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[Fringe]

as a parent i found this upsetting this morning , I was on my way to work and found a 4 year old boy Cold and Dirty , he was crying i asked him where his mum and dad where he said he had woken up and his mummy was not there.
i took him in to the local bus station thinking that she may have gone to the public toilets , no surprise she wasn't there.
He said he was Hungry i gave him my dinner for the day and got him some drinks called the police who where there within 2 mins. they have taken him in to care.
I am Just amazed that a parent could do this to a child , I know not everyone has the means to look after a child and i know that times are rough but i would give everything to make sure my Kids where safe even if that meant i had to put them in care for a little bit till i could get sorted.

It has truly destroyed me this morning seeing a Boy the same age as mine in a situation like that.

 

[bigmike20vt]

that is rough but you just have to console yourself that you did the right thing and could have stopped something far worse happening.
On a brighter note.... I had my 1st father and son camping adventure with my 9 year old over the weekend. I wanted to do it last year but never got around to buying a tent. This one was only in the garden but we will make it more interesting in the future. (it was a dry run really whilst I work out what other bits we need

his mum is no longer a camper so it's just dad and son time for now but the Mrs has said she may give it a go once we get some better gear.

 

[Fringe]

that is rough but you just have to console yourself that you did the right thing and could have stopped something far worse happening.

Yeah thats what my wife said.

On a brighter note.... I had my 1st father and son camping adventure with my 9 year old over the weekend. I wanted to do it last year but never got around to buying a tent. This one was only in the garden but we will make it more interesting in the future. (it was a dry run really whilst I work out what other bits we need

his mum is no longer a camper so it's just dad and son time for now but the Mrs has said she may give it a go once we get some better gear.

Cant beat a good Camping trip my wife wont go near a tent. So far we have only done a night me and my boy hes 4 but enjoyed it , think it was mainly because we had a bbq and we where fishing lol

 

[bigmike20vt]

I used to love fishing with my dad as a young lad . I would take mine fishing but he has zero interest and no patience. he gets bored after 5 mins crabbing off seaside piers (which I am gutted about. even after a pushing 50 year old I like a bit of crabbing but at my age you need an excuse to do it

 

[Fringe]

I used to love fishing with my dad as a young lad . I would take mine fishing but he has zero interest and no patience. he gets bored after 5 mins crabbing off seaside piers (which I am gutted about. even after a pushing 50 year old I like a bit of crabbing but at my age you need an excuse to do it

I feel that he has no intrest in the actual waiting for the fish ( tablet comes first ) i found that when i took a 4th rod and set it up with a float he was pulling them out every 2 - 3 mins he was very interested.

 

[fez]

This is something very difficult to explain to non-parents that I don't even bother. Someone tried to get me into a debate about having kids vs not. My opinion is, do what works for you. If you want kids, great - if not, also great. It's your life.

I have mixed feelings on this because honestly I don't think that someones desire to be a parent has as big a influence on whether they are a good parent as some suggest. I know a lot of people who have always wanted kids and are bad parents. They wanted kids for selfish reasons and they don't put the effort in with their children and they are fundamentally not good parents. Good parents are the ones that love their children and put the effort in. Simple as that.

I was a reluctant parent but once you throw yourself into it, its the most rewarding thing in the world. This is why I think its such a tricky one. If you don't want kids massively but have them anyway you might find that its amazing and you are a great parent. If you have kids and find out they aren't what you want and you are a crappy parent then you shouldn't have had them in the first place. By that point its too late. Its a huge decision and commitment as well.

 

[MartinPrince]

I have mixed feelings on this because honestly I don't think that someones desire to be a parent has as big a influence on whether they are a good parent as some suggest. I know a lot of people who have always wanted kids and are bad parents. They wanted kids for selfish reasons and they don't put the effort in with their children and they are fundamentally not good parents. Good parents are the ones that love their children and put the effort in. Simple as that.

I was a reluctant parent but once you throw yourself into it, its the most rewarding thing in the world. This is why I think its such a tricky one. If you don't want kids massively but have them anyway you might find that its amazing and you are a great parent. If you have kids and find out they aren't what you want and you are a crappy parent then you shouldn't have had them in the first place. By that point its too late. Its a huge decision and commitment as well.

Yes, I would agree with all of this. It can be one of the most rewarding experiences for parent and child but it can also be terrible for both parties. Though in the formative years that decision/outcome is mainly down to the parent(s).

 

[bigmike20vt]

This is something very difficult to explain to non-parents that I don't even bother. Someone tried to get me into a debate about having kids vs not. My opinion is, do what works for you. If you want kids, great - if not, also great. It's your life.

Our boy turns 3 at the end of this month. How the time has gone by. His diction gets better every week and now he is potty training (Nightmare in itself) and we are considering another.

For all my life i was adamant i did not want kids.... then on my honeymoon out of the blue my, then wife dropped the i want kids bombshell - which i was not happy about and felt cornered at the time. We agreed in the end that if they came naturally so be it...... they didnt. then we looked at IVF and i agreed that if we could get on nhs then so be it but if not then no...... we were in the queue for 2 years and just as our process started the nhs changed policy and we no longer qualified.

I understand the nhs was struggling so in a way dont begrudge them but otoh we had waited for 2 extra years by which point we were pushing 40 and had we of lived 10 miles in 1 direction it would have gone ahead due to post code lottery.

so i went from never having kids to paying for 2 rounds of ivf privately. In truth i was terrified. i still didnt really want kids and i was breaking the 1 rule i swore i never would (dont compromise on choosing to have kids, both parents need to be 100% invested in the idea).

BUT i can honestly say that whilst it is true i do sometimes yearn for the before child life just for a few weeks, i genuinely would not have it any other way. It sounds lame but i feel it is true that what ever i achieve in my life, my son will be my (/our) greatest achievement (**with the small print of so long as he does not turn out to be a serial killer or terrorist **)

as slightly older parents - both my wife and I are 50 in the next year - i wont lie, it has been at times exhausting and i look at some of the things some of our younger friends do with theirs and i just do not have the energy - already one of my lads mates is looking like he may end up being a pro biker, they go all over the UK and even abroad, thinking nothing of travelling 200 miles on a school night so he can train with renowned athletes in the sport etc. just looking at their videos is exhausting (and some of the jumps and tricks they do.......... !. (they are only 9!)

but I think we are doing an ok job. our lad is doing well at school and is a well rounded lad with more confidence than either my wife or i ever had... albeit he does game a little too much (but then so do i).

its hard work..... but no regrets.

I DO NOT!!!! want another however.

 

[fez]

BUT i can honestly say that whilst it is true i do sometimes yearn for the before child life just for a few weeks, i genuinely would not have it any other way. It sounds lame but i feel it is true that what ever i achieve in my life, my son will be my (/our) greatest achievement (**with the small print of so long as he does not turn out to be a serial killer or terrorist **)

I think that if you didn't wish this occasionally you are a wrong un

I wish this regularly. I would love to have a day or two off properly every now and again. Kids are a weird thing. I want to spend as much time as possible with them but also I would love to have a proper break sometimes. What would be lovely is to have someone take care of them from about 10am until about 4pm for a week or so.

 

[bigmike20vt]

I think that if you didn't wish this occasionally you are a wrong un

I wish this regularly. I would love to have a day or two off properly every now and again. Kids are a weird thing. I want to spend as much time as possible with them but also I would love to have a proper break sometimes. What would be lovely is to have someone take care of them from about 10am until about 4pm for a week or so.

I am so lucky that i have an understanding wife (not to mention I had very clearly spelled out demands before agreeing to having a child ) combined with some friends who are in fortunate positions with a villa in Spain and every other year I get a 1 week lads away pass where over a dozen of us go over to Mallorca to watch the Euros or world cup group stages on a big screen with a swimming pool, golf course next door & no kids, no lasses and a huge amount of booze.

that week every other year is a real carrot to look forward too when things are stressful (to be clear I am happy for the wife to have a girls away session as well and i will return the favour - they do not do it as often however)

My parents would love to look after our son for a few days but they are pushing 80 now and not in the best of health so he is a bit much for more than an evening. Also they are 200 miles away.

My wifes parents are a little closer - 40 mins away but are also in their 80s and fully state that they are past their child care stage in life unless its in a real pinch. - we lost out there, my sister in law had kids 5 years earlier when they were a bit more game. (they help out massively in other ways however... our garden would be in a right state without their help )

 

[fez]

I am so lucky that i have an understanding wife (not to mention I had very clearly spelled out demands before agreeing to having a child ) combined with some friends who are in fortunate positions with a villa in Spain and every other year I get a 1 week lads away pass where over a dozen of us go over to Mallorca to watch the Euros or world cup group stages on a big screen with a swimming pool, golf course next door & no kids, no lasses and a huge amount of booze.

Sounds excellent!

Once ours are a little older (just turned 2) then it will be easier to leave them with grandparents. As it stands though they are...energetic currently and the grandparents can't really be trusted to keep an eye on them properly. Once we can trust them to actually listen to adults telling them not to do something silly then they can start to be left with other people.

My partner is also very good with accommodating my need for exercise and a break but we only even get 3-4 hours max away from them. Will change as they get older eh.

 

[Junglist]

I also didn't feel that bond to my boys for quite a while. They give you very very little at first and demand everything. Sleep depravation makes it 10x worse. When they start becoming humans though, there is nothing like it in the world. Best thing I have ever done by a country mile. Gives your life purpose and gratification like nothing else.

I'd say it took me a good 4-6 months before my father switch kicked into action. Prior to that point I was just playing backup dancer to my partner and making sure I was doing all I could to look after her. I found it quite hard to describe to my partner that feeling of she's had 9 months to grow her and feel her move inside of her. We only first meet them on the day they're born and I thought I was a monster for having no attachment to this new wrinkly crying stranger. I can't really pin-point the specific moment but it just felt like switched was pressed and boom - full time daddy mode.

@Fringe - Not a great experience to have had but you're a solid dude for doing what you did. May have been the most care another adult has ever shown that little guy.

 

[Junglist]

BUT i can honestly say that whilst it is true i do sometimes yearn for the before child life just for a few weeks, i genuinely would not have it any other way. It sounds lame but i feel it is true that what ever i achieve in my life, my son will be my (/our) greatest achievement (**with the small print of so long as he does not turn out to be a serial killer or terrorist **)

I don't think that sounds lame at all.

I never wanted children. I knew I was someone who was quite selfish and the idea of always being 2nd/3rd fiddle in my own life was off putting. How the universe works is quite funny. The day before my partner found out she was preggers she shown me a funny video of someone surprising their partner they were pregnant. I said "don't do that **** with me because the filmed response would not make for great viewing"... 24 hours later she calls me up whilst I'm in the office... I had just sent her a few bikes to look at as she ordered a road bike (**** off @fez before you start ) the day before and these Ribble ones were better value. She calls me up and naturally I am excited to discuss bike options.... She's crying/flustered down the phone saying she is positive with zero context. I tell her to stop worrying and that I'll come home and also do a covid test and worst case scenario we have to isolate for a few days... She keeps saying "No. I'm positive" and hung up on me and then sent me a picture on whatsapp of a clear blue test saying "PREGNANT".

Next few hours are a blur but I distinctly remember slumping into my office chair at work with my head in my hands. Then I cycled home as fast as I could to see my partner and one of my best friends there. Partner looking distraught and my friend has this stupid excited grin on her face (she gave my partner the test). I just walked upstairs, into the shower then spent about an hour sat on the bed in silence. I hated the thought of what was to come...

Fast forward to now and my little 3 year old is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I/We are not perfect parents we make mistakes all the time but we do our best and try to give her more opportunities that we had and really, I think that's all you can do.

What I never expected was the 180 my mind has done on Children. I'd actually love another. But now my view of child-less adults has been changed. I am really jealous of their spare time and extra money but in the back of my mind all I can think of when I hear people say they'll never want children is "wtf are you doing with your life, really?". I now don't see the point of grinding through a difficult life to what... leave your hard work to Battersea dogs home?!

 

[Fringe]

@Fringe - Not a great experience to have had but you're a solid dude for doing what you did. May have been the most care another adult has ever shown that little guy.

Just been on the phone to the police to give my full statement , the boy has been put in emergency care and the mother has still not been found. i hate the fact that a child has been taken from there parent but on the other hand hes in safer hands then he was with her.

 

[Quartz]

I was on my way to work and found a 4 year old boy Cold and Dirty , he was crying i asked him where his mum and dad where he said he had woken up and his mummy was not there.
i took him in to the local bus station thinking that she may have gone to the public toilets , no surprise she wasn't there.
He said he was Hungry i gave him my dinner for the day and got him some drinks called the police who where there within 2 mins. they have taken him in to care.

You did good. However, in this day and age the very first thing I would do is call the police: you don't want to be accused of child abduction.

 

[Fringe]

You did good. However, in this day and age the very first thing I would do is call the police: you don't want to be accused of child abduction.

Never thought about that tbh just in the moment panic from my side

 

[bigmike20vt]

Just been on the phone to the police to give my full statement , the boy has been put in emergency care and the mother has still not been found. i hate the fact that a child has been taken from there parent but on the other hand hes in safer hands then he was with her.

makes you wonder if something terrible has not happened to the mother, because surely no parent, even a rubbish one would do that to their kid!. Hopefully you find out it has a happier than expected ending and its just something unexpected but not catastrophic happened.

 

[dirtychinchilla]

I'd say it took me a good 4-6 months before my father switch kicked into action. Prior to that point I was just playing backup dancer to my partner and making sure I was doing all I could to look after her. I found it quite hard to describe to my partner that feeling of she's had 9 months to grow her and feel her move inside of her. We only first meet them on the day they're born and I thought I was a monster for having no attachment to this new wrinkly crying stranger. I can't really pin-point the specific moment but it just felt like switched was pressed and boom - full time daddy mode.

That's so interesting. I'm going through this at the moment. Our daughter has just turned four months and while I love her deeply, I find myself frequently frustrated with her. Why does she wake up at 5:30 AM and then not go back to sleep? Why does she turn her head in loads of directions when I'm trying to feed her? Why does she rub her eyes even when it stops her drinking, even when I stop her 20 times in a row?

My wife said I've been short-tempered with the baby and not really myself. I'm trying to work out what's up with me frankly. We had a hard time getting to this point...

We were trying to conceive naturally for about five years, making taking it really seriously for about two years. So, we went for IVF. My wife had some sort of operation to inspect her womb only to find that was all fine. Went private and got pregnant on the first try. I then got a slipped disc, and a few days later, the baby aborted itself. My wife had a DNC, though, so not only did we have this horrific partial miscarriage at home in which we both saw the foetus, but she had to go in for surgery on Boxing Day or the day after (I think). Following that, I just had to tough it out to support my wife the whole time. Life ticked by. My Crohn's struck and I was only liquid drinks for months, or puking after every meal. During that period, we had a second embryo put in and it was, again, successful. We spent that whole time wondering how long it would last - I told her it would be fine and I think I believed it, but perhaps not. September last year, I had about 5% of my intestine removed and since then I've been pretty healthy, though still working on the slipped disc. And in January, our little girl arrived.

In the scheme of things, she's wonderfully behaved. She barely cries, she drinks her milk, ***** regularly, etc, and I am hugely attached to her, but when I have her I just don't know what to do with her. And while my wife looks after her virtually 24/7, my wife is socialising more than she ever did. I feel a bit like I'm looking into a tunnel in which I get up very early, sit with the baby and drink coffee, go to work, get home and look after her/put her to bed, then lay on the sofa and do it all the next day.

Sorry, this is all a big vent, but I've also had enough of my job. I'm wondering if I've had some sort of apathetic/bored burnout, combined with a lack of stress at work that has made me just feel ****. Looking into therapy because I can't be apathetic towards my baby. It's not right. When I think about it, maybe I've just needed a real break to get my **** together, rather than being on this baby/illness treadmill for so long.

 

[fez]

All I can think of when I hear people say they'll never want children is "wtf are you doing with your life, really?". I now don't see the point of grinding through a difficult life to what... leave your hard work to Battersea dogs home?!

I don't see it from a legacy or meaning point of view per-se but just as a general life happiness thing. Perhaps I wasn't amazingly happy before I had the boys but I don't think I was unhappy in any way really. I would certainly say that I was happier than most people. Day to day though there was little joy in my life though. You work, you make dinner, you do some exercise or watch some TV, you go to bed. You kind of exist mostly for the high points of doing fun things. Since having children, you have multiple high points every day just from your interactions with them. Its such a hard thing to describe because I actively look forward to bed and sleep these days but not because I want the day to end, just because I am done by that point. Tired from doing things rather than just bored or whatever.

That's so interesting. I'm going through this at the moment. Our daughter has just turned four months and while I love her deeply, I find myself frequently frustrated with her. Why does she wake up at 5:30 AM and then not go back to sleep? Why does she turn her head in loads of directions when I'm trying to feed her? Why does she rub her eyes even when it stops her drinking, even when I stop her 20 times in a row?

Babies are stupid and would survive for about 2 hours without their parents. They also can't communicate so their logic for decisions is hard to fathom. If I get angry or short with my two I try to remind myself that I am expecting babies to essentially be more mature and developed than I am. If I am not mature enough to control my emotions at 37 then what can I expect from 2 year olds.

In the scheme of things, she's wonderfully behaved. She barely cries, she drinks her milk, ***** regularly, etc, and I am hugely attached to her, but when I have her I just don't know what to do with her. And while my wife looks after her virtually 24/7, my wife is socialising more than she ever did. I feel a bit like I'm looking into a tunnel in which I get up very early, sit with the baby and drink coffee, go to work, get home and look after her/put her to bed, then lay on the sofa and do it all the next day.

Sorry, this is all a big vent, but I've also had enough of my job. I'm wondering if I've had some sort of apathetic/bored burnout, combined with a lack of stress at work that has made me just feel ****. Looking into therapy because I can't be apathetic towards my baby. It's not right. When I think about it, maybe I've just needed a real break to get my **** together, rather than being on this baby/illness treadmill for so long.

Shes 4 months old. At that age they do almost nothing but exist and demand your attention and effort. They have usually just started to smile by that point and some babies are very smiley and others are not. You don't actually get much from them that you aren't making up in your head if you get what I mean. You're also in the trenches when it comes to sleep interruption. Sleep depravation is torture. Quite literally. Thats how they torture people.

It honestly took a while longer before I truly felt proper love for mine. At 4 months I would be flitting between thinking they were lovely and wanting to send them back from whence they came. My partner thought they had grown too much for that however.

 

[bigmike20vt]

That's so interesting. I'm going through this at the moment. Our daughter has just turned four months and while I love her deeply, I find myself frequently frustrated with her. Why does she wake up at 5:30 AM and then not go back to sleep? Why does she turn her head in loads of directions when I'm trying to feed her? Why does she rub her eyes even when it stops her drinking, even when I stop her 20 times in a row?

My wife said I've been short-tempered with the baby and not really myself. I'm trying to work out what's up with me frankly. We had a hard time getting to this point...

We were trying to conceive naturally for about five years, making taking it really seriously for about two years. So, we went for IVF. My wife had some sort of operation to inspect her womb only to find that was all fine. Went private and got pregnant on the first try. I then got a slipped disc, and a few days later, the baby aborted itself. My wife had a DNC, though, so not only did we have this horrific partial miscarriage at home in which we both saw the foetus, but she had to go in for surgery on Boxing Day or the day after (I think). Following that, I just had to tough it out to support my wife the whole time. Life ticked by. My Crohn's struck and I was only liquid drinks for months, or puking after every meal. During that period, we had a second embryo put in and it was, again, successful. We spent that whole time wondering how long it would last - I told her it would be fine and I think I believed it, but perhaps not. September last year, I had about 5% of my intestine removed and since then I've been pretty healthy, though still working on the slipped disc. And in January, our little girl arrived.

In the scheme of things, she's wonderfully behaved. She barely cries, she drinks her milk, ***** regularly, etc, and I am hugely attached to her, but when I have her I just don't know what to do with her. And while my wife looks after her virtually 24/7, my wife is socialising more than she ever did. I feel a bit like I'm looking into a tunnel in which I get up very early, sit with the baby and drink coffee, go to work, get home and look after her/put her to bed, then lay on the sofa and do it all the next day.

Sorry, this is all a big vent, but I've also had enough of my job. I'm wondering if I've had some sort of apathetic/bored burnout, combined with a lack of stress at work that has made me just feel ****. Looking into therapy because I can't be apathetic towards my baby. It's not right. When I think about it, maybe I've just needed a real break to get my **** together, rather than being on this baby/illness treadmill for so long.

all i can say is stick with it. i didnt think things really got interesting until my lad got old enough to do "stuff" with and you are a few years off that yet.

it does get easier. that 1st year is brutal, your main job is to keep the child safe, fed and warm etc and ultimately just get through it. (oh and support your mrs as well its even harder for her esp if breast feeding)