I am gonna empty myself on an internet board because absolutely none of my current friends are of any help to me. I try to talk to them about stuff but most of them don't have a clue what to say in to me.
Warning: This is almost 4500 words long, I had no idea I was going to go on like this. If only I could write essays this easily
Right, up till I was 16 I was a normal happy teenager, much more happy than teenagers have any right to be.
About 6 months before I turned 17 (2003) I noticed my dad begining to act odd, I'd go into the study and hed quickly close all the windows on his pc, which he never used to do. One day he had a problem with his outlook, and at the time I was fixing it I noticed he had emails from someone called Allison. So whilst he was out of the room making some tea I had a look at one of them and found out that he was having an affair. I didn't know what to do so I just kept quiet and stayed away from him. A couple of months later my older sister, who was worried, checked his emails and showed them to my mum. Cue days of blazing rows and my dad saying that they were only friends. I don't know why she did but my mum believed him, but after that point I just couldn't stand to look at him.
Forward to a week after my 17th, the day before I get my AS results. I am carrying some stuff up the stairs and hear my mum on the phone crying. My dad has told her he doesn't love her any more and is going to move in with this Allison. A few days later my dad decides otherwise and my mum decides to give him another chance. Now forward to the begining of december and my dad has really been trying to be a family man again, I cannot remember him ever trying that hard. But the damage has already been done, because he had blazing rows with my sister over finding the emails and my dad isn't talking to me because I have been defending my sister. My mum and dad decide to go to New York for a week to get away from everything.
The day they come back I am cycling home from school and I stop at the top of the road to my grandparents house for no reason (my nan is away and my grandad is on his own). I sit there for 5 minutes contemplating going round because I have a very bad feeling, but assume its to do with my parents even though I know they are home safe. I go home and have a bad feeling all day, my mum tries to phone my grandad several times to tell him that she was home safe. Eventually after not answering for some time she goes round and finds out that he has passed away and is sitting on the garden step. Postmortem later discovers he died of a heart attack at some point in the afternoon, my dad saw him at about 12:30. To this day I wonder if things would have been different if I had gone round but I can't really change the past.
Anyway that hit me like a punch in the face because for several years my grandad had been like my dad, whereas my dad was more concerned with trying to be my friend. Like the rest of the family I got depressed and my school work suffered as a result. My dad felt resentment towards all of us because of how much we cared, and he didn't think we cared about him at all.
In february my mum announced that she had decided to divorce my dad, I was down about it for a bit but then I sort of felt relieved.
The next month I was home and had a mate round when my mum got home and announced that my little sister had tried to commit suicide by taking around 30 paracetamol tablets. We knew she was unhappy and had been harming herself and had tried to get her to see someone but up to that point had no luck.
Not much changed for quite sometime until february of the next year (2005). My dad and I seemed to have reconciled our relationship after a lot of trouble and I can actually remember starting to feel happy again. However, I was in the cellar dancing and singing whilst getting a coke when the phone rang. It just kept ringing and no one answered it, I swear I got to it just as they were about to give up, and selfish as this sounds I kind of wish that they had.
I was greeted by a voice I had never heard before asking to speak to me by name, and I assumed it was a telemarketer. However she then told me that my best friends brother had died and could I come round as soon as possible? I did what any friend would do and got round there as fast as my mum could drive. I met my mate outside of the house, him and his mum had only been home from ireland for 20 minutes (The brother had been alone for 4 days). We spoke outside for about 30 minutes about cars, the weather etc anything really but the reason I was standing in his garden at 9pm on a freezing cold night. Eventually he said that we better go inside. We walked into the kitchen to be surrounded by police officers, and the next thing i saw is implanted on my memory and I think I could probably draw it precisely. On the kitchen table was an empty can of beer, a half eaten curry, 4 pieces of paper and a load of empty boxes as well as a dozen or so syringes. The papers were the 4 notes he left his family, one each, and the syringes were about a months supply of his insulin. It was at that moment I realised the horror of what had happened. My friend found his piece of paper and read it, but the police officers required it as evidence so he couldn't keep it for around a month. He managed to read some of it to me, I don't remember what a lot of it said but the last line was just chilling. He'd written 'I'll always be there looking out for you, remember I will always be your big brother'. As he said it I could see my friend literally break apart in front of my and there was nothing I could do, I have never felt so useless in all my life. After a while we went home and tbh I was just numb, because although I didn't know the guy well I thought he was a top bloke, and had been out with him the week before and he seemed happy enough.
Well after that as you can imagine I wasn't at the greatest point in my life, and for about 8 months after that my friend would send me almost suicidal messages whenever he had had a few, which obviously worried me sick, and I went to stay with him when they started getting quite bad.
I was so distracted by all of this stuff going on round me that I was in a bit of a daze most of the time, and as a result got involved in a small car accident in a car park. I can't really remember what happened but it ended up as 50/50 and stressed me out for a bit.
After this point my relationship with my dad got terrible, the divorce had finally come through and my mum was looking for a house. He was constantly telling me I was a bad person and I'd never amount to anything, he tried to goad me into physically fighting him on several occasions, but I managed to restrain myself and each time just walk away.
I took solice in my friends at work, more particularly just one lady who was hilarious, she was a constant humerous light in my life and we would talk about the most inane things. I was pretty much banking on moving out as soon as possible and using my friends to help keep me sane until then.
However, one day my workmate announced she was leaving, the house deal appeared to have fallen through, I hated my job for being so utterly boring, I didn't want to go to uni in september and I just couldn't see where my life was going. She left in the middle of may, at at that point I was considering just walking out of my job and taking the money I had saved up and going round the world just to escape everything.
However, one day I was on ebay looking for some car parts and saw something that caught my eye. 1997 Rover Coupe VVC £1200. I spent a week contemplating it and then put a bid in in the dying seconds of the auction to win it. Obviously I was now going to have to work one more month to make the money back and I decided to go to uni again. I maintain that despite what some people may think that car is possibly the best thing I have ever bought, somehow just sitting in it makes me feel better again (Which is why I ruled out getting rid and buying something else when the Head gasket blew, that along with the cool number plate that spells Indy and makes me feel like I'm raiding a lost ark).
Because I was working that extra month to pay for my car I met a temp, who breezed into our department one day to assist me and my 2 coworkers up until the department moved away and I left at the begining of spetember. It took me about 30 seconds to fall for her. Slight problem, she was a few years older than me and had a boyfriend. I reasoned that the age difference was not really a major issue, however the boyfriend was. We became very good friends very quickly, and it was like I'd known her forever. We would talk to each other about stuff that I would usually have only felt comfortable saying in an anonymous environment. We start getting quite close, and I was quite upset to have a week off at the begining of august for my birthday (The week after the family moved out from my dad). We sent each other a few emails during the week and then on my birthday my friends at work called me up and sung happy birthday. She asked to be put on to me and told me that she really missed not being able to see me every day because I pushed all the right buttons for her. Obviously I cannot leave that sort of comment alone, so I come in at the end of the day (happened to be the friday) and everyone went down the pub. After a couple of hours we both left and as I said a casual goodbye outside she grabbed me and went to hug me. Except she didn't, she had actually gone to kiss me, whereas I thought she just wanted a hug (we weren't drunk we'd had coke), as I realised I went to kiss her and at that moment our boss drove past and caught us. Cue us looking like naughty school children, and we ended up just hugging.
Since she had gone away at the weekend I didn't try to see her even though I wanted to, so the next time I saw her was on monday at work. We had a blinder of a day, she was practically on my lap the whole time, had a nice quiet lunch together but she was feeling a little ill so I didn't press her to come for a drink, plus there was still the whole boyfriend issue, although by this point she had confided in me she wasn't sure about him any more and didn't really want to move round the world for him (Did I forget to mention he was an aussie and all this time was in australia whilst she tried to get a visa?). I got a phonecall as soon as I got home, apparently she'd had a minor car accident and she was in tears, obviously I offered to go round and help but she said she'd be ok, she then proceeded to go into great detail about how she was sunbathing naked to try and get a full body tan, and being quite dirty as well. For the next week or so we had a lot of 'moments' where we got very close to just jumping on each other, but I was determined not to be the guy on the side. Primarily because I was completely in love with her, for the first time in about 2 years nothing else mattered and I was truly happy, my friends were all relieved even my mum noticed how much I had suddenly perked up.
Then it all went slightly pear shaped. We were all going out to a bar for a works do, which required a train journey. On the train with a few of my friends from work one of my mates said semi seriously that she better not mess me around because it wasn't fair, to which she responded 'No offense but I'll never go out with you'. We got off the train with me feeling like I'd been slapped in the face, and my friends went into a shop to look around whilst she stayed outside with me. At this point she turned to me and said 'Don't worry about what I said on the train, it was just for their benefit. Do you want to go somewhere just the two of us?' At this point I'm a little dumbstruck, but before I get the chance to answer she says it would probably be better if we didn't today but went out at the weekend. Later on during the evening we kissed in full view of everyone and although my memory is very hazy due to drink I sort of remember us saying how much we liked each other (She wasn't that drunk, certainly sober enough to know what she was doing unlike me). Next day shes all over me, and it continues like this until the end of august.
Its now the departmental moving date and we have a 3 day bender planned, but one of her friends from down under is coming (who knows the apparent boyfriend who she randomly tells me she doesn't really want any more) so I'm feeling a bit down. The first night she seems to be trying to stay away from me because she doesn't want this girl to know that anythings happening between us. Next day is a different story, we are in the pub all day and the friend is there, by the end of the evening shes pretty much given up trying to hide anything and is playing with me in front of everybody, she then drags me off to a club with a guy and her friend, who although they hardly know us think we are now together. The next day we have a trip to brighton with the works people, and at the end of the day she tells me in front of everyone that 'I am her man'. There are actually some quite good photos of us staringly dopily at each other like love struck puppies that were taken that day. She starts making plans about what we are going to do now we no longer work together and how we are going to see each other. She says shes going to come round with a few dvds as well as some cds I apparently need to hear.
At this point I have a week left, and I am on cloud 9, you could have shot me full of lead and I'd have been smiling. I came into work on the monday and one of my friends who was there the day before burst into tears because she was so happy that we finally seemed to be getting together. We called each other all week but because of various commitments we didn't have a chance to see each other until thursday when I called her for lunch. She came out and revealed that the visa she'd applied for when I first met her had been denied, I didn't know how to respond until she said she didn't think it was right and didn't seem too bothered about it. The next day was my leaving do which she came to, but because of burnout we didn't stay too long. I was out with my friends later and she called me up and asked what I was up to, told me how great I was and how I always knew what to say to make her happy and how funny I was and how her mum laughed at my jokes and liked the sound of me. I think score, her mum knows now finally we can be properly open and actually start going out. Only problem is shes going to see some friends in scotland the next week so I won't get to see her for a while. This is when it starts going horribly horribly wrong.
I send her a few messages and she doesn't respond, once shes got back I try calling her but I don't get an answer or a callback. The next time I see her is at another friends leaving do at the end of the month. Initially she seems really awkward around me, and admits to being sorry for ignoring me. We agree to go out the next week and shes gonna call me. By the end of the evening everyones at an indian and we are in each others arms again making plans to do lots of stuff together. Obviously she never calls. This happens a few more times, but intersperced are times when I get through to her and we do go out, but more often than not she says she'll call me and doesn't. Obviously I am pretty low at this point. But then I call her up a couple of times and we chat for a bit and decide to meet up for a drink. This time she tells me she misses me, and she is sorry for ignoring me she really really likes me and wants me to call her to sort something out for next week. I try calling her house and mobile phones several times, no answer from the mobile and her mum is very apologetic down the landline, probably because shes been told to get rid of me. She sends me an email full of jokes the next week, so I send her a text message telling her that she can't keep playing with me any more because its not fair.
She never responds to this message and now I feel like scum. For the first time in a long time I had felt happy, and I had opened up to someone who said they felt the same way, and I felt like I was smacked by a bus. When friends of mine insult me, or mess me about abit it doesn't bother me too much, because I put on a bit of a front with them, so its not really me they are rejecting its this make believe charecter I have invented because its easier than dealing with the world. But with her I was just myself, so being rejected like that really hurt me. As a result I did what any self respecting wimp would do, I went and got plastered in the uni bar. Except I didn't want to be sober any more and the next time I was sober enough to drive I went and bought a crap load of alcohol. I then proceeded to become severely drunk most of the time, only sobering up long enough to go to lectures.
Several weeks went by when one day I was sat in the uni bar having a coffee trying to work out what the hell I was doing with myself when a stunningly beautiful girl asked me if I wanted some free stuff. She just smiled at me and I felt better. We had a brief chat and found out that we lived in the same direction and at the end of the day I found she was waiting for me so we could go home together.
Up until christmas we started getting really close, she would skip on her friends to talk to me and we'd have a great time. I was still a little burned so I was taking it slowly. Over the christmas period we were emailing every day, sometimes more than that. So on the 23rd of december I asked her out (On the advice of 2 guys in a pub who said she wouldn't wait forever). At that pont she said she was really sorry but she was really busy and didn't have any time to. I knew she was a total workaholic and with it being christmas I didn't have any reason to disbelieve her. After this she was still constantly emailing as well as texting so with a bit of advice from the guys on here I decided to wait until we were back at uni before trying again. Except when we got back she was completely different, randomly ignoring me and just walking off in the middle of conversations. She pretended not to know me that well when she was around her friends, so I think they thought I was a stalker or something. I found out that our relationship had made this guy friend of hers really jealous and he'd told her he was in love with her and she was now confused over what to do.
I made the choice for her and decided that I had been treated badly enough last time so I stopped talking to her, and tried to avoid her where possible. This produced the immediate effect of her following me around and trying to basically right what had happened. They always say that if you treat them mean and they come back then they really like you. In reality she was trying to keep on my good side because she seems to view me as a sort of backup in case everything goes wrong for her.
The final straw came on monday when it was her birthday. I wasn't going to go into uni because its very difficult without a car (and mines broken) but because she had made a big deal of it, as well as because she almost came out with me the week before (had a good excuse to cancel, although I think now that it was probably calculated to be like that) I made the effort to get in to see her. As I was on my way in I realised that I would be quite late and might not get to see her until later on because I had a tutorial to go to I decided to send her a message wishing her happy birthday with the intention of giving her a card when I saw her.
As it turned out I saw her about 4 times before my tutorial, where she walked past me and gave me dirty looks like I was scum (Not me being paranoid, all my friends asked me what I'd done to upset her). She dissapeared after that and I couldn't find her which left me wishing I hadn't got out of bed that day. I saw her on thursday and she was acting like nothing had happened, but obviously I was not in the mood to play her games any more and by the end of the day we were barely talking to each other. I felt bad about it and sent her a message as a sort of olive branch, and we texted each other for a bit that night. But my friends have made me see sense with regards to her using me as a backup plan.
It just seems like everything has been going wrong for me in the last 2 years, and despite my best efforts I can't seem to turn things around for myself. Now I feel like everything that has happened has just crept up on me again and I don't know what to do any more. In a fit of desperation last week I sent off a quick email to Girl 1 just asking how she was etc because I just felt like I hadn't been happy for any period of time since I last saw her and was feeling a bit weak. Not entirely without provocation since she decided to send me pictures of David Hasslehoff on valentines day. She hasn't responded, which I am not sure if I am happy or sad about. My dad and I still don't have the best relationship, he pretends nothing is wrong when I see him, but theres tension there. He also upset both me and my little sister by only asking my older sister to go skiing with him and his brothers family, and he'll only ever call me when his computers broken. I did go to see him once but he made me feel totally unwelcome plus when he talks to me its like hes talking to the guy at the bank down the phone, complete with business talk and everything.
I wonder if part of the problem is that my little VVC is broken, and that has been the outlet for my frustration for so long, its like having a faithful friend. When I used to get really down I'd jump in my baby and drive to the middle of nowhere, my friends liked it because I drove them places but I just enjoyed the journey.
Bah what can I do to make things better? I feel so down most of the time its unbelievable.
Warning: This is almost 4500 words long, I had no idea I was going to go on like this. If only I could write essays this easily
Right, up till I was 16 I was a normal happy teenager, much more happy than teenagers have any right to be.
About 6 months before I turned 17 (2003) I noticed my dad begining to act odd, I'd go into the study and hed quickly close all the windows on his pc, which he never used to do. One day he had a problem with his outlook, and at the time I was fixing it I noticed he had emails from someone called Allison. So whilst he was out of the room making some tea I had a look at one of them and found out that he was having an affair. I didn't know what to do so I just kept quiet and stayed away from him. A couple of months later my older sister, who was worried, checked his emails and showed them to my mum. Cue days of blazing rows and my dad saying that they were only friends. I don't know why she did but my mum believed him, but after that point I just couldn't stand to look at him.
Forward to a week after my 17th, the day before I get my AS results. I am carrying some stuff up the stairs and hear my mum on the phone crying. My dad has told her he doesn't love her any more and is going to move in with this Allison. A few days later my dad decides otherwise and my mum decides to give him another chance. Now forward to the begining of december and my dad has really been trying to be a family man again, I cannot remember him ever trying that hard. But the damage has already been done, because he had blazing rows with my sister over finding the emails and my dad isn't talking to me because I have been defending my sister. My mum and dad decide to go to New York for a week to get away from everything.
The day they come back I am cycling home from school and I stop at the top of the road to my grandparents house for no reason (my nan is away and my grandad is on his own). I sit there for 5 minutes contemplating going round because I have a very bad feeling, but assume its to do with my parents even though I know they are home safe. I go home and have a bad feeling all day, my mum tries to phone my grandad several times to tell him that she was home safe. Eventually after not answering for some time she goes round and finds out that he has passed away and is sitting on the garden step. Postmortem later discovers he died of a heart attack at some point in the afternoon, my dad saw him at about 12:30. To this day I wonder if things would have been different if I had gone round but I can't really change the past.
Anyway that hit me like a punch in the face because for several years my grandad had been like my dad, whereas my dad was more concerned with trying to be my friend. Like the rest of the family I got depressed and my school work suffered as a result. My dad felt resentment towards all of us because of how much we cared, and he didn't think we cared about him at all.
In february my mum announced that she had decided to divorce my dad, I was down about it for a bit but then I sort of felt relieved.
The next month I was home and had a mate round when my mum got home and announced that my little sister had tried to commit suicide by taking around 30 paracetamol tablets. We knew she was unhappy and had been harming herself and had tried to get her to see someone but up to that point had no luck.
Not much changed for quite sometime until february of the next year (2005). My dad and I seemed to have reconciled our relationship after a lot of trouble and I can actually remember starting to feel happy again. However, I was in the cellar dancing and singing whilst getting a coke when the phone rang. It just kept ringing and no one answered it, I swear I got to it just as they were about to give up, and selfish as this sounds I kind of wish that they had.
I was greeted by a voice I had never heard before asking to speak to me by name, and I assumed it was a telemarketer. However she then told me that my best friends brother had died and could I come round as soon as possible? I did what any friend would do and got round there as fast as my mum could drive. I met my mate outside of the house, him and his mum had only been home from ireland for 20 minutes (The brother had been alone for 4 days). We spoke outside for about 30 minutes about cars, the weather etc anything really but the reason I was standing in his garden at 9pm on a freezing cold night. Eventually he said that we better go inside. We walked into the kitchen to be surrounded by police officers, and the next thing i saw is implanted on my memory and I think I could probably draw it precisely. On the kitchen table was an empty can of beer, a half eaten curry, 4 pieces of paper and a load of empty boxes as well as a dozen or so syringes. The papers were the 4 notes he left his family, one each, and the syringes were about a months supply of his insulin. It was at that moment I realised the horror of what had happened. My friend found his piece of paper and read it, but the police officers required it as evidence so he couldn't keep it for around a month. He managed to read some of it to me, I don't remember what a lot of it said but the last line was just chilling. He'd written 'I'll always be there looking out for you, remember I will always be your big brother'. As he said it I could see my friend literally break apart in front of my and there was nothing I could do, I have never felt so useless in all my life. After a while we went home and tbh I was just numb, because although I didn't know the guy well I thought he was a top bloke, and had been out with him the week before and he seemed happy enough.
Well after that as you can imagine I wasn't at the greatest point in my life, and for about 8 months after that my friend would send me almost suicidal messages whenever he had had a few, which obviously worried me sick, and I went to stay with him when they started getting quite bad.
I was so distracted by all of this stuff going on round me that I was in a bit of a daze most of the time, and as a result got involved in a small car accident in a car park. I can't really remember what happened but it ended up as 50/50 and stressed me out for a bit.
After this point my relationship with my dad got terrible, the divorce had finally come through and my mum was looking for a house. He was constantly telling me I was a bad person and I'd never amount to anything, he tried to goad me into physically fighting him on several occasions, but I managed to restrain myself and each time just walk away.
I took solice in my friends at work, more particularly just one lady who was hilarious, she was a constant humerous light in my life and we would talk about the most inane things. I was pretty much banking on moving out as soon as possible and using my friends to help keep me sane until then.
However, one day my workmate announced she was leaving, the house deal appeared to have fallen through, I hated my job for being so utterly boring, I didn't want to go to uni in september and I just couldn't see where my life was going. She left in the middle of may, at at that point I was considering just walking out of my job and taking the money I had saved up and going round the world just to escape everything.
However, one day I was on ebay looking for some car parts and saw something that caught my eye. 1997 Rover Coupe VVC £1200. I spent a week contemplating it and then put a bid in in the dying seconds of the auction to win it. Obviously I was now going to have to work one more month to make the money back and I decided to go to uni again. I maintain that despite what some people may think that car is possibly the best thing I have ever bought, somehow just sitting in it makes me feel better again (Which is why I ruled out getting rid and buying something else when the Head gasket blew, that along with the cool number plate that spells Indy and makes me feel like I'm raiding a lost ark).
Because I was working that extra month to pay for my car I met a temp, who breezed into our department one day to assist me and my 2 coworkers up until the department moved away and I left at the begining of spetember. It took me about 30 seconds to fall for her. Slight problem, she was a few years older than me and had a boyfriend. I reasoned that the age difference was not really a major issue, however the boyfriend was. We became very good friends very quickly, and it was like I'd known her forever. We would talk to each other about stuff that I would usually have only felt comfortable saying in an anonymous environment. We start getting quite close, and I was quite upset to have a week off at the begining of august for my birthday (The week after the family moved out from my dad). We sent each other a few emails during the week and then on my birthday my friends at work called me up and sung happy birthday. She asked to be put on to me and told me that she really missed not being able to see me every day because I pushed all the right buttons for her. Obviously I cannot leave that sort of comment alone, so I come in at the end of the day (happened to be the friday) and everyone went down the pub. After a couple of hours we both left and as I said a casual goodbye outside she grabbed me and went to hug me. Except she didn't, she had actually gone to kiss me, whereas I thought she just wanted a hug (we weren't drunk we'd had coke), as I realised I went to kiss her and at that moment our boss drove past and caught us. Cue us looking like naughty school children, and we ended up just hugging.
Since she had gone away at the weekend I didn't try to see her even though I wanted to, so the next time I saw her was on monday at work. We had a blinder of a day, she was practically on my lap the whole time, had a nice quiet lunch together but she was feeling a little ill so I didn't press her to come for a drink, plus there was still the whole boyfriend issue, although by this point she had confided in me she wasn't sure about him any more and didn't really want to move round the world for him (Did I forget to mention he was an aussie and all this time was in australia whilst she tried to get a visa?). I got a phonecall as soon as I got home, apparently she'd had a minor car accident and she was in tears, obviously I offered to go round and help but she said she'd be ok, she then proceeded to go into great detail about how she was sunbathing naked to try and get a full body tan, and being quite dirty as well. For the next week or so we had a lot of 'moments' where we got very close to just jumping on each other, but I was determined not to be the guy on the side. Primarily because I was completely in love with her, for the first time in about 2 years nothing else mattered and I was truly happy, my friends were all relieved even my mum noticed how much I had suddenly perked up.
Then it all went slightly pear shaped. We were all going out to a bar for a works do, which required a train journey. On the train with a few of my friends from work one of my mates said semi seriously that she better not mess me around because it wasn't fair, to which she responded 'No offense but I'll never go out with you'. We got off the train with me feeling like I'd been slapped in the face, and my friends went into a shop to look around whilst she stayed outside with me. At this point she turned to me and said 'Don't worry about what I said on the train, it was just for their benefit. Do you want to go somewhere just the two of us?' At this point I'm a little dumbstruck, but before I get the chance to answer she says it would probably be better if we didn't today but went out at the weekend. Later on during the evening we kissed in full view of everyone and although my memory is very hazy due to drink I sort of remember us saying how much we liked each other (She wasn't that drunk, certainly sober enough to know what she was doing unlike me). Next day shes all over me, and it continues like this until the end of august.
Its now the departmental moving date and we have a 3 day bender planned, but one of her friends from down under is coming (who knows the apparent boyfriend who she randomly tells me she doesn't really want any more) so I'm feeling a bit down. The first night she seems to be trying to stay away from me because she doesn't want this girl to know that anythings happening between us. Next day is a different story, we are in the pub all day and the friend is there, by the end of the evening shes pretty much given up trying to hide anything and is playing with me in front of everybody, she then drags me off to a club with a guy and her friend, who although they hardly know us think we are now together. The next day we have a trip to brighton with the works people, and at the end of the day she tells me in front of everyone that 'I am her man'. There are actually some quite good photos of us staringly dopily at each other like love struck puppies that were taken that day. She starts making plans about what we are going to do now we no longer work together and how we are going to see each other. She says shes going to come round with a few dvds as well as some cds I apparently need to hear.
At this point I have a week left, and I am on cloud 9, you could have shot me full of lead and I'd have been smiling. I came into work on the monday and one of my friends who was there the day before burst into tears because she was so happy that we finally seemed to be getting together. We called each other all week but because of various commitments we didn't have a chance to see each other until thursday when I called her for lunch. She came out and revealed that the visa she'd applied for when I first met her had been denied, I didn't know how to respond until she said she didn't think it was right and didn't seem too bothered about it. The next day was my leaving do which she came to, but because of burnout we didn't stay too long. I was out with my friends later and she called me up and asked what I was up to, told me how great I was and how I always knew what to say to make her happy and how funny I was and how her mum laughed at my jokes and liked the sound of me. I think score, her mum knows now finally we can be properly open and actually start going out. Only problem is shes going to see some friends in scotland the next week so I won't get to see her for a while. This is when it starts going horribly horribly wrong.
I send her a few messages and she doesn't respond, once shes got back I try calling her but I don't get an answer or a callback. The next time I see her is at another friends leaving do at the end of the month. Initially she seems really awkward around me, and admits to being sorry for ignoring me. We agree to go out the next week and shes gonna call me. By the end of the evening everyones at an indian and we are in each others arms again making plans to do lots of stuff together. Obviously she never calls. This happens a few more times, but intersperced are times when I get through to her and we do go out, but more often than not she says she'll call me and doesn't. Obviously I am pretty low at this point. But then I call her up a couple of times and we chat for a bit and decide to meet up for a drink. This time she tells me she misses me, and she is sorry for ignoring me she really really likes me and wants me to call her to sort something out for next week. I try calling her house and mobile phones several times, no answer from the mobile and her mum is very apologetic down the landline, probably because shes been told to get rid of me. She sends me an email full of jokes the next week, so I send her a text message telling her that she can't keep playing with me any more because its not fair.
She never responds to this message and now I feel like scum. For the first time in a long time I had felt happy, and I had opened up to someone who said they felt the same way, and I felt like I was smacked by a bus. When friends of mine insult me, or mess me about abit it doesn't bother me too much, because I put on a bit of a front with them, so its not really me they are rejecting its this make believe charecter I have invented because its easier than dealing with the world. But with her I was just myself, so being rejected like that really hurt me. As a result I did what any self respecting wimp would do, I went and got plastered in the uni bar. Except I didn't want to be sober any more and the next time I was sober enough to drive I went and bought a crap load of alcohol. I then proceeded to become severely drunk most of the time, only sobering up long enough to go to lectures.
Several weeks went by when one day I was sat in the uni bar having a coffee trying to work out what the hell I was doing with myself when a stunningly beautiful girl asked me if I wanted some free stuff. She just smiled at me and I felt better. We had a brief chat and found out that we lived in the same direction and at the end of the day I found she was waiting for me so we could go home together.
Up until christmas we started getting really close, she would skip on her friends to talk to me and we'd have a great time. I was still a little burned so I was taking it slowly. Over the christmas period we were emailing every day, sometimes more than that. So on the 23rd of december I asked her out (On the advice of 2 guys in a pub who said she wouldn't wait forever). At that pont she said she was really sorry but she was really busy and didn't have any time to. I knew she was a total workaholic and with it being christmas I didn't have any reason to disbelieve her. After this she was still constantly emailing as well as texting so with a bit of advice from the guys on here I decided to wait until we were back at uni before trying again. Except when we got back she was completely different, randomly ignoring me and just walking off in the middle of conversations. She pretended not to know me that well when she was around her friends, so I think they thought I was a stalker or something. I found out that our relationship had made this guy friend of hers really jealous and he'd told her he was in love with her and she was now confused over what to do.
I made the choice for her and decided that I had been treated badly enough last time so I stopped talking to her, and tried to avoid her where possible. This produced the immediate effect of her following me around and trying to basically right what had happened. They always say that if you treat them mean and they come back then they really like you. In reality she was trying to keep on my good side because she seems to view me as a sort of backup in case everything goes wrong for her.
The final straw came on monday when it was her birthday. I wasn't going to go into uni because its very difficult without a car (and mines broken) but because she had made a big deal of it, as well as because she almost came out with me the week before (had a good excuse to cancel, although I think now that it was probably calculated to be like that) I made the effort to get in to see her. As I was on my way in I realised that I would be quite late and might not get to see her until later on because I had a tutorial to go to I decided to send her a message wishing her happy birthday with the intention of giving her a card when I saw her.
As it turned out I saw her about 4 times before my tutorial, where she walked past me and gave me dirty looks like I was scum (Not me being paranoid, all my friends asked me what I'd done to upset her). She dissapeared after that and I couldn't find her which left me wishing I hadn't got out of bed that day. I saw her on thursday and she was acting like nothing had happened, but obviously I was not in the mood to play her games any more and by the end of the day we were barely talking to each other. I felt bad about it and sent her a message as a sort of olive branch, and we texted each other for a bit that night. But my friends have made me see sense with regards to her using me as a backup plan.
It just seems like everything has been going wrong for me in the last 2 years, and despite my best efforts I can't seem to turn things around for myself. Now I feel like everything that has happened has just crept up on me again and I don't know what to do any more. In a fit of desperation last week I sent off a quick email to Girl 1 just asking how she was etc because I just felt like I hadn't been happy for any period of time since I last saw her and was feeling a bit weak. Not entirely without provocation since she decided to send me pictures of David Hasslehoff on valentines day. She hasn't responded, which I am not sure if I am happy or sad about. My dad and I still don't have the best relationship, he pretends nothing is wrong when I see him, but theres tension there. He also upset both me and my little sister by only asking my older sister to go skiing with him and his brothers family, and he'll only ever call me when his computers broken. I did go to see him once but he made me feel totally unwelcome plus when he talks to me its like hes talking to the guy at the bank down the phone, complete with business talk and everything.
I wonder if part of the problem is that my little VVC is broken, and that has been the outlet for my frustration for so long, its like having a faithful friend. When I used to get really down I'd jump in my baby and drive to the middle of nowhere, my friends liked it because I drove them places but I just enjoyed the journey.
Bah what can I do to make things better? I feel so down most of the time its unbelievable.
Just ride it out and concentrate on the good things, no matter how small. Keep telling yourself that you're a good person and things will get better.....cos they will. Trust me 
