My dad tried to kill himself last night

[mistersprinkles]

You've done all you can mistersprinkles, from your comments it reads to me he's a domineering patriarch who uses emotional blackmail to get his ownway. If this was a man/woman relationship it would likely to be described as 'abusive'.
It also reads as a cry for help for yourself, especially if this behavior has been ongoing for 30 years.
As others have said you need to think about yourself, even a visit to psychologist, for a talk to put things into perspective.

Yes he's big on emotional blackmail. He has also been abusive to me in many other ways but I keep trying to help him because I feel sorry for him, even though all his problems are squarely his fault.

 

[mistersprinkles]

First part is a sensible approach, but the back closer to home, may not be, we don't know the full details about the mother/father relationship and break-up.
When he leaves the hospital wouldn't social services arrange something or does it work differently in Canada?

From what I understand all they'll do for most people is make sure they no longer want to kill themselves then let them go. His situation might be different given that he has nowhere to go. They will probably send him to a shelter. I have found out today that once they determine that he's no longer a threat to himself, in other words, once he convinces them (lies to them) that he's no longer suicidal, they're going to transport him back to Toronto and hopefully to a shelter for the homeless of some kind but I know he won't be happy there and he'll just try to kill himself again.

 

[EGuitarStar]

Has your father been sectioned before?

If he is a constantly trying to take his life surely his doctors / social workers must understand there is more to it than just words since he has attempted to take his life, and putting him back into a homeless shelter is going to be of no real help to him as it will lead to further problems.

How good are mental health services in Canada?

Also, well done for having the courage to talk about this in an open forum.

 

[mistersprinkles]

I don't know how good supports are for this kind of thing I've never really dealt with this on this kind of level before.
I'm still having a really hard time accepting reality right now.

 

[MookJong]

Missed this thread until now, sorry to hear about your situation.

It sounds like your father has been resistant to getting help because he doesn't want to face his problems. If he doesn't want to get help then don't blame yourself because it sounds like you have been doing everything you can for him. It's up to him to take the steps to get his life back, you need to be tough and tell him you are by his side but he has to take the help. Don't fall for any blackmail and manipulation, you have to stand firm and be the parent in this situation. I know how upsetting that can be when you are let down by the people who are meant to be the "adults".

 

[FortuitousFluke]

This is such a hard situation. I understand that you feel you have a duty of care, or a responsibility to your father, but you also have a responsibility to yourself. From what I can see in your previous post regarding the history you might well have past the point at which a normal person would stop trying a very long time ago, having said that who can say how far any of us would go in the same situation, family is family after all.

All I can tell you is you sound like you've done the best by your Dad all these year, none of this is your fault, none of it is your responsibility, and (speaking as somebody who has dealt with the suicide of a friend, and the damage that can cause to their family, friends etc) if he manages to take his own life, that won't be your fault either.

My thoughts are with you and I hope this turns out as well as possible,.

 

[azazl187]

That's very insensitive and ignorant of you to say. I've done everything I could. I've set up psychiatrists, appointments to set up disability financial assistance, welfare, he doesn't go to these appointments. I managed to get him to see a psychiatrist once and he called her a stupid bi*** and never went back.

I am broke right now and I'm barely making it to the end of the month myself, and there's nothing I can do to help him. I have payed his rent in the past, and his cell phone, and bought him all sorts of thing he needed from TVs to computers to headphones to clothes, a microwave, food... and on and on and on. He's beyond helping at this point. He doesn't want help, he just wants to die.

My father is an intelligent person with a penchant for anger at the entire world and general depression. He never did anything with his life and has been driving taxi for over forty years (he is 67). Uber came in (illegally) and took over and taxi drivers can't make ends meet any more.

My father didn't even apply for old age pension when he turned 65 because his plan for years has been to hit rock bottom so he has an excuse to kill himself. He hasn't wanted to live for years. He has no friends, he has pushed them all away, and frequently talks about wanting to kill his brother (for ridiculous and laughable reasons) and others.

What can I do? I've done everything any reasonable person would do to help him, and more. Every avenue of assistance I have set up he has refused to follow through with. Am I supposed to somehow drag a 100Kg 67 year old man to these appointments?

There's nothing else I can do. He's such a selfish ***** that he refused to talk to me for a month because I couldn't (literally couldn't afford to) pay his cell phone bill and his phone got cut off.
I helped him when I could and tried to get him back on his feet and he refused my help and everyon else's and he's made up his mind that he wants to end his life. He refuses to do anything for himself. He had me calling his landlord today to try to get his stuff back because he didn't want to deal with it himself. This is not new, this is a 30 year old pattern of behavior. He is not a child, he's a 67 year old man with all of his mental faculties very very much intact and he's just given up on life.

I know this is an awful thing to have to try but maybe the kindest thing to do is to let him die, it certainly looks like to me there is nothing else you can try. Only as long as you are able to live with that though. I would try to draw strength out of it personally and ensure i didnt make the same mistakes as him in life.

 

[azazl187]

I don't know how good supports are for this kind of thing I've never really dealt with this on this kind of level before.
I'm still having a really hard time accepting reality right now.

Is there anything that he can teach you? You say he is an intelligent guy. Maybe his helping you in your life will help him in his, give him more of a reason to carry on knowing that he is passing on his knowledge and experience onto you.

 

[Trig]

You can only help those that want to be helped.

 

[jumpy]

probably not what you want to hear and i don't mean to be provocational, but from that post i'd say it's time to let him go before he starts dragging you down w/ him. no matter what your feelings, you can't help people who don't want to be helped. i know that from experience.

@ OP. This is probably the only sensible course of action (with a caveat) that you can take. You already seem to have done as much as you can with time and money and attempting to facilitate change for your dad.

The hard truth for you to digest is he doesn't want to change himself or his life. No amount of effort on your part is going to influence that.

None.

Now to the caveat - should he choose to reach out to you, be there and do what you can. But don't throw away your time and (lets be straight here) your money when both of those are in limited supply. You have to do what you need to for yourself first and foremost, then you can look to helping others.

Don't make the mistake of using yourself up for someone who has no intention to change. Having family put this kind of thing on you is very very selfish. Even if they don't necessarily realise it at the time, they know damn well what they are doing to everyone around them - it's just that they've come to believe that it's their right or entitlement to be that way.

Tough break. If you can get him into some kind of secure care you might be on to something. Chances are he'll hate you for it. That might change in time along with his view of himself and the world and his place in it. Or it might not.

Best of luck to you. I know what it's like to feel that you need to do something, anything to help someone you care for and yet be utterly helpless because they don't want to do what needs to be done to get themselves back on track.

 

[Cromulent]

If you have any specific questions I might be able to help you. I've been through the mental health system before (including being in hospital). This was in the UK though.

Just quote me with any questions you have so I get a notification so I don't miss your post.