Worst date ever - the thread you really wanted
- Thread starter ivrytwr3
- Start date
I'm glad my misfortune has brought laughter
I would post some of the other bad date stories but they are all a little NSFW for this forum
Those tender feels
Poor soul. It's like you've been eating the same Farmfoods frozen pizza your whole life, completely oblivious to the Dominoes just down the road.
Not quite a dating story and I'll have to skimp on details here because I'm at work.
Anyway, one time I was out for drinks with a friend. One of his flat mates was there, a women with a moustache known, behind her back at least, as 'tache'.
So we're all drinking and having a great time when the club closes. My friend suggests heading back to his flat for a few more drinks which I thought sounded like a great idea.
Now there we are at his flat, he says something about how one of his flatmates is asleep in the room adjacent to the living room and gets woken up easily. So we'll head to one of the bedrooms for drinks, fair enough, I thought.
So we entered 'taches' bedroom where he chucked on a movie for background noise. He then pours the two of rather large drinks and lights a cigarette. I start sipping my drink and have a smoke as well. Then, as soon as he finishes his cigarette, he declares that he's tired and has to go to bed.
Now it's just me and the girl with the moustache alone in a dark room with the TV on. Not wanting to waste my drink I ensure to finish it, she pours me another immediately after. I have this as well.
At this point in time a thought strikes clear within me. There is no way I can go home now, it would be ungentlemanly to say my goodbyes and leave when she has clear expectations of me.
Right enough, it happens, my eyesight is a little blurry at this point but it's apparent she doesn't shave anywhere, not just her moustache. Summing up all my powers of politeness I carry the deed through to the end, skipping any foreplay and keeping the lights off of course, there is only so much I can do.
As soon it was over I got my clothes on and left making an excuse of having to start work in a couple of hours. She asked for my number but I feigned ignorance and ran out of there.
I got a good ripping from a coworker about this at work the next day. Then about a week later he went and fell for the same trap!
Anyway, one time I was out for drinks with a friend. One of his flat mates was there, a women with a moustache known, behind her back at least, as 'tache'.
So we're all drinking and having a great time when the club closes. My friend suggests heading back to his flat for a few more drinks which I thought sounded like a great idea.
Now there we are at his flat, he says something about how one of his flatmates is asleep in the room adjacent to the living room and gets woken up easily. So we'll head to one of the bedrooms for drinks, fair enough, I thought.
So we entered 'taches' bedroom where he chucked on a movie for background noise. He then pours the two of rather large drinks and lights a cigarette. I start sipping my drink and have a smoke as well. Then, as soon as he finishes his cigarette, he declares that he's tired and has to go to bed.
Now it's just me and the girl with the moustache alone in a dark room with the TV on. Not wanting to waste my drink I ensure to finish it, she pours me another immediately after. I have this as well.
At this point in time a thought strikes clear within me. There is no way I can go home now, it would be ungentlemanly to say my goodbyes and leave when she has clear expectations of me.
Right enough, it happens, my eyesight is a little blurry at this point but it's apparent she doesn't shave anywhere, not just her moustache. Summing up all my powers of politeness I carry the deed through to the end, skipping any foreplay and keeping the lights off of course, there is only so much I can do.
As soon it was over I got my clothes on and left making an excuse of having to start work in a couple of hours. She asked for my number but I feigned ignorance and ran out of there.
I got a good ripping from a coworker about this at work the next day. Then about a week later he went and fell for the same trap!
I was trying really hard not to laugh but had a cheshire cat grin on my face which work colleagues were asking me about haha!
Did the old cough covering laugh a couple of times
I know of an ex co-worker (Ben) who along with a friend pulled a couple of beauties one Saturday evening.
Long story short all four of them went down an ally at the back of the club to get more familiar with each other. A few minutes later Ben's lady friend gets back up of her knees and tells Ben to repay the favor. Ever ready he 'dives in' only to find the lady is indeed a man.
This was a good few years ago yet he still tell the tale like it's a win..
Long story short all four of them went down an ally at the back of the club to get more familiar with each other. A few minutes later Ben's lady friend gets back up of her knees and tells Ben to repay the favor. Ever ready he 'dives in' only to find the lady is indeed a man.
This was a good few years ago yet he still tell the tale like it's a win..
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Oh here's probably the only other one I can post...
It's not so much a bad date but it's pretty close. I was in my second year at uni and in a relationship. Worst time to be in a relationship ever, probably one of the biggest regrets in my life is being in a relationship for years one and two at uni. But I digress...
To get by I had a part time job at Debenhams, help pay some bills and because my loan was used to feed my addiction to games consoles and PC upgrades. There was this one girl that worked there, she was pretty damn cute and probably way out of my socially awkward league but through work I'd get to talk to her. And after a while, we used to get on quite well but I never really pursued it because her boyfriend used to come in to see her from time to time and he looked like the rough sort, pretty much like he'd just got out of prison and would probably break me in two if he even got a sniff of the fact that I'd been talking to her.
Despite that, it eventually took the inevitable turn and we kept flirting more and more to the point we didn't even hide behind a mask of flirting any more, we just talked about humping each others brains out and how much she loves it etc. Was amazing at the time and pretty exciting, but my girlfriend also worked at Debenhams so we'd have to be careful, it's not my proudest moment in life being that blatant about it and cheating, but I was young and stupid.
One night I was out with said girlfriend and having a miserable time, pretending we did in fact want to be together and weren't both so desperately miserable, when I noticed the girl from work out with her friends across the dance floor admiring my best and most seizure like dance moves. We start making eye contact, which my girlfriend eventually notices, probably because I start dribbling, and out of nowhere slaps me, in the middle of the dance floor, it felt like the music stopped and it was almost one of those film moments where everyone just stops and looks. After this point it was stupidly awkward, I'm trying to brush it off and not look like the guy who just got slapped but I had a crying girlfriend next to me and people were looking at me like I'm a rapist (it's not a common theme I promise). We argue the whole time and in the end I'd had enough so I got up and went over to some guys from uni I knew there.
After a while the girl from work comes over and after chatting, we some how end up dancing (again in hindsight this was a real dick move), and I noticed my girlfriend watching us bawling her eyes out the whole, which is a real mood killer let me tell you. This goes on for about 10 minutes, just dancing with my girlfriend sobbing, it was probably more awkward than the slap moment.
Girl says: "I need to leave now, have to get a taxi with my friends or it costs a fortune on my own"
Me, being the gentleman that I am offered for her to stay at mine to save her the taxi fare, thinking back now I'm surprised I had the nerve to ask, I probably stuttered and took a whole song to get it out, but I did it. She does something, something that I wasn't sure whether to be appalled or turned on by, and looks at my girlfriend crying, grins and then looks back at me and agrees. Being the horrible guy that I was, I don't even say goodbye to the person who could have still been my girlfriend at that point, and just leave with the girl from work.
We get back to mine, having flirted the whole way home and joking about sleeping together at mine if it wasn't for out partners. I offer for her to sleep in my bed and I'll sleep on the floor and just as I lay down, she starts getting undressed. Right in front of me. I'm not sure if she expects me to turn away, but no, she makes a point of doing it so I can see, then stands there and asks, while completely naked, if I'm sure she's allowed the bed. This girl was a little chunky, but was sexy as hell so she was now a complete 10/10, just for the glorious norks alone. I probably stutter out that it's fine and she gets in to bed.
A little while later, and she says "I feel bad, get in with me. Doesn't mean we're going to do anything"...so I'm both extremely keen and excited yet pretending to be reluctant as it's really not a gentlemanly thing to do, yet I get right in with her. Now I'm lying almost on top of her in just my boxers while she's completely naked, in possibly the worlds smallest single bed and all I'm thinking is "I should move in for the kiss and smash her backdoors in", but truth be told, all I could think about was her boyfriend murdering me after he'd probably smashed my backdoors in and dumping me in to the Swansea sea. So we're lying there, and she keeps moving in a way that puts us uncomfortably close but I keep doing my awkward best to resist and then move again or just awkwardly stare as if to say "I have no idea what I'm doing".
All of a sudden I hear this massive crash outside from the steps outside our house (our house was part of a 3 story building, with us having the top two floors and the bottom floor being separate, so you had metal stairs to get to our front door). I get out of bed, probably sporting an uncomfortable erection, and look out my window to see the guy in the room directly below me flat out on the bins below. He was friends with my girlfriend at the time, so when he heard a girl go in to my room he tried to snitch me up, leaned out of his window to listen if anything was happening and fell out on to the bins below (it wasn't much of a drop). She now follows me out of bed to see who I'm talking to and stands right behind me pressing those beautiful boobies up against my back. At this point if there was any doubt in her mind I was sporting an erection, it had all but gone when it started to extend out of the window and reach for the stars...and what do I do? Tell her I need the toilet, and do the only thing that I can think of to calm the situation... I go and knock one out in the toilet, took ages because of how much of an idiot I felt and hating myself in that moment in time, I'm pretty sure I may have sobbed a tear of frustration and self pity. Eventually go back in to my room and she's put one of my t shirts on and gone to sleep, flat out cold. At that point, I neither felt sad or angry, I was in that post-fap state of mind where every decision regarding girls was so much easier to make, and I was doing the right thing by not sleeping with her, so I got back on to the floor and went to sleep.
Next morning I wake up and she's getting dressed and leaving. Seems massively annoyed at me and just goes with out saying much.
Next time I'm in work I noticed a few people were laughing. Turns out she told them I took a massive dump while she was at mine (because I took so long fapping) naked in my bed. Cue being called gay for the rest of the time I worked there, the gay guy that stacked China plates at Debenhams.
2 weeks later she had sex with a guy at work I absolutely hated. Girlfriend never found out and I continued to be miserable with her for a few months, eventually broke up (a week later she was in a relationship with another woman, ouch)
It's not so much a bad date but it's pretty close. I was in my second year at uni and in a relationship. Worst time to be in a relationship ever, probably one of the biggest regrets in my life is being in a relationship for years one and two at uni. But I digress...
To get by I had a part time job at Debenhams, help pay some bills and because my loan was used to feed my addiction to games consoles and PC upgrades. There was this one girl that worked there, she was pretty damn cute and probably way out of my socially awkward league but through work I'd get to talk to her. And after a while, we used to get on quite well but I never really pursued it because her boyfriend used to come in to see her from time to time and he looked like the rough sort, pretty much like he'd just got out of prison and would probably break me in two if he even got a sniff of the fact that I'd been talking to her.
Despite that, it eventually took the inevitable turn and we kept flirting more and more to the point we didn't even hide behind a mask of flirting any more, we just talked about humping each others brains out and how much she loves it etc. Was amazing at the time and pretty exciting, but my girlfriend also worked at Debenhams so we'd have to be careful, it's not my proudest moment in life being that blatant about it and cheating, but I was young and stupid.
One night I was out with said girlfriend and having a miserable time, pretending we did in fact want to be together and weren't both so desperately miserable, when I noticed the girl from work out with her friends across the dance floor admiring my best and most seizure like dance moves. We start making eye contact, which my girlfriend eventually notices, probably because I start dribbling, and out of nowhere slaps me, in the middle of the dance floor, it felt like the music stopped and it was almost one of those film moments where everyone just stops and looks. After this point it was stupidly awkward, I'm trying to brush it off and not look like the guy who just got slapped but I had a crying girlfriend next to me and people were looking at me like I'm a rapist (it's not a common theme I promise). We argue the whole time and in the end I'd had enough so I got up and went over to some guys from uni I knew there.
After a while the girl from work comes over and after chatting, we some how end up dancing (again in hindsight this was a real dick move), and I noticed my girlfriend watching us bawling her eyes out the whole, which is a real mood killer let me tell you. This goes on for about 10 minutes, just dancing with my girlfriend sobbing, it was probably more awkward than the slap moment.
Girl says: "I need to leave now, have to get a taxi with my friends or it costs a fortune on my own"
Me, being the gentleman that I am offered for her to stay at mine to save her the taxi fare, thinking back now I'm surprised I had the nerve to ask, I probably stuttered and took a whole song to get it out, but I did it. She does something, something that I wasn't sure whether to be appalled or turned on by, and looks at my girlfriend crying, grins and then looks back at me and agrees. Being the horrible guy that I was, I don't even say goodbye to the person who could have still been my girlfriend at that point, and just leave with the girl from work.
We get back to mine, having flirted the whole way home and joking about sleeping together at mine if it wasn't for out partners. I offer for her to sleep in my bed and I'll sleep on the floor and just as I lay down, she starts getting undressed. Right in front of me. I'm not sure if she expects me to turn away, but no, she makes a point of doing it so I can see, then stands there and asks, while completely naked, if I'm sure she's allowed the bed. This girl was a little chunky, but was sexy as hell so she was now a complete 10/10, just for the glorious norks alone. I probably stutter out that it's fine and she gets in to bed.
A little while later, and she says "I feel bad, get in with me. Doesn't mean we're going to do anything"...so I'm both extremely keen and excited yet pretending to be reluctant as it's really not a gentlemanly thing to do, yet I get right in with her. Now I'm lying almost on top of her in just my boxers while she's completely naked, in possibly the worlds smallest single bed and all I'm thinking is "I should move in for the kiss and smash her backdoors in", but truth be told, all I could think about was her boyfriend murdering me after he'd probably smashed my backdoors in and dumping me in to the Swansea sea. So we're lying there, and she keeps moving in a way that puts us uncomfortably close but I keep doing my awkward best to resist and then move again or just awkwardly stare as if to say "I have no idea what I'm doing".
All of a sudden I hear this massive crash outside from the steps outside our house (our house was part of a 3 story building, with us having the top two floors and the bottom floor being separate, so you had metal stairs to get to our front door). I get out of bed, probably sporting an uncomfortable erection, and look out my window to see the guy in the room directly below me flat out on the bins below. He was friends with my girlfriend at the time, so when he heard a girl go in to my room he tried to snitch me up, leaned out of his window to listen if anything was happening and fell out on to the bins below (it wasn't much of a drop). She now follows me out of bed to see who I'm talking to and stands right behind me pressing those beautiful boobies up against my back. At this point if there was any doubt in her mind I was sporting an erection, it had all but gone when it started to extend out of the window and reach for the stars...and what do I do? Tell her I need the toilet, and do the only thing that I can think of to calm the situation... I go and knock one out in the toilet, took ages because of how much of an idiot I felt and hating myself in that moment in time, I'm pretty sure I may have sobbed a tear of frustration and self pity. Eventually go back in to my room and she's put one of my t shirts on and gone to sleep, flat out cold. At that point, I neither felt sad or angry, I was in that post-fap state of mind where every decision regarding girls was so much easier to make, and I was doing the right thing by not sleeping with her, so I got back on to the floor and went to sleep.
Next morning I wake up and she's getting dressed and leaving. Seems massively annoyed at me and just goes with out saying much.
Next time I'm in work I noticed a few people were laughing. Turns out she told them I took a massive dump while she was at mine (because I took so long fapping) naked in my bed. Cue being called gay for the rest of the time I worked there, the gay guy that stacked China plates at Debenhams.
2 weeks later she had sex with a guy at work I absolutely hated. Girlfriend never found out and I continued to be miserable with her for a few months, eventually broke up (a week later she was in a relationship with another woman, ouch)
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Soldato
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Top notch story Steedie, I enjoyed a lot.
You self restraint in that second story is beyond comprehension, I don't think I could ever do that!
You self restraint in that second story is beyond comprehension, I don't think I could ever do that!
Soldato
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- 18 May 2010
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- London
Mine was last year. Through OK Cupid. Met a chick we went to a bar etc..... the alarm bells started ringing when she described her self as a Narcissist!!!!
Lost it. Plus i now look like some sort of weirdo trying to stifle the laughter at hearing your stories again. You need to write more in the effbee group.
OMG... I'd love hear the NSFW ones
Can tell brief story of a mate. Not sure of all the details but goes like this:
Mate had been acting really suspicious for a few weeks, irrational etc. So basically asked him what was his problem. He replied he thinks he's in the doodoo and would I help? We were playing snooker at the time with a few people we knew so he said I'll give you the signal and we go toilet and I tell you.
Fair enough I thought. Few minutes later he gives the signal and off we go. He says you must know what's up
at this point so said no. He then said he'd been seeing someone... Which was unusual for someone so ugly I commented.
He asked if I thought I knew who... I said no, he then said have a guess who he has been going to see a lot of lately. It then dawned on me that he had been seeing a lot of a customer at the pub we worked at.... My first comment was something like you do know if Pete (her husband) finds out he would be killed. He said he knew and needed know I would stand up for him. Said sure and then typical lad mode kicks in asking for the details as you do.
Anyway few weeks later it all comes out. He has to take a leave of absence from the pub to let things settle. Decides himself one day to go in and try and speak to the guy whose wife he had been porking and engaging in some debauchery along the way.
He calls me up tells me come down. Ayup I think he's gonna be in a pool of blood. No.... Her husband left with her and he was on his own with everyone quiet.
Turns out he got really drunk told him go outside then said he basically should be smashing his face in yada yada yada but he felt like he was his best mate
He then brought him back in the bar bought him drinks and even started crying on him
He had a lucky escape until that wore off because he couldn't keep away and he basically had to avoid him even longer. She's still with him and he apparently suffers erectile problems... Poor bloke.
Note: In a later job a mate told me about this guys son who he was good mates with. I clicked who it was thanks to a few of the nsfw details and apparently this guys son is still even years later after my mate lol
Can tell brief story of a mate. Not sure of all the details but goes like this:
Mate had been acting really suspicious for a few weeks, irrational etc. So basically asked him what was his problem. He replied he thinks he's in the doodoo and would I help? We were playing snooker at the time with a few people we knew so he said I'll give you the signal and we go toilet and I tell you.
Fair enough I thought. Few minutes later he gives the signal and off we go. He says you must know what's up
at this point so said no. He then said he'd been seeing someone... Which was unusual for someone so ugly I commented.He asked if I thought I knew who... I said no, he then said have a guess who he has been going to see a lot of lately. It then dawned on me that he had been seeing a lot of a customer at the pub we worked at.... My first comment was something like you do know if Pete (her husband) finds out he would be killed. He said he knew and needed know I would stand up for him. Said sure and then typical lad mode kicks in asking for the details
as you do.Anyway few weeks later it all comes out. He has to take a leave of absence from the pub to let things settle. Decides himself one day to go in and try and speak to the guy whose wife he had been porking and engaging in some debauchery along the way.
He calls me up tells me come down. Ayup I think he's gonna be in a pool of blood. No.... Her husband left with her and he was on his own with everyone quiet.
Turns out he got really drunk told him go outside then said he basically should be smashing his face in yada yada yada but he felt like he was his best mate
He then brought him back in the bar bought him drinks and even started crying on him
He had a lucky escape until that wore off because he couldn't keep away and he basically had to avoid him even longer. She's still with him and he apparently suffers erectile problems... Poor bloke.
Note: In a later job a mate told me about this guys son who he was good mates with. I clicked who it was thanks to a few of the nsfw details and apparently this guys son is still even years later after my mate lol
Associate
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- 8 Sep 2014
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It's threads like these that make it worth lurking about on this forum!
I've not really had any terrible dates as such. Closest would be something that happened at a party when I was 19. I worked for a year before going to uni and one of the weekend staff was a fairly attractive lass who was obviously attracted to me. I never really did anything about it until one night at a friends party. We were all having a good time and it was clear that this girl wanted something to happen between us. The problem was that it was a one bedroom flat and there was no where to sneak off to.
Anyway, a few lads, including myself, were staying the night as we didn't live local. When she heard this, the young lady in question decided she would stay too despite living really close. My mate, being a true gentleman, offered up his bedroom to her. While he, myself and the other lads who were staying planned to sleep in the living room. Now, if it had been another mate things might have been different; but there was no way that the mate in question would have been happy for me to go and sleep with this girl in his bed. So when the party died down and everyone started to go to sleep, I pretended to drift off on the sofa. As I'm waiting for everyone to go to sleep I was getting text messages from the girl about how much she wants me to join her in the bedroom and how she is starting without me.
In a feat of superhuman patience, I waited until all of the lads were sound asleep and then tiptoed out of the room. All going well so far. It was as I walked down the corridor I realised that I was actually quite a bit more inebriated than I had previously thought. Ah well, what's the worst that can happen. It might not be my A game but I'm sure it will be fine. Anyway, I went into the bedroom and found her naked and clearly in the mood. We didn't waste any time and were soon going at it like a couple of horny teenagers should. After a while, and a few changes in position, I realised that something was not quite right.... A quick check revealed that I wasn't quite in the location I thought I was... This left me in a bit of a dilemma, should I just keep going or stop and take corrective action? She seemed to be having a good time so I just carried on.
After we were finished, I said I really couldn't stay in the bedroom as my mate would likely murder me and I made my way back into the living room to sleep on the sofa. In the morning there was quite a bit of awkwardness as I drove her down to work. Feeling a bit embarrassed I managed to avoid her most of the morning. At lunch I was sat in the canteen when she came in on her lunch break. We had a bit of a chat and it seemed like some of the awkwardness was fading. That is until I asked her why she was standing up to eat her sandwich and why didn't she take a seat? The look I received in return haunts me to this day. Needless to say we didn't have sex again.
I've not really had any terrible dates as such. Closest would be something that happened at a party when I was 19. I worked for a year before going to uni and one of the weekend staff was a fairly attractive lass who was obviously attracted to me. I never really did anything about it until one night at a friends party. We were all having a good time and it was clear that this girl wanted something to happen between us. The problem was that it was a one bedroom flat and there was no where to sneak off to.
Anyway, a few lads, including myself, were staying the night as we didn't live local. When she heard this, the young lady in question decided she would stay too despite living really close. My mate, being a true gentleman, offered up his bedroom to her. While he, myself and the other lads who were staying planned to sleep in the living room. Now, if it had been another mate things might have been different; but there was no way that the mate in question would have been happy for me to go and sleep with this girl in his bed. So when the party died down and everyone started to go to sleep, I pretended to drift off on the sofa. As I'm waiting for everyone to go to sleep I was getting text messages from the girl about how much she wants me to join her in the bedroom and how she is starting without me.
In a feat of superhuman patience, I waited until all of the lads were sound asleep and then tiptoed out of the room. All going well so far. It was as I walked down the corridor I realised that I was actually quite a bit more inebriated than I had previously thought. Ah well, what's the worst that can happen. It might not be my A game but I'm sure it will be fine. Anyway, I went into the bedroom and found her naked and clearly in the mood. We didn't waste any time and were soon going at it like a couple of horny teenagers should. After a while, and a few changes in position, I realised that something was not quite right.... A quick check revealed that I wasn't quite in the location I thought I was... This left me in a bit of a dilemma, should I just keep going or stop and take corrective action? She seemed to be having a good time so I just carried on.
After we were finished, I said I really couldn't stay in the bedroom as my mate would likely murder me and I made my way back into the living room to sleep on the sofa. In the morning there was quite a bit of awkwardness as I drove her down to work. Feeling a bit embarrassed I managed to avoid her most of the morning. At lunch I was sat in the canteen when she came in on her lunch break. We had a bit of a chat and it seemed like some of the awkwardness was fading. That is until I asked her why she was standing up to eat her sandwich and why didn't she take a seat? The look I received in return haunts me to this day. Needless to say we didn't have sex again.