Carp joke time

[moawan]

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

 

['Wes]

Liverpool have made a bid for Rooney after he said he wanted to play in a different league next season.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

A Canadian man walks into a bar and places an item of footwear on the bar stool next to him.

Barman says "Whats this, a boot?"

oh my lulz!

 

[Vonhelmet]

Lot of people been reading the Metro this morning?

 

[Badboy2k3]

Hmm.

Why did the sperm cross the road?


Cause I put the wrong socks on today.

LMAOOO

Was telling my mate this joke as he was sat next to me....little did i know one of our managers was stood directly behind me....FAILL

 

[BananaDunka]

We need someone that can get a Mac10 in 3 minutes so the Op can be shot y0!

 

[Six6siX]

What did the farmer say when he caught the brown chicken and the brown cow in the barn kissing?

"Brown chicken, brown cow"

 

[thepeganator]

Awful OP, rescued by the multitude of fish jokes

 

[Six6siX]

Last one from me, though I probably should have quit while I was ahead...



A man walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say,

"You look nice today!"

A few minutes later he hears a small voice again this time saying,

"That's a nice shirt!"

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are just the peanuts, they're complimentary!"

 

[Vonhelmet]

Last one from me, though I probably should have quit while I was ahead...



A man walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say,

"You look nice today!"

A few minutes later he hears a small voice again this time saying,

"That's a nice shirt!"

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are just the peanuts, they're complimentary!"

Later on, the man went to the toilets, and while he was in there he could hear a voice shouting "YOU UGLY *******!" at him, along with all manner of other insults. He went and asked the barman about it, who said "Oh, the condom machine is out of order."

 

[Six6siX]

Later on, the man went to the toilets, and while he was in there he could hear a voice shouting "YOU UGLY *******!" at him, along with all manner of other insults. He went and asked the barman about it, who said "Oh, the condom machine is out of order."

Hahaha, excellent

 

[Bunka]

Hahaha, excellent

 

[matt_fsr]

So there's this guy wandering around in the desert.... and his name is Nate...










*do i need to go on?

 

[thepeganator]

So there's this guy wandering around in the desert.... and his name is Nate...










*do i need to go on?

I'm confused?
Please explain?











*Please don't!
That took a large chunk of my life away frst time!

 

[spoogle]

I feel like an idiot, I'm laughed at quite a few of these, and none of them are good!

 

[Mojo]

Did you hear the one about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack...


What is a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?

Humpme Dumpme!


Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?

They hope to find a tight seal...

 

[Harvey616]

Some funny Jokes in here

Mojo. those were great.

 

[GWillow]

I was driving past Old Trafford last week and found a Manchester United season ticket nailed to a post, so I took it. Well, you can never have too many nails, can you?

 

[FatBoyObese]

What is the fastest fish in the sea?
Go-carp.

 

[Nash]

I had a joke about a suicide cult but the punchline was too long.

I don't get it. Is it to do with queueing for the poisoned punch?