A gift to OcUK by Voltar

Voltar

Voltar

Voltar

Soldato
Joined
2 Oct 2004
Posts
5,804
Location
London, NW1
Here is something from my 'Black Book' which I want you to read and consider.
Please respect this as stupid comments will be taken as insults.
This is the first time I've given anything I've written to the general public and I hope you enjoy it or have serious constructive criticism otherwise.

For you OcUK:




Set sail for the azure infinity,
raise anchor once more; set a course
for the abyss.

Again we embark on another
meaningless voyage; the sensation
never changes, it is always the same
bright blue yonder and the same
glowing stars.

Our voyage left to chance and
the benevolence of Providence:
we cannot help but let
ourselves be carried along,
gently rocked to sleep by the calm
drifting and the silent lullaby of the wind.
[edit sorry folks that was a typo there^^ ('of' was not written in the original]


Freedom is such that we are
able to glide across the
tranquil oceans in peaceful solitude.

We few are destined to
float here forever until
the current ceases and
the oceans expire.






This is not in my opinion my best but still worthy of your critical glance. It was written when I was 19 years old. Please comment if you feel you can do so sensibly.

Thanks

Voltar
 
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Thankyou whappers, that does sincerely mean a huge amount to me. This is one of a small collection which I will be sending to publishers this summer once I'm done in Spain.
More comments would be so very appreciated.
 
Pretty awesome stuff, but i much prefer to read it as a single flowing passage, the different lines just don't feel appropriate for me, much prefer a single collection of flowing text
 
I just thought breaking it up would make it look more enticing for people who aren't interested in literature to be honest with you! The 'neat copy in the Black Book' does not have the same visible stanzas or visible breaks.
 
Voltar said:
I just thought breaking it up would make it look more enticing for people who aren't interested in literature to be honest with you! The 'neat copy in the Black Book' does not have the same visible stanzas or visible breaks.
Click to expand...

please don't read what i wrote as criticism, i am not an avid literature fan by any means, but i can appreciate good work
 
Voltar said:
Please respect this as stupid comments will be taken as insults.
Click to expand...
This is the internet though :( :p

On first read I thought it was good, thoughtfully written but I'm afraid on a re-read I disagree....I strongly disagree with the voyage being meaningless. People with freedom are on a meaningless voyage waiting to die? I don't think so...I have my freedom, enjoy it, use it very well, and nothing I do is meaningless!

The whole 'populist' style of thought/talking/writing ("in today's modern society of today, look at all the silly useless stuff we do, wasting our life, for what gain....") has never really interested me, I tend to see straight through such things.

But then, I am very cynical and often see through things like that so perhaps it's just me :D

I also probably would've written something similar when I was a teenager though, so it's hard to know what to say without being too hypocritical....perhaps it instead shows a teenager's view of the world? Depends what's in the rest of the Doomsday ^^^Black book I guess ;)
 
Nice work :D

If you want one small critiscm though, in my sleep deprived state I have issues with this bit,

Voltar said:
we cannot help but let
ourselves be carried along,
Click to expand...

the rest flows very smoothly, but in my mental reading of it the "but let" jarrs slightly and doesn't seem to fit with the rymthm (for lack of a better word) the rest falls into.

I don't have any real knowledge or experience about creative writing though, so feel free to dismiss my ramblings. :p
 
If I may say so, it sounds too absorbed in what it wants to say to people about the author rather than painting the picture about the subject. It reads in a very contrived manner.
 
Akira said:
If I may say so, it sounds too absorbed in what it wants to say to people about the author rather than painting the picture about the subject. It reads in a very contrived manner.
Click to expand...

:o possibly the most striking and important criticism thus far of any of my work. I am sad that it seems contrived. so very sad as this is something which I've always wanted to avoid... So much so that it rarely takes me more than 20 minutes to write something. This one if I remember correctly took 25mins to write: must need to edit this.


Akira, if you are willing could you give specific criticisms to this one and in what areas it is contrived as this is ******* critical in my work and if I can spot it now with your help I'd be mightily grateful!
 
I would point to the ends of each line, they are all exactly the same in that they seem designed (contrived) to make you hang on the next, but in such abundance they simply draw attention to the technique. Also, the material seems inconsistent, I'm struggling for words here. The calming effect and the yearning seem incongruous to me and I can't reconcile them. I'm no expert.
 
lmao :p

It's great your immersing yourself within expression- for the sign of the true artist is to effectively represent the powers of the mind in a form comprehendable by others :)
 
I have to agree with others that as I read it I thought this seems stylized and dare I say a bit contrived.

I think your intentions were honest but as you said you were younger when you wrote this maybe you were trying too hard go give it a certain feel. Style over content?

Saying thats it's probably better than I could do and easily better than published stuff I've read.

Would very much like to see some more
 
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