The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Excuse me, this is the slow-motion car crash thread.

Don't want none of your feel-good oh I'm so happy stories in 'ere. I read this to make me feel better about myself, y'know.
 
lafemmefatale said:
Excuse me, this is the slow-motion car crash thread.

Don't want none of your feel-good oh I'm so happy stories in 'ere. I read this to make me feel better about myself, y'know.
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Pretty sure the advice in this case is to keep contact to an ABSOLUTE minimum. The only thing you talk about is getting access to your son, no small talk, no nonsense issues. She's going to send you nasty things regardless of what you do.
 
It's fair enough being sure
I went through the same. I wanted (for my own sake) to know I tried everything.
I didn't want to be left with "if only I had..."

As you say, you've seen the true person now, and if it helps you get over her, it wasn't a bad thing

I do think women are more unreasonable than men usually in these cases.
The above view is anecdotal from people I know and what I read
 
She seems like the type who won't let it go easily. Expect more emotional manipulation moving forwards. My only advice is concentrate on the relationship with your son and make the absolute most of the time you have with him.
 
Definitely seen the true person. Tbh, she comes across as very confident but says she hates people... if that's the case, then why only a few days after our breakup was she back on PoF and within a week, sleeping at other guys houses?

And then there's all the lies that go with it.

I'm thankful that she can show me how nasty and manipulative she is, but also hurting that my son has to have such a disgusting mother.

Anyway, like I said, I'm done. I know where I stand now. My son is my priority, and I'm definitely not the type of person to start sleeping around. She'll be doing it to prove to herself that she can still 'get it' but to me, that's pretty sad. I'm happy to live my life and the right person will come along at the right time.
 
She sounds horrid. And on pof that soon says it all really.
Who knows if she's trying to get at you or doing it for self esteem.

Get sorted, treat her formally, and show her no emotional response.
If there wasn't a kid involved it would be satisfying to show her you've come out better, are happier etc!
But sounds like you have a crazy and as you have a son, don't want to set her off.

Can't imagine having a child in this situation!

Completely agree, it's nice to see everything. Than to have left thinking you've lost something special. Now you know you are rid of something unpleasant instead!
 
She has 2 other kids (who are great and I got along well with) to a previous 10 year (on/off) relationship. She almost continuously slated their father. I'm well aware he's not a model citizen but towards the end of the relationship, I did doubt her claims and wondered just how much of their issues were down to her.

The worst thing is that I was deeply in love with her and just wished she didn't have to turn out like this :(
 
agw_01 said:
She has 2 other kids (who are great and I got along well with) to a previous 10 year (on/off) relationship. She almost continuously slated their father. I'm well aware he's not a model citizen but towards the end of the relationship, I did doubt her claims and wondered just how much of their issues were down to her.

The worst thing is that I was deeply in love with her and just wished she didn't have to turn out like this :(
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The love is the hard bit. If you still love her the next part will be hard. I went through that. Tortured myself. I was lucky that with no kids I didn't have to see her. We had a dog though and that broke my heart losing her.
And eventually found someone more suited to me.
I still miss the dog, but the Ex.. Not at all.
I'm sure it will be harder having to see her. Hopefully you will truly accept yourself in time that she isn't right and not worth your love, find someone better and be grateful you did break up with the wrong person
 
So the girl I'd met the other week did message me yesterday, but it wasn't to come out for a drink/meet up as we'd planned, it was to ask how I am & send me a picture of herself and some bloke. Niiiiiiceeeee! Good riddance nutcase, that mind****ery not working here.
 
agw_01 said:
Thanks guys, had a great weekend with him and took him back tonight. Me and her have spoken a bit over text and she's been pretty reasonable today. It wasn't too awkward in person either.

As I walked away from him, he was looking at me as if to say "where are you going Daddy". That was tough :(

Anyway, me and her exchange a few texts after I leave... we seem to be getting on ok, we even declare our love for each other, and I mention meeting up to have a talk about things and see if we can come to some common ground. She also says she wasn't on a date on Friday and it was just some random guy who was chatting her up.

All is going ok until out of nowhere she says "well that went well, gonna try my best to get over you" and sends me another picture of some texts she's been exchanging with another guy.

What the actual ****. What a fruitloop. I am done. She's a crazy one alright.

edit... I was reluctant to post here because I knew I wouldn't like the responses I'd get... but she's the mother of my son, the woman that I love/loved... I had to at least try to reconcile. Anyway, I've tried and for absolutely no reason at all, she's blown up again over nothing. Tbh, I expected it and unfortunately, she's proved me right... yet again. I am done with the crazies.
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Oh mate I've been in a very similar position to you of which GD helped me through but hopefully you wont make the same mistakes that I did.

First of all let me just say that look from your son will get easier, there will be times when he's inconsolable and it will rip your heart out but you just have to stay visibly strong, tell him you love him and that you'll see him in however many sleeps even if you've gone to pieces inside. I've regularly sobbed over the past few years once my two have gone out of sight. But it's not always like that and you'll love how excited he is the following week when he sees you. As much as its hard to imagine as well, you'll get used to having free time even though you'll still pine to be with him all the time.


My advice if you haven't already is to get in touch with the CSA and start paying child maintenance through them... You could have a verbal agreement but if she's ever feeling vindictive she could say you've not paid anything in xyz years and you'll be hit by staggering monthly repayments for the supposed arrears!


If she starts messing you around over contact with your son in any way whatsoever, apply for mediation and get an agreement drawn up. No messing and then if she refuses to go drag her to court and get something nailed down... if you can afford a solicitor do so, if you can't the courts will dumb down all the legal stuff and theres enough info online for you to represent yourself. After I lost legal aid that's what I had to do and I've done okay!

And just allow yourself to heal mate, as others have said keep contact to an absolute minimum, I'd go as far to say as if it doesn't have to do with shared finances such as a mortgage or something that needs sorting out now you've left or to do with your son then don't talk to her at all. Trust me on this one.

If you need any advice and I can help if you don't want to put it up on here, send me a trust mate
 
Thanks Vidar, and to everyone else who's offered words of advice and support.

I woke up today with a real feeling of loss but the more I replay her actions in my head the better I feel. My son is only 9 months old so won't understand what's going on, but you couldn't mistake the look he had in his eyes.

I've already set up a standing order for the correct amount and have made it clear what the payments are for, hopefully that's enough. I'll text her later in the week to see if I'm still picking him up on Friday... if she wants to play funny buggers then I'll take it further. I've already been to the CAB and to see a solicitor regarding the next steps.

Luckily no other ties apart from our son... she was starting to push for us to buy a house together (I'd be the one to put down the lump sum and pay the mortgage) but I was very very reluctant because her behavior was getting worse and I could see where it was going.

One step at a time eh :)
 
I'd seriously consider contacting the CSA regarding your payments mate, I've heard horror stories where bank statements were not enough and if you're paying less then what they will agree for you then you could and probably will still be stung. I know its not nice but its better to cover your backside than risk it.

You're right your luck your son is still so young, for him it will very quickly become the norm... I'm genuinely sorry you're having to go through this though mate. There's very little that's as hard.
 
Well the CSA calculator says I need to pay less than I am doing now!

I knew it wouldn't be long before she started giving me grief... she text me telling my son had a temperature and wasn't too good so I instantly text back asking how he was and if she was taking him to the doctors.

2 hours pass and I get a text from her asking why I'm not bothered about him? I text her back telling her I replied and also send her a screenshot to prove. She starts up with the whole "you don't really care about him, you only care about yourself. Don't come on Friday"

This is despite sending her proof I did text back. She would have got the messages, she's just doing it to get a reaction.

So predictable.

I'm definitely thinking CSA and court action for this one.
 
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