1 Big problem in relationship

ci_newman said:
What benefit do you get from spending £30k on a new car or £10k on a holiday to somewhere sunny? The benefit is what is MEANS to you, you can't rationalise something like that.

Clearly your fiance sees marriage as a sign of commitment and love between two people - something that it appears (at least to her) you're not willing to offer her.
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Ermm, I'm not the OP. I'm not engaged, think some people are getting confused here. I'm just trying to work out why some people are so dead set on marriage, and why they feel they need to pressurize others into this archaic institution, despite there being no real reason to.

I still don't understand why anyone would need to end a perfectly good, happy, working relationship because of not getting married?
 
Jano said:
Why do you need to end a relationship because one person will not get married? I know she would like to get married, but I also know that it is not a barrier to the long term success of the relationship?

I can't think of any possible reason to end a relationship over this, and I find that response rather scary.
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Because she is a woman, and one thing I know about women is she will not give up if it is something she really wants. Likewise, if you are so sure of your own feelings you will not back down.

You will end up resenting each other because you feel pressured into feeling bad over not giving her something you really dont want and she feels like you are denying her what she really wants for no good reason (even if your reasons are sound to you). It will be fine, for a time. Then it builds, and builds until eventually it blows up (usually).

These situations rarely end well. She will keep pushing. Then you will get the pressure from the family and friends to 'make an honest woman' out of her. Then if you have kids there is the name thing - by that I mean which surname does he/she get?

The reason to end the relationship is to do justice to yourself, and her.

If you are 100% sure marriage is not on the cards, letting her go is the honourable thing to do if you are 100% sure you dont want it.

Likewise you can get on with your life and find the woman with the same outlook as you.

Granted, that is just my line of thought on it. I have made some assumptions there, and dont know you or your partner. But I do know how these things often end up (unfortunately).
 
OP, I'm pretty sure by getting a house together if you split she would be entitled to some of it anyway. :p

As for the marriage thing, I'm in the camp of "it's just a piece of paper". Too many people do it because "it's just the way things work" but I'd rather spend the money on something more constructive than a big party that changes very little about the relationship.

BUT - you will need to learn to trust your new partner if it's going to work out. I know I wouldn't stick around if my girlfriend was always using a previous relationship as an excuse not to trust me.

4T5 said:
Tell her you can't marry her as it would make all your other girlfriends jealous & they'd stop putting out.
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:D
 
Absolute nonsense. As I've said, we've been together over 5 years, we've been friends for over 10, she has known my feelings on this for years and has no problem with it. Yes she would like to get married, I know she would like to get married, but she has never pushed it as she is more than happy with how things are as they stand.

I'm genuinely gobsmacked that someone would think a relationship can't work just because of not getting married.
 
For me, this year it'll be 11 years with my partner, and I'm turning 30 in December.

Still no talk of marriage or kids, and nothing on the horizon either.
 
The problem is the emotional baggage from the OP's previous marriage. He is projecting what happened to him by his ex-wife onto his new partner. Giving her an engagement ring probably wasn't the best move as it made out like he was reconsidering.

It's been said but apparently not enough to drown out the anti-marriage people (and there's noting wrong if two loving people chose not to get married)

Get married or call it all off. Depends on what you are willing to compromise on and how much you can see a future with this person.
 
Jano said:
Absolute nonsense. As I've said, we've been together over 5 years, we've been friends for over 10, she has known my feelings on this for years and has no problem with it. Yes she would like to get married, I know she would like to get married, but she has never pushed it as she is more than happy with how things are as they stand.

I'm genuinely gobsmacked that someone would think a relationship can't work just because of not getting married.
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Please dont interpret my response as that. It matters not what the sticking point is, but how much 2 people either want or dont want something.

Marriage and kids are two huge elements in relationships where such a disparity in the outlook of two people can cause upset.

It could be other things, but marriage and kids are usually the two big ones.

EDIT - I should add that if your situation works for you, that is great. I wish you both all the happyness in the world. But as this thread suggests - a situation where a woman being 'fine' with a man not wanting to get married can quickly go south.
 
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4T5 said:
Not taking sides but Where is the middle ground between marriage & not getting married ? Do you agree to get married for 5 years then divorce for 5 or does just 1 of you get married ? :p
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Personally I don't have the answer to that question as I have never had to deal with it.

I was eluding more to the issue that relationships should be about balance & equal amounts of give/take, regardless of what the issue at hand is
 
Jano said:
Ermm, I'm not the OP. I'm not engaged, think some people are getting confused here. I'm just trying to work out why some people are so dead set on marriage, and why they feel they need to pressurize others into this archaic institution, despite there being no real reason to.

I still don't understand why anyone would need to end a perfectly good, happy, working relationship because of not getting married?
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Youre not ending it over marriage, youre ending it because you clearly want fundamentally different things out of your relationship. As good a reason for her to call it a day and move onto someone who better suits her needs.

LMAO at all these 'women, theyre crazy' remarks over something as fundamental as marriage, when we are computer nerds trying to justify spending £300 on a graphics card.
 
I have to say my situation is very different to the OPs, he should never have agreed to getting engaged and is obviously very concerned by the financial aspect of the relationship - both things I agree are a recipe for disaster. I do however think they could still work it out, I can't see any reason to call it all off without at least trying to work things out and finding a way to move forward.
 
Devlish said:
Youre not ending it over marriage, youre ending it because you clearly want fundamentally different things out of your relationship. As good a reason for her to call it a day and move onto someone who better suits her needs.

LMAO at all these 'women, theyre crazy' remarks over something as fundamental as marriage, when we are computer nerds trying to justify spending £300 on a graphics card.
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But WHY? We are in a very happy, loving relationship. What possible reason can you give me to justify ending it. She knows we will never get married and is happy with that.
 
Jano said:
I have to say my situation is very different to the OPs, he should never have agreed to getting engaged and is obviously very concerned by the financial aspect of the relationship - both things I agree are a recipe for disaster. I do however think they could still work it out, I can't see any reason to call it all off without at least trying to work things out and finding a way to move forward.
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But the core of their relationship is fundamentally flawed. They want two completely different things. That is trying to build a relationship on pillars of sand.

Compromise is always welcome, but people usually feel passionately about marriage one way or the other. Often it is the same on whether to have kids or not.

When two people which such opposing goals in life are together, it often does not end well. Sure, they can exist together but it is usually out of a form of hope. She hopes he will change his mind, and he hopes she will just forget about it and accept it isnt going to happen.

As this thread has shown, that is not a healthy kind of relationship to have.
 
Jano said:
But WHY? We are in a very happy, loving relationship. What possible reason can you give me to justify ending it. She knows we will never get married and is happy with that.
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Directed at the OP. This thread is getting confusing, if youre both happy with it who cares about marriage?
 
Devlish said:
Youre not ending it over marriage, youre ending it because you clearly want fundamentally different things out of your relationship. As good a reason for her to call it a day and move onto someone who better suits her needs.

LMAO at all these 'women, theyre crazy' remarks over something as fundamental as marriage, when we are computer nerds trying to justify spending £300 on a graphics card.
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I'd argue that Marriage is no longer fundamental in a relationship. It's a status that some people would like to have.

If it was fundamental is would actually change/affect something or be required to have a full relationship.
 
Malc said:
I'd argue that Marriage is no longer fundamental in a relationship. It's a status that some people would like to have.

If it was fundamental is would actually change/affect something.
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I agree, it is not at all fundamental.

However, the way a person feels about it is. I think the crux of this thread is not the subject of marriage per se, but how people feel about it and whether the chances are good for two people who want completely different things staying together long term.
 
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