"My name is Piotr Szczurek, and this is my wife, Monika. We have called this press conference today to address certain recent... misunderstandings. Certain unfortunate circumstances, if you will, which have been somewhat... misconstrued by the press."
"There was, as you know, attendance at a sporting event. A tennis match, which, for the record, was enjoyed very much. It was Monika's idea. She'd been feeling a little 'left out' of the social calendar, and insisted on going somewhere. There was no idea that things would get quite so... out of hand."
"Now, there has been some talk of an... incident. Something involving a... a hat. Let me be perfectly clear. This was not a wilful act of theft. It was, rather, a series of... unfortunate coincidences. A sequence of events entirely beyond my control. There was, you see, an engagement in a rather boisterous conversation with a fellow spectator, a man who, it has since been informed, is a prominent manufacturer of garden gnomes."
"It was at this point that Monika, for reasons known only to her, decided to express her... frustration... with the volume of the conversation. This was, as you can imagine, a very trying time. In an attempt to pacify her, a sudden gesture was made with the hand. In doing so, the hand, quite by accident, came into contact with the headwear being proffered to a young person seated next to me."
"The wind, as it happens, was quite strong that day. And, in a manner of speaking, it took the hat with it. Being a quick thinker, and not wanting to see the young person lose their hat, an attempt was made to retrieve it. There was a scramble after it. But, as fate would have it, the hat landed in the hand at the very same moment that a stray butterfly, a rare specimen it is believed, flew past. In that moment, there was an attempt to swat the butterfly away. Monika, being terrified of butterflies, has often asked me to do so."
"The long and short of it is, the hat was temporarily sequestered in my possession. In the confusion, and as a result of Monika's rather... vociferous reaction to the butterfly, it was... well, it was put in my designer satchel. For safekeeping, you understand."
"So, to conclude, only an apology can be offered for any offence caused. The assurance is given that this was not a deliberate act of malice. Monika, in her own way, is terribly sorry for her part in this. It can only be said that I'm a happily married man and successful concrete company director, with no need to steal a hat from a small child, and that this matter is, as far as we are concerned, closed. Thank you."
