The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Ex doesn't as far as I'm aware have a new partner. She's been battling with cancer for the past couple of years and as such didn't want to get involved with anyone else.

I text her this morning anyway and wished her all the best and asked that she doesn't contact me. She understands as she knows I have a new partner. I've also deleted her number (even though I know it).
 
It may be for the best but if you've been messaging on/off anyway since breaking up then it may take some willpower to not ask how she's doing in a few months, it would probably be better if you didn't find out at all how she gets on as if you still have even an ounce of feelings towards her it could be very difficult on your emotions.

Did you come to the above on your own or has your girlfriend pushed for absolutely no contact and deleting a number you know off the top of your head?
 
Ayahuasca said:
It may be for the best but if you've been messaging on/off anyway since breaking up then it may take some willpower to not ask how she's doing in a few months, it would probably be better if you didn't find out at all how she gets on as if you still have even an ounce of feelings towards her it could be very difficult on your emotions.

Did you come to the above on your own or has your girlfriend pushed for absolutely no contact and deleting a number you know off the top of your head?
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I spoke with the ex briefly on Sunday, she said she had to go and I said ring me tomorrow, ie yesterday. Since then I told my gf and she obviously didn't take it too well. I was quite ill yesterday so I'd forgotten I was waiting for a call and my phone rang when my gf and I were watching telly. My gf saw the name and that obviously went down like a lead balloon. So this morning I text my ex and explained everything and after a few texts too and fro we agreed it's for the best if we don't talk.

I haven't really spoken to her at all since April when she was helping me out work wise (we work in the same industry and share a lot of mutual friends) so it's not like we are properly in touch. Since then it's just been a message asking if I can look after the dog while she visits family in Scotland which after a while I decided wasn't a good idea.
 
Jesus, if my ex (5 years together, split up amicably 3 years ago) was in that situation and possibly near death, and my current fiance had an issue with me getting in touch, I would re-evaluate my engagement.

Luckily I know this wouldn't be the case, hell, her ex is one of our best friends, and my fiance isn't a bitch. :p
 
Have to agree with Krooton with this, it doesn't matter if the other person is an ex, a colleague, a friend or family you obviously have your reasons for breaking up, but your current partner going nuclear because you're trying to be a decent human while someone is going through a rough time is not a good sign. New partner needs a slap and you need to apologise to the ex for being a crappy person controlled by someone also being crappy. No contact from the start would have been easier but in this situation where you have mutual contacts it sounds like you were managing it well before your current partner took an issue with it.
 
krooton said:
Jesus, if my ex (5 years together, split up amicably 3 years ago) was in that situation and possibly near death, and my current fiance had an issue with me getting in touch, I would re-evaluate my engagement.

Luckily I know this wouldn't be the case, hell, her ex is one of our best friends, and my fiance isn't a bitch. :p
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Totally agree with most of this, It seems incredibly heartless.

But the situation is what it is now.
 
JonnyT said:
Interesting video about the psychology of men vs women, and women often end up with 'bad guys'
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It's also interesting to think about *why* men hate being rejected by women. If a man's rejection is seen by other women then he kills his chances with those girls too (because of pre-selection).

The psychology of men v women is a really interesting subject. I've always been very shy and finding a partner was difficult. Now I am married and a few years ago I started not caring what women thought if I was in the pub in a group. If they didn't like opinions I had then it was no consequence to me because I'm not looking for a girl now. But I noticed women started reacting very differently to me and, unexpectedly, showed far more interest in me when I couldn't care less whether I said something they agreed with. If I were ever single again I hope I still wouldn't care.
 
Hades said:
It's also interesting to think about *why* men hate being rejected by women. If a man's rejection is seen by other women then he kills his chances with those girls too (because of pre-selection).

The psychology of men v women is a really interesting subject. I've always been very shy and finding a partner was difficult. Now I am married and a few years ago I started not caring what women thought if I was in the pub in a group. If they didn't like opinions I had then it was no consequence to me because I'm not looking for a girl now. But I noticed women started reacting very differently to me and, unexpectedly, showed far more interest in me when I couldn't care less whether I said something they agreed with. If I were ever single again I hope I still wouldn't care.
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Agree the psychology is very interesting

Ask too many girls and you'e keen a pest, don' ask don' get, judge moment wrong, social pressures. It works both ways too. Girl is too keen can be off putting. Etc etc

Men and women are different just as men and men are different. But does suck being a shy guy. I'e only asked 3 girls in my life 'out' outside of Internet dating. 1 was my ex, one is my gf and one said no.

I can' do it if I don' think there is a strong possibility of sucess (signs). And all times I knew then well.

Having niche hobbies like I do and more importantly wanting my partner to be wanting to share them with me means no point dating or asking a randomer. But by time I know the above, the girl is well into the 'of it goes wrong it's going to be awkward as we are friends'.
 
Would love others perspective of my current situation with my wife (2 years, together for 8 total). We have always had a healthy sex life even 8 years in, its one a week minimum whereas my friends and hers don't have it for months. I am considerably more sexually motived than she is.

The issue really is that right from the outset she made it clear that she doesnt really get anything from the act as she has no release. (This release just doesnt happen even solo, so its not be just being appalling)
Recently I confronted her about over-egging noises in the bedroom which I suspected for some time, which she admitted too and said it was a learnt behaviour from her first boyfriend and she has always done it. I get and accepted this. Anyway after my ego got knocked a bit from that we agreed she wouldn't go crazy with noises anymore - good for the most part.

My biggest issue now is that yes I basically get laid at my beck and call as she wants to please me etc, but it feels super hollow. Like its great to get my socks off , but knowing she gets nothing from it has got to be the biggest turn off of the century.

Im hyper confused also as before we met she had a work fling for a few months but claims it was driven not by sex but more needing companionship (she was single for about 2 years) but it was very much set up like f buddy status if you get what I mean. I know that was then and this is now, but I guess you can say im having a bit of an identity crisis about our sex life.
Any advice/thoughts?
 
iamtheoneneo said:
Would love others perspective of my current situation with my wife (2 years, together for 8 total). We have always had a healthy sex life even 8 years in, its one a week minimum whereas my friends and hers don't have it for months. I am considerably more sexually motived than she is.

The issue really is that right from the outset she made it clear that she doesnt really get anything from the act as she has no release. (This release just doesnt happen even solo, so its not be just being appalling)
Recently I confronted her about over-egging noises in the bedroom which I suspected for some time, which she admitted too and said it was a learnt behaviour from her first boyfriend and she has always done it. I get and accepted this. Anyway after my ego got knocked a bit from that we agreed she wouldn't go crazy with noises anymore - good for the most part.

My biggest issue now is that yes I basically get laid at my beck and call as she wants to please me etc, but it feels super hollow. Like its great to get my socks off , but knowing she gets nothing from it has got to be the biggest turn off of the century.

Im hyper confused also as before we met she had a work fling for a few months but claims it was driven not by sex but more needing companionship (she was single for about 2 years) but it was very much set up like f buddy status if you get what I mean. I know that was then and this is now, but I guess you can say im having a bit of an identity crisis about our sex life.
Any advice/thoughts?
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How is the relationship besides the sex life? Usually their linked to one another. Do you still go out on dates? Make her feel special etc as many don't and that can affect things in the bedroom over time.
 
Most women struggle or can't climax from intercourse alone, some may have in the past but are reluctant to tell you as they know it's a huge blow to your ego (I could be wrong but it seems you may be alluding to this from what you've written above about her previous partners?), many people have extremely weird turn ons that are their only way to get off and then sometimes it simply comes down to physical and mental compatabilities, lets not lower the tone too much but some women do need a larger phallus, particularly if their first sexual encounters involved one or they're very visually and mentally stimulated by such offerings.
 
yeh its all fine, sure we have a little one but deal with that very well between us.
She is just not into sex and shes always been that way she claims, its more to please the other person. which as a solo status without history I would get. but confusion sets in when I try to get my head around the f buddy stuff and that it was just being about companionship for her.

I dunno its like 2+2 arent equally 4 for me and because whilst sex may be on the table it isnt exactly mutually fulfilling im just analysing all this stuff/history maybe more than I should be!?!
 
Get yourself a Vibra King off Ebay.

Pricey, but worth it!

Most women struggle to get off from sex itself, irrespective of the size of the todger, and there is nothing wrong with getting her there using other means.
 
iamtheoneneo said:
Would love others perspective of my current situation with my wife (2 years, together for 8 total). We have always had a healthy sex life even 8 years in, its one a week minimum whereas my friends and hers don't have it for months. I am considerably more sexually motived than she is.

The issue really is that right from the outset she made it clear that she doesnt really get anything from the act as she has no release. (This release just doesnt happen even solo, so its not be just being appalling)
Recently I confronted her about over-egging noises in the bedroom which I suspected for some time, which she admitted too and said it was a learnt behaviour from her first boyfriend and she has always done it. I get and accepted this. Anyway after my ego got knocked a bit from that we agreed she wouldn't go crazy with noises anymore - good for the most part.

My biggest issue now is that yes I basically get laid at my beck and call as she wants to please me etc, but it feels super hollow. Like its great to get my socks off , but knowing she gets nothing from it has got to be the biggest turn off of the century.

Im hyper confused also as before we met she had a work fling for a few months but claims it was driven not by sex but more needing companionship (she was single for about 2 years) but it was very much set up like f buddy status if you get what I mean. I know that was then and this is now, but I guess you can say im having a bit of an identity crisis about our sex life.
Any advice/thoughts?
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If she really can't even finish on her own it's pretty unusual, maybe she should see someone about it?

I unfortunately am one of those guys who feels like I have failed if I can't get her there at least some times so this would drive me mad!
 
XeNoN89 said:
If she really can't even finish on her own it's pretty unusual, maybe she should see someone about it?

I unfortunately am one of those guys who feels like I have failed if I can't get her there at least some times so this would drive me mad!
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Yep try 8 years of never seeing it!
She honestly has claimed that she cant climax at all, When we were first going out I thought it was a joke/something to prove her wrong on. But nope it seems there is minimal build up but no release at all.

krooton said:
Get yourself a Vibra King off Ebay.
Pricey, but worth it!
Most women struggle to get off from sex itself, irrespective of the size of the todger, and there is nothing wrong with getting her there using other means.
Click to expand...
I got her something for her birthday once, hasnt used it at all bc she says it wont get her anywhere...
 
I understand what you mean to an extent.
I'm super sensitive to any sign of fakery.
It' not great as I can tell almost instantly if my gf is not into it. And then I lose it myself if I sense this, but I always know. (overthinking)

I personally couldn' be with someone who did it to please me. I hate to feel serviced. And get no enjoyment from it.
I'd also worry 'why'.

Have a less drastic issue myself with my gf in that it's not that frequent and thus anxiety builds in my head. And it' balanced at the point of I put much pressure on myself each time because it' rare. Worry that because it' rare if it goes bad it' a bad sign etc etc.

For me once a week is 'enough', once every 2 weeks plays on my phyche. It' close to the later and I'd say is the only issue I have trouble with. Sounds like it' only issue you have trouble with in your relationship. When it plays on your mind it can be destructive. It is for me anyway.

I've tried doing what my gf says, but like you (I guess) I hate having to instigate it.
For me it's I always think say she' too tired etc. But at same time wants me to initiate.
She wouldnt say yes to please me (thank goodness).

If I was you I'd try as many things as possible, toys, etc. Anything she' open to. But if nothing works. I couldn' handle it myself.
 
Have you tried being dominant? Hard to fake if you aren't that type of guy or have the presence but it's definitely a thing as well for some, not just physically either it can be a mental thing for women to want to feel dominated and to truly submit.
 
iamtheoneneo said:
Yep try 8 years of never seeing it!
I got her something for her birthday once, hasnt used it at all bc she says it wont get her anywhere...
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Normal things are all pretty much crap, even expensive £200 stuff from Lelo.

The Vibra King is an antique (made in the 50s), built like a brick, and mains powered :D
 
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