who here is estranged from their parents??!!

shuzzbutt

shuzzbutt

shuzzbutt

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Joined
24 Jun 2009
Posts
497
Simple question really, would like to know how long since you last saw your folks on good terms and over what the sqaubble is.

I'll start off, haven't seen them for 3 months and probably won't for many years. Based on the their views of my wife :(
 
Many years....while I occasionally speak to my Parents on the phone so they can speak to their Grandson, I have not had good terms with my parents, my Mother in particular since I was a child.

It is water off a ducks back to me tbh.
 
I couldn't imagine being estranged from my folks.
Live my mum to bits, and my dads always good for a arguement/debate within five minutes of a conversation starting :)
 
I was from my dad for a while, about 3 and a half years following my parents divorce. We eventually reconciled and now we are probably closer than ever.
 
Castiel said:
Many years....while I occasionally speak to my Parents on the phone so they can speak to their Grandson, I have not had good terms with my parents, my Mother in particular since I was a child.

It is water off a ducks back to me tbh.
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i hope to feel that indifferent soon-my mother is also the mains source of the trouble :(
 
Going on 13 years with my father. I think we've seen each other maybe 4 or 5 times in that space and each time was uncomfortable and I was glad when the meeting was over. Life goes on and any relationship we had is like every other that has or will fizzle out as time goes by.
 
shuzzbutt said:
i hope to feel that indifferent soon-my mother is also the mains source of the trouble :(
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They are simply people I know, they have no special bond to me neither do I feel anything for them...I am totally ambivalent about them if I am honest, I don't feel angry, sad or any real emotion for either of them.
 
OhEsEcks said:
Going on 13 years with my father. I think we've seen each other maybe 4 or 5 times in that space and each time was uncomfortable and I was glad when the meeting was over. Life goes on and any relationship we had is like every other that has or will fizzle out as time goes by.
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That's so alien to me. I'm very fond of my father, he's awesome.
 
My mum and dad separated when I was very young and I haven't seen my mum for around 25 years. She kicked me out of home when I was 16 and I haven't bothered with her since.

I used to feel a lot of anger and hatred for what she put me through, but now I feel absolutely nothing for her.
 
I was kicked out of the family home by my mother and was homeless for sometime because of it. I blamed her for that at the time, and I still do now. However, I'm now in frequent contact with her and we get along fine. I grew up and realised that there is no point in continuing ill-feeling towards her, or anyone, as it doesn't help.

If you are estranged, then offer an olive branch. Don't expect apologies and explanations. Just accept that rubbish stuff happened in the past and leave it in the past. Move on, and be better people.
 
On a similar note, we don't talk to my sister's husband, or rather he doesn't talk to us. As a result of this we see her much less than we'd like.

He holds grudges like no one else I've ever met, the thing we fell out about was completely stupid and petty but I really don't think he'll ever let it go. It's a shame as we all like him, there's loads of people who he doesn't want anything to do with and hardly any of it's over anything worth being upset about.

Apart from his extraordinary grudge-holding capability he's a smashing bloke.
 
My mum and dad separated before I was born. I'm on good terms with my mum. I have met my dad on maybe four or five separate occasions - he seems like an okay guy but there's no connection.
 
Ahleckz said:
If you are estranged, then offer an olive branch. Don't expect apologies and explanations. Just accept that rubbish stuff happened in the past and leave it in the past. Move on, and be better people.
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I'm just fine as a person, I have no need or inclination to offer anything to either of my Parents. Of course the past is the past and you move on from it, but the level of contact or reconciliation surely depends on the level of 'rubbish stuff' and the nature if it?

In my case most people feel I am rather forgiving, myself I simply don't care about them enough to be bothered.
 
I've had a few girlfriends who have horrible or non-existent relationships with their dads (to the point where I worry I like girls with daddy issues).

One had a dad who was violent, beat her mother horribly when they were together and she very rarely saw him.

One had a dad who was dead, but she wasn't sure how. She moved here from Germany 10 years ago and had been told by distant relatives that he was dead but with no actual details- presumed because of alcoholism (this struck me as 100% bizarre). I didn't press this any further because she was slightly mental and borderline alcoholic herself.

One's dad I never met and she hasn't seen him in about 10 years. He regularly gets drunk and phones her house and her mobile but she ignores it, every now and then she answers it and gets the same drunk and paranoid ramblings about how everyone's out to get him, and he veers wildly between complete affection and accusing her of accusing him of touching her up (neither the touching her up or the accusations have ever happened).

As someone who had a rough patch with their parents but has always loved them and been loved, I never really know what to say. My parents and I have had some incredibly rough patches, to the point of me having been arrested (when I was sixteen, and to 'prevent further breach of the peace' rather than because of any actual crime), but always stuck together in the end, and if I'm honest I can't really appreciate how a family can disintegrate so badly, seeing as mine has been through some real **** and come out together.
 
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Castiel said:
I'm just fine as a person, I have no need or inclination to offer anything to either of my Parents. Of course the past is the past and you move on from it, but the level of contact or reconciliation surely depends on the level of 'rubbish stuff' and the nature if it?

In my case most people feel I am rather forgiving, myself I simply don't care about them enough to be bothered.
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My reply was sort of in two halves, but poorly worded. I'll try and explain better (but be aware, I have been drinking).

I feel that if possible, one should offer an olive branch. My situation was pretty crap and I had nothing but hatred and distrust for a while (and, still now. Probably). However, I realised that the bitterness that I felt towards my mother wasn't worth it. Sure, I could have decided to have nothing to do with her and continued being bitter and hateful towards her (as she was to me). However, I thought: what was the point? And, I decided to tackle it head on and just move on.
Now, I moved on by accepting the situation and getting myself out of it. Which is something I've done. I've now become close, again, to my mother and feel no resentment or bitterness towards her for how she acted. (I think she was wrong for what she did and how she acted but I realised that there's no point in being bitter and angry as it doesn't achieve anything).

Now, I could have equally decided to forget what she did and stop being bitter and angry to her and not have a relationship with her. That course of action would have been justifiable and acceptable to myself as well as those who know the story (I'm not willing to discuss the story in full detail with anyone now). But that course of action wasn't for me but if it was for some then that's fine.

My point is, don't be angry and bitter towards estranged parents. If you aren't going to have a relationship with them then that's fine. But, don't be angry or bitter. As that isn't going to help anyone, it's just going to harm you.

There is no right or wrong in these situations (I tried to contact my fathers estranged mother when he died and she wasn't interested, so aware of both sides (in a way)), but I just don't want people to stay angry/upset/bitter with people. It's not worth it. If you think it's best to cut contact then that's fine, but I would always suggest at least trying to get some contact going before going to that.
 
Ahleckz said:
My point is, don't be angry and bitter towards estranged parents. If you aren't going to have a relationship with them then that's fine. But, don't be angry or bitter. As that isn't going to help anyone, it's just going to harm you.
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This I wholeheartedly agree with. Anger and bitterness only does you more harm, my parents are not worth that level of concern, there was a time when I was angry and I got in quite a lot of trouble in one way or another but today I am simply ambivalent about it all.

I speak to them both on the phone, but only cursory so they have some level of contact with their grandson who can then make up his own mind when he is old enough to know and understand the history of why it's like it is...he can then make up his own mind whether he wishes to continue or develop his relationship with them or not. He has limited physical contact with them because my Wife simply will not allow it and given the situation I cannot blame her.

I think there is a difference between those whose previously good/reasonable relationship has broken down and those, like me, whose relationship was simply one of abuse and neglect and nothing else.
 
My father died when i was 18...and i wasnt really bothered about it as he was a total B****** to me when i was a child and he was violent too..and so i grew up around domestic violence and alcoholism , as goes the rest of my family i have not spoken to them in about four years ..partly because they dont like my wife or my stepson and have never really had anything to do with my daughter either....but ya know, life goes on :)
 
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