The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

You're doing it all wrong. You're supposed to tell everyone that having kids is the best thing you ever did, make sure your Facebook profile is a photo of your kids and let everyone know when they say something you think is funny! Your friends will really enjoy that. Oh and don't forget to flag up posts you made 2 years ago when Facebook reminds you to, and say how time flies so we can all see it again.

Parenting is easy!
 
She's got everything she needs from you now, biologically her work is done and now you're just the provider, you're lucky in the sense she actually wants to look after your kids though as some can't even love their own.
 
Solus said:
To the people commenting that it's in home and Garden, home? Is this not regarding my home?
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Home and Garden is as the description states "All DIY, landscaping, home improvement and related subjects"

GD is more suited to relationship advice for future reference, Hence I moved your thread :)
 
Minstadave said:
And? If that's the best you can do then crack on with it.
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He clearly doesn't get it. It's not all about him, in fact none of it is. You are simply there to provide and support your fiancée and your children. The "nights out" will come back, maybe in 10 years, maybe less but expect it to remain like this for a while.
 
Lets not be too cynical here. Its important that you both make time and an effort for each other, its important that she realises this too.
If she doesn't care then thats the point where I would worry.
 
The issue isn't so much that she doesn't care, but your priority to her has shifted from #1 to #3 (behind the two kids). Now, you will always have slot #3. Your needs will always come after what she thinks the children need. As the kids grow, your wife will begin to accept that she can have more time apart from them and more time for you.
 
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Solus said:
I don't resent my kids, I resent my fiancée for not agreeing that we need time alone sometimes (i'm talking once a month here). We've also been engaged for 4.5 years, I mention actually getting married and she doesn't want to as she doesn't look her best.
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She's probably lost a lot of self confidence post childbirth/general mumness. It's normal and you need to talk about it rather than resent her for it. She's probably using the kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy or facing the difficulties you face.
 
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My story...

https://forums.overclockers.co.uk/showpost.php?p=29736818&postcount=5636

https://forums.overclockers.co.uk/showpost.php?p=29750061&postcount=5643

https://forums.overclockers.co.uk/showpost.php?p=29781194&postcount=5670


So I've been back in Guernsey since the end of July, back living at home with my parents. I've managed to land myself a new job with a wealth and investment managers, working in Reconciliations and Asset Management, steep learning curve but I'm progressing well, the role has lots of opportunities for professional growth and HR have assured me they "have plans for me" - from the interview process I believe this will turn in to a management role should I prove myself capable.

I've got myself a new flat sorted too, currently going through all the checks necessary but should be moving in before the end of the month, it's a much nicer finished, bigger and more modern place than my old Guernsey flat, details here if you're interested :p

Adjustment since moving home has been difficult, but I'm in a good place now, prospects are high and life is good.

Me and the ex had been talking a fair bit still when I first got back, but as soon as things have been coming good in my life with the job, flat and the ladies she's requested a complete break in contact - fine by me, seems it pains her to know I'm thriving in life without her ;)
 
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Must admit sounds very close to the way my marriage felt at the end, everything was about the kids. If I stayed late at work I was neglecting the children, if I came home on time I got it in the neck about how I had to earn more money as we were struggling to get by because I can only assume she sat around with the children and burnt money during the day because they liked the way it looked.

Hope you have better luck than I did.

I'm now in a position where I had over a sizeable chunk of my pay, constantly get berated that its not enough, and am denied access to my children at her whims!
 
Split up with my wife after 13 years with 2 children aged 5 and 2. Reason being that i was at the gym and the guys were on Tinder saying they had all these matches for a joke and ego. So when i was on a family holiday in Spain 6 weeks ago i went on Tinder to go one more than the lads at the gym to show them that i can get spanish girls ego boost etc. I was very secretive with my phone all the time which my wife noticed and commented on. I also do personal training at the gym and i had a few new clients that texted me while on holiday who was female. I told them that im on holiday and ill be back in a few days so some of them called me even though i said i was in spain. We had a chat for 30 mins late at night while my wife was asleep and kids asleep etc.

The one girl also called me the next night talking about what she wanted to do at the gym etc.

Anyhow on the way home from the airport my wife seen tinder on my phone but did not say anything until we got back. A massive argument erupted and she kicked me out and all my clothes, possessions, everything packed for me in a few days. She even told all the neighbours and her friends that were over.

We agreed that i go around on the wednesday to bath my girls and put them to bed, she even allowed me to stay for dinner too but i want back to my moms after. However on the 2nd wednesday she was upstairs and i picked up her iphone and pressed the home button, i could see that she had a guy on whatsapp that was sending her messages with kisses. I asked what was going on and she said dont look at my phone, i tried to break the phone in anger....arguement erupted, kids crying, police called etc.

I replaced the phone but because of that im now allowed to go around there anymore on a wednesday or any other day now. Im allowed to see my kids on a wednesday at her moms after work and on a Sunday all day from 11-5.
I can pick them up Saturdays too if i wish too.

Not only that around 3 weeks ago my wife said she got the call logs from the phone i used in spain because it was in her name. She said i called a girl named Kira as she called Kira herself and found out her name. I said to her Kira is a friend from the Gym and she didnt beleive me. She also said about the other women and she still dont believe me. I can see how it looks but shes wrong about her thoughts. She dont want to speak to me at the moment and i reckon shes definitely talking too other men on whatsapp as she is always online and was never online when we were together.

Weve said some nasty stuff to each other over last 4-5 weeks but know im not contacting her at all unless for the kids.

Any advice welcome and yes im ****ing gutted :mad:
 
It sounds like both of you have massive trust and anger issues in your relationship. For now, swallow your pride, stay civil and concentrate on what the children need.

Regarding the messages with kisses from a man, women can have male friends. Hell, you had a random girl friend from the gym call you in the middle of the night... Your wife can have male friends too. Don't claim to have a platonic relationship with a woman from the gym if your wife isn't allowed to do the same.
 
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You went on tinder to prove a point to the guys but instead of just proving a point you actually started engaging with women?

Both sound insecure as hell and I'm surprised that guy you found her messaging wasn't already on the scene anyway.

Showing her how much it angered you by breaking her phone will only make her love the fact what she's doing is hurting you, you need to hold frame and keep calm.
 
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She said the guy she had on her phone was because i made her feel insecure and self worthless because she seen tinder on my phone. She went on Tinder herself and found this guy as she told my friend this although she had no plans of meeting him. It purely was just a game albeit a fatal one as she has no plans of getting back with me and said she never will.

I dont think she had this guy before because she was is very loyal

Thing is she has blocked me from facebook also cause of rants we both had on there, also she on instagram posted pictures getting male followers and ive seen her facebook through other people and shes definitely getting a lot of male friends. There is nothing i can do about it and ive got to be ultra cool, im not contacting her now, gonna try the no contact rule as it psychologically makes them miss you. She told my mate wednesday night when he called her to see whats going on that she dont need me, caught me on tinder as well as speaking to a girl called kira etc Said she wont get back with me in a million years. It has been 6 weeks which is still early and she did say to me 8 days ago by text that if she was in the same room as me she would swing for me.

I said we need to talk and she said maybe in 2 weeks, i said why in 2 weeks and she said i thought that was a good time. I said would the anger have surpressed then, she said no it wont but i may have calmed down alittle.

Not sure whether to ask her in 2 weeks or just leave her alone, even her mom said to me on wednesday night that dont think you should talk to her yet as its early days. Even though i said to her mom i miss her and want to put things right, he mom said she may not get back with you either and you have to accept that.

There were other issues in our relationship like me not doing enough with the kids at weekends and not helping her as much. Also she always said we need our own mortgage instead of renting and i managed to save up 20K for this for new year. But i dont think she believed me because i bought an M3 convertible and shes always had it against me even though i still have 20k saved.

Dont know what to do, for once in my life i dont know what too do and i was in despair last week


I also took polygraph lie detector test in may 2016 becausew of trust issues over the years and proved to her ive never cheated on her. Cost me 600 quid and a lot of faith trust was restored but then i go on tinder on a family holiday and **** it all up.
 
One Vision said:
I also took polygraph lie detector test in may 2016 becausew of trust issues over the years and proved to her ive never cheated on her. Cost me 600 quid and a lot of faith trust was restored but then i go on tinder on a family holiday and **** it all up.
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Good ****ing Lord, that was the moment to call time.

The trust has obviously never really been there and any facade of trust is now completely shattered after your perfect storm of Tinder and late night female callers.
 
Wow at the lie detector. Surely any relationship that needs that done isn't really a healthy one regardless of who's at fault.
 
Christ it really doesn't sound like there is a future there, even if you do make it back together. You had to a take a lie detector to prove that you hadn't cheated, that is not something that happens in a healthy relationship.

If I were you I'd do my best to find a way to protect that £20k so you don't end up losing half of it in the divorce, as if things do go that way you're going to get bent over enough.
 
Solus said:
She no longer prioritises personal hygiene
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MissChief said:
Perhaps arrange time for her to relax. An uninterrupted hour for a long soak in the bath
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There is some truth in your reply... but the rest is nonsense, he is being neglected by her, he shouldn't be trying to spoil a woman that doesn't care for him and making him depressed, they are not even married yet and the peak of the relationship is over for him.

This thread is really a pendulum, some great advice then poor Solus get 10 advices that will make his relationship worse and attacked for being neglected.
 
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