The OcUK Relationship Counselling and Hugs Thread

^^ it's not true until there has been time apart, if distance does not make the heart grow fonder then yeah, dead as a dodo.

Even then after years apart both people could change into different people who fall in love again, just don't hold your breath!
 
You probably do no favours by smothering her in love and attention. Make her feel like she wants you. Not saying be brutal and ignore her but give her space and in that time of giving her space, take some space yourself. Don't pine on her, go out and do things with your life that make her a little jealous shes not in it with you, and allow her to feel she will be losing out if she breaks away completely.
 
Jonnybmac said:
You probably do no favours by smothering her in love and attention. Make her feel like she wants you. Not saying be brutal and ignore her but give her space and in that time of giving her space, take some space yourself. Don't pine on her, go out and do things with your life that make her a little jealous shes not in it with you, and allow her to feel she will be losing out if she breaks away completely.
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Can't say that sounds a terribly mature/healthy way to act to me...
With regards to smothering, it's more like we're 2 people living separate lives in the same house sometimes. With work and nights out with friends/hobbies we probably spend 2 nights a week together.
And with hobbies etc, we've tried finding a mutual hobby, but she's not really a people person, very introverted and doesn't make friends easily
 
GiraffePencils said:
Can't say that sounds a terribly mature/healthy way to act to me...
With regards to smothering, it's more like we're 2 people living separate lives in the same house sometimes. With work and nights out with friends/hobbies we probably spend 2 nights a week together.
And with hobbies etc, we've tried finding a mutual hobby, but she's not really a people person, very introverted and doesn't make friends easily
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Not sure why that would be immature? What I'm saying is go live your life and enjoy it and focus your attention in yourself. Maybe you picked up on the part where I said to make her a little jealous, but I didn't mean to make that your priority, just let it come naturally by you actually enjoying your life and having fun with yourself.

Maybe you are just two different people and in time maybe you will both realise that and be better for it then. A relationship without intimacy is pretty much emotional torture in my eyes. I have a friend who has to do things for bookie tokens and still doesn't end up getting any... could never see myself in that sort of relationship long term.
 
I suppose I was focusing on the jealous bit probably, sorry to take you the wrong way.
It wasn't like we were never intimate, just not as often as I would have liked, and mainly she said when we did it was more an obligation she felt she was 'dutifully doing' not that she didn't enjoy it, but it never was something she'd suggest.
Finding out that I have to say soured things for me, I don't want to live like that.
That brings us to were we are now
 
Yeah, not very nice to hear your partner saying they only have sex because they feel like that have to - would make me feel kinda seedy and like a rapist everytime we did it knowing she isn't really into it.

It's the one thing I probably miss most with my ex was our sex life was immense. Had a box full of love honey toys :D
 
Roar87 said:
I'll tell you now, once a woman reaches the point that she doesn't feel anything for you, the relationship is stone cold dead. You can spend money on relationship counselling or sit down and talk about it, but as far as she's concerned she's no longer attracted to you. There's nothing there. You can't talk someone into being attracted to you and having feelings.
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I'll tell you now this isn't always the case. Relationships can be built back up it does sometimes just take time. It depends on the two people involved.
 
mrbell1984 said:
All lust no love :p
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Believe me I love(ed) her. I've been chatting to someone for around 3 weeks now, and even though our talks have been great I can't take the plunge in meeting up with because I know I'm still not completely over my ex and think about her daily, it doesn't feel right to meet someone else yet and it wouldn't be fair on her despite the fact my ex moved onto someone else 6+ weeks ago.

I know what love is, it's a shame others find it easier to quickly move on! I know I'm probably acting like a lil girl :p
 
Jonnybmac said:
Believe me I love(ed) her. I've been chatting to someone for around 3 weeks now, and even though our talks have been great I can't take the plunge in meeting up with because I know I'm still not completely over my ex and think about her daily, it doesn't feel right to meet someone else yet and it wouldn't be fair on her despite the fact my ex moved onto someone else 6+ weeks ago.

I know what love is, it's a shame others find it easier to quickly move on! I know I'm probably acting like a lil girl :p
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You'll forget about your ex more quickly if you start making new memories with someone else.
 
Steampunk said:
You'll forget about your ex more quickly if you start making new memories with someone else.
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I agree, but that isn't fair on that person for me to use her as a reason to forget an ex. Maybe it would work maybe she would just be a rebound. Also, if it did kick off I'm not sure I could handle the pace and be ready for all the dating and effort that has to go into it :eek:

She is very intelligent too. She has a PhD which is far above my intellect; currently studying a BEng at the moment so that also worries me in dating someone who is far smarter than I am. My ex was pretty intelligent and had a memory like an elephant so used to always run rings round me if we ever had a disagreement.
 
@GiraffePencils
There's some truth in the saying that "attraction isn't a choice" -but moreso an emotional (chemical) reaction. Which might suggest anything which changes her emotional response in a way that helps you both is useful. Do you text each other?

Btw she is looking to you for leadership, which I think you realise. A promise of marriage that doesn't eventuate (when the peak of female physical beauty has passed) - isn't that one of the female definitions of a "wasted life"? You can easily reverse the effect of your earlier (apparent) abandonment statement of 'find someone else' by asking her if she has succeeded yet, then saying "good, I knew you weren't that stupid. I was just *testing* you" and smiling. You darn fox you. Of course, you can send a msg like that by text, properly giving her no time to reply. Your standards are not negotiable. Have you told her how long you need her body for yet? "I will be needing the use of your body for the next 40 years... " etc. Then properly unfairly switch on her sex chemistry (a reminder method is available, but postable here?). Are you willing to delegate the wedding plans to her as your 2IC?
 
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mcast said:
3 weeks ago I met this girl internet dating and i'm basically head over heels about her. She just seems to want to have fun and instantly shuts me down if I talk about feelings. So it's kind of like a guys dream, booty call, with no commitment. I have tried talking about it, she said she walk out the door if I bring it up.

My current thinking is there's something about me she's not into long term. Yes, I seem to have turned into a bird with this girl :rolleyes:
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Happy ending to this one, we're now in a relationship. I've still got no idea why she started as an ice queen, I told her I almost walked away due to her zero emotions. The one thing I've learned from this, as Roar87 said, her body language told the story, not what she was saying, she's really into me.

Basically, don't listen to women :p
 
tamzzy said:
that's a one-way ticket to the sex offenders register if she says no and you carry on :p
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Yes, women are touchy. Whatever you do, don't rub gently, insistently circle with your fingertip, don't talk about or text about where touch becomes heat, or how. Say instead she doesn't want touched there, again, that way, that she doesn't like it, never did, that she should stop thinking about it. Shower first.

Agreement is important.
 
ChrisD. said:
There’s a woman I met at a rugby game a few years ago and then again the year after, been chatting a lot recently and video calls etc. Going on an all day ‘meet’ in London next month, quite looking forward to it. Science museum followed by some bars and then a meal out. There hasn’t been a label put on it, so I actually don’t know if it’s an official date or what not, but I’m looking forward to it. I guess it’s a date, I asked her if she fancied meeting on a video chat and she said yes.
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This is happening tomorrow now, I'm rather nervous. Every time she leaves me a voice message I'm expecting her to say she's having to cancel etc. But she left me one yesterday saying she's really excited about meeting me again and spending the day together.
 
ChrisD. said:
This is happening tomorrow now, I'm rather nervous. Every time she leaves me a voice message I'm expecting her to say she's having to cancel etc. But she left me one yesterday saying she's really excited about meeting me again and spending the day together.
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Good vibes then.
 
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