I will say this though - in my 20's I thought I'd have a family of my own by this time in my life. I don't. I spent much of my late 20's up to my mid 30's investing my time end energy in a long term relationship and a couple of potential relationships after that crashed and burned. For better or worse I'm not tuned into searching for that 'special someone'. They don't exist. There's just people. Some you'll like and some you won't.
In many ways I'm tired of listening to what other people think I should be doing, just because it's what they're doing. Hehe a few weeks back, I went camping on my own, just to get out of the city for a bit of fresh air. One of the younger girls at the office wall all, 'oh, poor jumpy, going all by himself.... I could never do anything like that'
Yeah well, you're only 22, love, what do you know about anything? Bless her.
Kind of how I looked at things when I was in my 20's - I thought I'd met "The One" and we were still in that blissful first-home-together flush of love. It's what we're put here for, so I just assumed children would follow at some stage. They never did and as it turns out now, I'm glad they didn't, as it seems to me they tend to end up being used as bargaining chips in situations like these. Thankfully, my parents didn't and instead made the best of a bad situation by putting a sum of money each for my brother and I in a building society account, to use as the deposit on our first homes, but not every child is as fortunate.
I know I'm still hurting so my thoughts now won't necessarily be the same in 6-12 month's time, but I don't believe that 'special someone' exists for me now. I had a 'special someone', spent half my life with her and managed to screw it up in the process, so the way I see it, at the age of 48 I think my chances of finding something that good again are nil. People have been very kind and said that I look ten years younger than my actual age, so not to worry what my birth certificate says, but obviously at the moment my confidence is rock bottom.
Perversely, much as I'm gutted, I think it will actually be healthy for me to be single for a while in any case - I've been defined as one half of this relationship since I was in my early twenties, which seems like a lifetime ago. I've never lived on my own, so the learning experience of becoming self-reliant will do me good. Plus I can give full reign to my business venture and hobbies and maybe even take up new ones. What I miss already and will continue to is just coming home to someone, giving them a hug and telling them I love them - some people have never had that, so I guess I should count myself lucky that I have.
I would hate for people to "give up" on the idea of a relationship ever. Open mind.
I haven't, but as above, I don't think I'll ever find something as good or as intense as what I've lost. My own unwillingness to commit may be the block that prevents that, so I'll just have to call it as I see it at the time.
Going forward - and unless I happen to find myself in the right place at the right time and something just 'clicks' (which did happen to me once when I met a previous girlfriend for the first time) - it'll be a long time before I start actively looking for another relationship and when I do it will be purely casual. This experience, which hasn't even really begun yet, has left me jaded and ultra-wary of any kind of commitment. It's all about self-preservation from now on. The moment I think I'm wasting my time, I'll be gone like a shot.
That said, maybe I'll read this back in 12-24 month's time and be amazed I was so cynical and morbid - who knows where life takes us?
