The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

Well I'm not going to see my friend now because my gf has totally ruined what was supposed to be a fun break from work for me.

Am I really in the wrong here? It just seems pretty textbook form of abuse from what I've read on Reddit. I've texted my gf to tell her that the trip is off and I'm not going but she's not replying. Maybe she's just busy at the moment?
 
Xandrael said:
I have been diagnosed with Asperger's, but it's no big deal and doesn't really have any impact on my life.
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Well, it comes across quite strongly in your forum postings, and it perhaps has affected your ability to understand your now-ex-girlfriend's point of view.

That's not a dig, but just a pointer that you are maybe not reading this in the same way as a neurotypical might.
 
Xandrael said:
But I did think about it - if the roles were reversed I wouldn't care at all because I trust her implicitly! Unfortunately she doesn't seem to reciprocate this trust and is taking her jealousy and insecurities out on me by trying to manipulate me!!!

She just sent me a text message asking me not to call her at work because it's unprofessional and to move on with my life and enjoy my trip to Cornwall. I really don't want to go now that she's ruined it for me.
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How long have you both been together?

And you may trust her implicitly, but if she's had bad experiences in the past, then you need to also see things from her side that she might not be as trusting as you are.

One could argue that you were expressing manipulative behaviour towards her by using her own insecurities against her.
 
Dakimakura - Really ? I had to look that up. Good god man.

I'm 45, everything seems to be described as abusive nowadays. She said this.... he told her that's abuse.....

Now you're ringing her 15 times a day, facebook messages, not cool. She will see that as abuse

Also, why ARENT you considering smashing your friend down in devon ? :-)

So much wrong in one thread.

SBK
 
Xandrael said:
Well I'm not going to see my friend now because my gf has totally ruined what was supposed to be a fun break from work for me.

Am I really in the wrong here? It just seems pretty textbook form of abuse from what I've read on Reddit. I've texted my gf to tell her that the trip is off and I'm not going but she's not replying. Maybe she's just busy at the moment?
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It's the way you've labelled the trip as well. A "fun break". What exactly were your plans for this trip? You mentioned staying with your friend, are we talking the same hotel suite, or completely different rooms?

Here's a question for you, Would you not entertain bringing your GF with you? If not, why not?
 
@Xandrael this is a bit of a tricky one. It all depends how a) important this 'old friend' is to you, and how important meeting up with her is when compared to your relationship with your girlfriend and b) your view on the state of your relationship with your girlfriend prior to this flashpoint, and how you wish it to continue.

As I say in point A, how important is seeing this person again to you? Is it worth the end of your relationship with your girlfriend? Deep down is there any likelihood that something might happen? Deep down, do you still have any residual feelings for your friend?

Point B is more complex; I appreciate your stance with your girlfriend that she should not be able to dictate who you do and do not socialise with, but as you say there is a certain amount of 'history' there which might appear unsavoury to your girlfriend, especially if she is insecure after being cheated on before. I guess it is all about priorities; some here might say that you did the right thing standing your ground regarding seeing your friend again, as to bow to your girlfriend's wishes would doom your status in the relationship to some kind of subservience (or being a 'beta') moving forward, and there is some weight to this argument (I've been there...). Yes, your girlfriend is being somewhat un-trusting and unreasonable, but given your history and hers, you can understand it to some degree. She doesn't seem to understand what an ultimatum is though!

I guess it comes down to the point that only you can answer if your stance regarding seeing your friend is worth the end of your relationship with your girlfriend?
 
Xandrael said:
Well I'm not going to see my friend now because my gf has totally ruined what was supposed to be a fun break from work for me.

Am I really in the wrong here? It just seems pretty textbook form of abuse from what I've read on Reddit. I've texted my gf to tell her that the trip is off and I'm not going but she's not replying. Maybe she's just busy at the moment?
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No, it's not emotional abuse. She isn't blackmailing you, she has ended the relationship and is asking you to leave her alone. You are in the wrong here, no doubt about that at all. Stop applying labels to her that don't apply in this situation, she is not being manipulative.

Give her some space and wait for HER to contact you. Stop acting like a child and pestering her insistently, it is very unattractive.
 
Semple said:
It's the way you've labelled the trip as well. A "fun break". What exactly were your plans for this trip? You mentioned staying with your friend, are we talking the same hotel suite, or completely different rooms?

Here's a question for you, Would you not entertain bringing your GF with you? If not, why not?
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My friend booked a room through her employer, it's a double so there would be separate beds. Like I said though, this whole ordeal has soured it for me so I've already told her I won't be able to make it after all and made up some excuse about work.
Semple said:
How long have you both been together?

And you may trust her implicitly, but if she's had bad experiences in the past, then you need to also see things from her side that she might not be as trusting as you are.

One could argue that you were expressing manipulative behaviour towards her by using her own insecurities against her.
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18 months. I know that she's had bad experiences in the past but from how she tells it her ex was a total ******* and how I'm nothing like him because I'm caring and considerate.
 
Armageus said:
Indeed strong first post - don't worry though currently investigating
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I think you'll find I'm squeaky clean...

ferret2.gif
 
Xandrael said:
18 months. I know that she's had bad experiences in the past but from how she tells it her ex was a total ******* and how I'm nothing like him because I'm caring and considerate.
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Except with this whole ordeal, you've shown that you aren't caring and considerate or sympathetic to her previously being cheated on.
 
Xandrael said:
My friend booked a room through her employer, it's a double so there would be separate beds. Like I said though, this whole ordeal has soured it for me so I've already told her I won't be able to make it after all and made up some excuse about work.
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Whether you actually had intentions or not, sharing a room is a clear no-no. What if you'd had a bit to drink and your "old friend" came on to you? It sounds like her (your old friend) expectations of this trip are completely different to yours.

Also you missed out on my question about not inviting your GF along? Even if she (GF) has no intentions of going with you, the mere fact that you'd considered inviting her goes along way to showing that this is purely just a 'catch up over a coffee' type situation.


Xandrael said:
18 months. I know that she's had bad experiences in the past but from how she tells it her ex was a total ******* and how I'm nothing like him because I'm caring and considerate.
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18 months is not long at all to start properly building trust.
 
Semple said:
Whether you actually had intentions or not, sharing a room is a clear no-no. What if you'd had a bit to drink and your "old friend" came on to you? It sounds like her (your old friend) expectations of this trip are completely different to yours.

Also you missed out on my question about not inviting your GF along? Even if she (GF) has no intentions of going with you, the mere fact that you'd considered inviting her goes along way to showing that this is purely just a 'catch up over a coffee' type situation.
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Well she won't answer my calls or texts so I can't ask her if she wants to go with me now. And I wouldn't allow anything to happen with my friend anyway because I love my gf and wouldn't do anything like that to her.
 
Xandrael said:
Well she won't answer my calls or texts so I can't ask her if she wants to go with me now. And I wouldn't allow anything to happen with my friend anyway because I love my gf and wouldn't do anything like that to her.
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The point being that you would have asked her that in the first place, not as an after thought - which is exactly what she'll think if you did ask her now.

And yes, you might not "allow anything to happen with your friend", but that's certainly not going to stop her trying is it?

What if she tried it on, you rejected her, and then she kicked you out because she clearly got the wrong end of the stick? As you'd not booked your own room, you've got no-where else to go??




Whilst i can probably see that for you this trip was clearly innocent, perhaps going on Cheesyboys post below in that you don't seem to have displayed any empathy towards your GF when discussing this trip.

cheesyboy said:
Well, it comes across quite strongly in your forum postings, and it perhaps has affected your ability to understand your now-ex-girlfriend's point of view.

That's not a dig, but just a pointer that you are maybe not reading this in the same way as a neurotypical might.
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Semple said:
The point being that you would have asked her that in the first place, not as an after thought - which is exactly what she'll think if you did ask her now.

And yes, you might not "allow anything to happen with your friend", but that's certainly not going to stop her trying is it?

What if she tried it on, you rejected her, and then she kicked you out because she clearly got the wrong end of the stick? As you'd not booked your own room, you've got no-where else to go??




Whilst i can probably see that for you this trip was clearly innocent, perhaps going on Cheesyboys post below in that you don't seem to have displayed any empathy towards your GF when discussing this trip.
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I didn't think she'd want to go because it's so far away and she doesn't know my friend. Plus I'd have to pay for a hotel room then as there would be too many of us to stay in one room.

Just sent a text to my gf saying that I'm sorry I didn't take her feelings into consideration and have cancelled the trip because it doesn't feel right. I'm also going to order a huge bouquet of flowers to her work as she always says how much she likes them and that I should have them in my flat. What's the appropriate amount to spend?
 
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