Coping with loss of parent..

[Kill_Phil]

I don't want to sound harsh but you need to man up and just deal with it.

Whilst no doubt said with good intentions, the worlds attitude to men having to grin and just get on with it is really quite damaging.

OP I'm sorry for your loss. Time can be a great healer and you need to stay close with loved ones. Make sure you have an outlet to speak to as like others have said talking things thorugh can be a massive help.

The nhs has some good information and pointers.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/coping-with-bereavement/

 

[TonyTurbo78]

Never thought i'd be one making this sort of thread.. My dad passed last month on the 26th of heart failure at 66, suddenly and with little warning, he had a few shortness of breaths and little chest pains over the last year but nothing he felt the need to get checked. Feeling like my world caved in, i'm expecting a little one in October and i'm trying to feel enthusiasm and be happy with my wife etc.. but it all feels empty now. People sort of expect me to take it on the chin as a 36 yr old man but by god sometimes i wail and cry... Does this immense pain ease?

Sorry for loss man, I really am.

I went through it 3 years ago, it does get easier in a way but there hasn't been a day so far when I've not pictured the horrible way dad went. I still cry and get angry about it most days still. I lost him 4 weeks before my wedding and constantly hate myself for not marrying my long term girfriend at the time a lot sponer and making him a proud grandparent. He was an incredible father, an incredible human being, my hero really. I still miss him so much every day, eventually you will remember the good times which does make it easier but the loss and hurt will always be there if you were very close like myself.

Stay strong cherish your loved ones.

 

[Scort]

Lost my Dad in late 2010 to heart failure, well, multi organ failure when he came off of life support - at the age of 56. This was a few months before my 30th, and I never bothered to celebrate that - it felt pointless; as did the Christmas immediately following his death - my Dad loved Christmas and always made a huge thing out of it.

You move on though. It takes time, plenty of crying - the deepest hear-wrenching crying you'll ever experience; but you get by. I don't think anyone with a hear would expect you to take it on the chin, or 'man up' - and anyone who does, well **** them. You're human and have lost a huge chunk of your life - you have every right to cry.

 

[IvanDobskey]

Really sorry for your loss

I see my parents getting older and it does scare me the day will come when I lose one.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[Jean-F]

Harder said than done, man up for what ?

Emotion is a very complex attribute in people. If you need to show emotion then do, don't be ashamed to cry.

Only real men cry.

My sentiments exactly, thanks for saying it itchy.

 

[Feef]

Very sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad 8 years ago, when I was 23. Looking back, I'm not entirely sure how I "dealt" with it. I was lucky to have a really caring girlfriend at the time, who dealt with a lot of things so I didn't have to, and I still very much appreciate that, even though we broke up. My uncle also reverted to full on military officer mode to organise all of the proceedings, which while normally a bit annoying, was very helpful in the situation.

I guess the biggest single help for me was the "celebration" we had for his life, at his old Cambridge college. Aside from being a beautiful setting (and an excuse for lunchtime cocktails with my mum beforehand), I met many of his old colleagues and collaborators, and will never forget the kind words they had to say about him, as well as their offers to me for anything I might need. Sort of felt like his spirit and influence still lived on amongst all these people I mostly only knew from hearing their names mentioned.

I don't think it ever goes away completely though, and I sort of hope it doesn't. He deserves to be remembered, and while it's a topic I avoid (usually) with my mum, I do discuss it with my wife, who sadly never got to meet him, and he still regularly pops up in my dreams. And I'm fine with that

 

[Bonjour]

I lost my mum nearly 3 years ago, to heart failure.

I still miss her every single day. I'm not sure I'll ever really get over the loss. It's like a significant part of myself has been lost. You adapt, though, and learn to deal with it better.

Currently sitting having a coffee with my dad. I've learned to treasure these moments.

 

[phonemonkey]

Im sorry for your loss.

I view grief like a physical location. At first you live there all the time. Then after some time has passed you start taking weekend trips to other places; perhaps a friend's wedding, a graduation, a new job, the birth of a child. Gradually the weekend trips become weeks, which turn into fortnights, months etc until you no longer live in grief, you just visit it. It's true that time heals.

Don't be afraid to ask for help, to cry if you want to. There's no right way to grieve, just because you're a 36 year old man doesn't mean you have to be stoic.

 

[dirtychinchilla]

Never thought i'd be one making this sort of thread.. My dad passed last month on the 26th of heart failure at 66, suddenly and with little warning, he had a few shortness of breaths and little chest pains over the last year but nothing he felt the need to get checked. Feeling like my world caved in, i'm expecting a little one in October and i'm trying to feel enthusiasm and be happy with my wife etc.. but it all feels empty now. People sort of expect me to take it on the chin as a 36 yr old man but by god sometimes i wail and cry... Does this immense pain ease?

Echoing everyone else, I'm sorry for your loss. A few people in my life have died over the years. Some have come as a shock, and at least one was expected. The unexpected have been by far the msot painful, and I've done the crying and wailing thing. Mainly confined to the shower and the car, but I find it helps.

You will be OK, though. Time really does heal, and it'll become less painful. I've broken down at inappropriate times occasionally, but people understand.

I also grew up with only one grandfather, but all I ever heard from my mother is what a wonderful man he was. Maybe the reality would have been different! But she gave me that "memory" of him and I treasure it, and try to be like him in as many ways as possible. Maybe that's the gift you can give you child.

 

[Devrij]

It does get easier. My dad died over a decade ago, and it's only on the odd occasion that it hits me. Usually if my daughter does something a bit rude and I think how he would have laughed at it. You can't beat yourself up about all the "if only I" stuff. It is what it is, and all you can do is use that to decide how you want to live now. Be a great dad to your new child to honour his memory.

I promise you that when your sprog arrives (if it's your first) you'll feel a new kinship with him as you go through all the stuff he did. You'll also have a huge wellspring of love to fill the gap he left.

 

[MookJong]

Very sorry OP, just have to go one day at a time. Pass on the best parts of your fathers character to your own child and his influence truly lives on.

I'm an only child here and it's going to shatter me, suddenly I'm nearly 40 and people my parents age frequently die. All of a sudden this is it, I could have had my time with them. Desperately trying to encourage them to go on holiday next year with me and my wife to literally build up some memories and photos. I don't want to say "I wish we had..." when the time comes.

 

[chaparral]

Sorry for your lost....

I also lost my father just over a year ago ....

I Found myself thinking a lot of him lately of all the times he helped me with working on my cars and painting my rooms and all the other things he helped me with....

 

[Justintime]

Thank you all, believe it or not your words are comforting to me. Really appreciate it.

 

[Vidar]

@Justintime Hello mate, as others have said I am really sorry to hear about your loss and can relate to everything you've said having lost my own Dad whom I was very close to in November 2003.

I just want to say a few things, the most important of which is to allow yourself to grieve. Me I bottled my grief up and as my Dad's only biological child for some reason thought it was my responsibility to support my mum, brother and sisters despite me being the "baby" of the family. It took me years to start dealing with it and even longer before I can I say I fully came to terms with it. As a bereavement councillor told me, take as long as you need to heal everyone is different.

You will feel like everything is hollow right now, that's normal and I can relate about how your old man won't get to meet his granddaughter as my Dad obviously never got to meet my children but things will get easier, I don't know about time being a healer in such matters as there are still times I allow myself to get upset by his absence and there is seldom a day that goes by where I don't think about him.

Sorry I'm probably just chatting bubbles but I hope some of this helps, you're going through one of the hardest things a person can if you need to vent or anything feel free to drop me a trust, I'm still stuck in hospital with this damned leg so may not see messages straight away but am happy to talk if you need it.

 

[Raumarik]

lost both my parents in the past 18 months, mum suddenly ( no chance to say goodbye) and dad in quite a horrific and drawn out way in which he suffered immensely.

I took my mother's death much worse but even though I knew dad was suffering being able to talk candidly with him about what was happening to him over the months made it somehow easier to accept he was gone.

OP it gets easier but you'll still find yourself tearing up especially when alone with time to think about them but over time I'm finding the good memories are fighting back. Last thing I think any parent wants is for their child to dwell and be unhappy, so I've tried to focus on their legacy in me, my brother and my daughter. it's still a big hole and mum said it's something you just learn to accept over time but how long it takes varies massively. chin up mate.

I scanned about 3500 family photos recently. it helped a lot to reignite the good memories although was tough at the time..

 

[Kronos]

Lost my good lady last Tuesday week, funeral tomorrow, this is my first experience of someone close to me passing. I feel that I have not really accepted it yet, I have certainly teared up on occasions but I have not had a full blown cry which I feel I need. So in some small way I can relate to what you are going through, though grief is so personal and how we deal with it individual.
I shall probably go and get ****** on my own tomorrow after the funeral, for the first time in years, hopefully have a good weep and then try to manage the loneliness which is difficult when a person you have shared 35 years is no longer around.

All I can do is offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your dad.

 

[Vinny1511]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

My experience is very similar to many of those that have already posted - I sadly lost my mum to cancer two years ago so I can relate to many of your feelings.

Personally, I got sick of hearing 'Time is a healer' - As at the time, it felt such an insignificant statement, it does hold some truth however, when you start processing your loss. Although I'd say the pain never ever truly leaves you behind, you do start to replace the feeling of loss with good memories and you learn to cope.

My advice is, dont be too hard on yourself, put yourself first for a while, most importantly give yourself time to grieve - If you want to cry, then do. If you feel sad, then allow yourself. I refused to do any of these things, and ended up worse in the long run, delayed grief is harder to process than dealing with it at the time (In my opinion).

Once again, my sincere condolences..

 

[Qjumper]

Sorry for your loss, I lost my dad when he was in his late 50's and it does hit you like a steam train. Have your time to reflect and mourn then get on with life as he would have expected you too. He will always be with you as I am sure you will remember him and the times you had..

But remember life goes on, be there for your mum. Life goes on

 

[Amleto]

Sorry dude. I have a similar story, losing both parents in 18 months from 2012. It still 'pangs' that they never got to see their grand daughter.

I felt angry/intensely frustrated for a while. Just remember you're not alone. Keep talking, keep feeling. It does get easier, but never easy.

 

[esoteric]

Lost the man I refer to as Dad in these situations in 2011 to cancer. Mum, my sister, brother in law and myself were with him when he died, my brother wasn't. I cried, we all did at that moment, but I sobered myself quickly so I would be able to phone his sister and tell her but when I wanted to say that he just died I started to blubber, but she understood me. She's the most gentle and thoughtful person and I've ever known and I knew it would crush her when he died so I really didn't want a delay in letting her know. Sadly she died last year.

He raised me from around 6 years old, I'm 34 now. After things settled after his death and we were having our first meal I took 4 plates out of the cupboard, I said to Mum "Look I took 4 plates out". His death was expected but was still a but sudden, he stayed home until it was too much then went to a local nursing home place and died later that day, about an hour after we arrived to see him. In hindsight I just would have liked to thank him for the life he gave me, just to let him know 100% that I thought of him as my Dad. He 2 had biological kids and he sent them money and stuff for their birthdays but to my knowledge they never contacted him.

My Mum died in April this year, another parent lost to cancer. The whole situation this time was far more sad, but not for me, for my Mum. Mentally she was one of the toughest people I knew, she was a no nonsense sort of woman, she had so much pride she did just about everything herself. The tragedy is that that woman was not present towards the end, she was a broken woman and I knew exactly the mental anguish she was dealing with more than the physical, so much that she frequently was asking the nurses to kill her or leave her the means so she could do it herself. I saw her mental and physical implosion but she never spoke to us about it. I remember some things she asked me to do she could no longer do for herself, for her dignity I won't say what they were, I was proud to do it and I knew how hard it was for her to ask.

This time no one was present for the death as it happened. Everyone was visiting in the last few days but on the last day only my sister and I were there and we left due to exhaustion. A few hours later just after midnight we got the call that she died. My biggest regret is that I wasn't there when she died, not that she'd have known because she was comatose, and I know she wouldn't have wanted anyone there and probably waited for everyone to sod off so she could die in peace she always was stubborn hehe. She was one hell of a character my Mum, in a good way.

I miss her, we had a lot of fun over the last few years and I am content with the situation.