Soldato
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I hope you both have a will.
1 Big problem in relationship
- Thread starter dal
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I hope you both have a will.
As said above, not fundamental as it must be done, but rather on the scale of things to be concerned about in a relationship. Some things you wont worry about (hopefully whether or not one of them is spending a grand on a cmputer she reckons could be bought for 500 squid down PC world for instance) whereas fundamental issues likely to cause issues are marriage, whether one side wants kids or not...
Basically if youre both happy not to get married, rock on.
A relationship won't work if one person in that relationship really wants to get married and the other doesn't. The same theory can be applied to any life event being shared between two people;
- Children
- Relocation
- Marriage
- Life goals
If both sides are happy about the situation then it isn't an issue.
Soldato
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Ahh intestate, such a nice word...
Soldato
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Just marry her and stop worrying.
All covered
I'm backing away from the thread now anyway, as I'm rather scared by some peoples views on this.
Soldato
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All covered
Why be scared of peoples opinions?
Seems an odd thing to say!
But fare thee well!
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Instead of looking at what people want, look at how it affects the person's life. In that case marriage doesn't deserve to be on that list. Children, relocation and life goals all drastically change a person's day to day activities. Marriage doesn't.
As soon as the question "Why do you want to get married?" is asked, people can rarely come up with a good arguement other than, "I do".
Soldato
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And that is good enough, surely?
Often the feelings someone has cannot be rationalised.
For example, I find faith in God a ridiculous concept. I see no rational reason to have it. But some just know in their hearts they believe in God. Can they explain it? Probably not.
Does a persons life goal have to be rational for them to feel passionately about it?
It seems like a moot point to me?
Why be scared of peoples opinions?
Seems an odd thing to day!
But fare thee well!
Well, there seems to be a lot of get married or your relationship will fail miserably opinions coming across, and that is something I just do not understand.
In my opinion it's a difference of opinion. No different to wanting different things for dinner. I just don't understand why people place such a high importance on what is at the end of the day, just a piece of paper.
Soldato
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For the same reason people go to war over a sky fairie! Who knows!?!
I apologise if I have in any way insinuated your relationship will fail. I was merely putting across my thoughts based on people I have known in life.
Regarding differences in opinion I believe it is more than that. It is about a persons fundamental outlook on life. Being married is indeed a little bit of paper, and a change of name, but to many it is a life goal and usually one they feel strongly about. The same as having kids is a life goal. Perhaps life goals are not always rational, but that does not mean a person hangs onto them any less or, crucially, feels they are any less important.
That has been my point all along. I'm not saying "if you dont get married your relationship will fail". I am trying to say that such fundamental differences in life goals and outlook can cause problems.
In your example, it seems your partner is not that bothered about marriage either way. So its not as much of an issue. In the case of the OP it clearly is an issue, and one that should have never got to this stage if both parties had been completely honest with each other about what they want in life.
Good question.
I don't really know the answer. All I know is that when I really want something, I can give numerous reasons as to why. I'd hate to commit the effort and money into getting married without having credible reasons.
I think the crux of this arguement could be transfered to all other traditions. Traditions aren't required, they're a nice thing to uphold and should be treated as that. Therefore in the case of marriage, I'd say marriage is irrational just as most traditions are, but wanting to get married isn't, as it's an enjoyable event.
I think in modern society, it's pretty bad that such a needless institute can cause issues. The default choice should be to not get married. Only get married if you both want to and not the other way around as it actually is.
Soldato
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Agreed, but then (and I am not being sexist here), our little girls are bought up and often groomed for marriage and children from a young age. How many little girls do you know who have asked Santa for a life-like baby doll? The Cindarella fairytale is thrust upon girls from an early age and many want marriage before they even know what it is. But even when they learn what it is, the desire does not diminish and stays with a person.
Many women want to be a princess for a day. That is not to say they are shallow or are any less devoted or loyal to their partner. It is just something they have dreamed about since they were a child.
Men, on the other hand, are more layed back. I was not really bothered about marriage, until I spent some time thinking about it and realised it was actually something I wanted. I cannot explain why, I just feel happy I am married. Our relationship didnt need justifying, and bar a change of name our lives have not changed. Yet we have both agreed we are happier somehow. Like our relationship is now somehow better. Silly isnt it? But I am glad I did it, and have no regrets.
Unfortunately, people are apt to be disingenuous about their feelings on certain subjects because they hold on to hope. As described in other posts, it can cause issues. Men and women are both guilty of doing this. I suppose the silver lining is that some people do change their mind. But many wont, and that is a shame. Not because they wont, but because they have entered a relationship where one or both parties has not been totally honest and people end up getting hurt.
I say the default position should be absolute honesty. If people were totally honest with each other, relationship problems pertaining to marriage and kids would never happen.
The default choice is not to get married, as in dont do it and die that way. Society is hardly going to sneer about it these days. Seems a silly thing to get so worked up about when two people want to do it.
Caporegime
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Without reading through the whole thread I presume most people like me are suggesting get married or the relationship will fail BECAUSE she is so desperate to be married, not because ALL relationships fail without marriage.
hmmm I don't get the people on this forum saying that you should get married against your will. You've learned a harsh life lesson and you feel no longer want marriage, so why should you do it?
You don't get married to appease another person, you get married because both people want to.
Buy her a wedding ring look-a-like and get her name changed if she wants to prance about and play happy married.
You don't get married to appease another person, you get married because both people want to.
Buy her a wedding ring look-a-like and get her name changed if she wants to prance about and play happy married.
Associate
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I personally think for some women it's more about the wedding than being married.
Like 'dal' said about his Girlfriend....she's been dreaming of this since she was 5.
She couldn't have been dreaming about marriage at 5 years old....its more about the big day, wearing the dress and having a party with family etc. It's one big fantasy.
People complain about him not trusting his girlfriend. You don't think he didn't trust his previous Girlfriend/Wife? Look what happened there.
ALso: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/divorce/10664522/Prenups-to-become-commodity-not-luxury.html
Like 'dal' said about his Girlfriend....she's been dreaming of this since she was 5.
She couldn't have been dreaming about marriage at 5 years old....its more about the big day, wearing the dress and having a party with family etc. It's one big fantasy.
People complain about him not trusting his girlfriend. You don't think he didn't trust his previous Girlfriend/Wife? Look what happened there.
ALso: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/divorce/10664522/Prenups-to-become-commodity-not-luxury.html
maybe something more permanent would be a better symbolic gesture then like matching tattoos.
why do people bother getting married if they don't attend church? most won't even own a bible
Soldato
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So the OP should base every future relationship on what happened in a past relationship?
If he's not yet ready to trust then he needs to let her go. However at some point he needs to deal with that trust issue lest it forever be a thorn in his side.
I can understand that logic and agree. I'm not sure how healthy it is though. Fundamentally, a women's dream can only be achieved through a man (in most cases).
I have friends who have gotten married (I went to 6 weddings last year and have 3 this year!) and I can completely understand the sense of fulfilment and happiness they get from it. I enjoy a good wedding.
I'm hardly worked up about it. The default, is to get married. Most people get into a serious relationship at some point and once they are, it's expected that marriage is to follow.