A gift to OcUK by Voltar

[semi-pro waster]

I'm not going to particularly criticise on the style of the piece, I'm not a huge fan of the style as is, that doesn't mean it isn't good, just that it isn't to my tastes - I'd prefer rhyming couplets if it is a poem for instance and the breaking up of the lines seems a little forced but I'll suggest some possible word changes that might be more suitable or prevent repetition (bolded and under the quote are possible replacements). Although you may want repetition for emphasis so feel free to ignore any or all of what I say. As a wise man once said "a poem is never finished, only abandoned".

Set sail for the azure infinity,
raise anchor once more; set a course
for the abyss.

Into. And do you really mean abyss? Sounds rather like expecting death at any moment sailing towards your doom.

Again we embark on another
meaningless voyage; the sensation
never changes, it is always the same
bright blue yonder and the same
glowing stars.

Can't think of anything here unless simply to change meaningless to meandering or something similar but that might then change the whole meaning for you.

Our voyage left to chance and
the benevolence of Providence:
we cannot help but let
ourselves be carried along,
gently rocked to sleep by the calm
drifting of the silent lullaby of the wind.

Providence doesn't have a capital unless it is a specific thing you are thinking of. And while I like rhyming couplets I think having chance, benevolence and providence in one sentence is perhaps overkill on the "ce" ending, how about "Our voyage left to chance and benevolent providence"?
In.

Freedom is such that we are
able to glide across the
tranquil oceans in peaceful solitude.

We few are destined to
float here forever until
the current ceases and
the oceans expire.

I'd change to the "currents cease" because there are multiple currents in the oceans of the World and it wouldn't affect the flow of the line. Actually breaking it down I like it a bit more but it is still a little bit too full of teenage angst for my tastes.

 

[cleanbluesky]

You sound like a sensitive soul, Voltar - I don't read much poetry but it strikes me as being well written. I couldn't offer critique as I have no idea what you're planning to use it for but it certainly has its good points.

 

[Father Ted]

I admire you for having the guts to publish your work on a public forum, I've written a bit of poetry in my time but I don't think I'd be brave enough to put an example on here.

 

[[FnG]magnolia]

It's standard late-teen/1st Year English Lit. fare, no? Certainly not offensive but heavy on angst and the style seems slightly laboured. It doesn't sit well with my personal tastes but good on you for posting it; it makes a nice change from the GD norm

 

[Snakedoctor]

Well written I would say, certainly an awful lot better than I could do. I little depressing, perhaps the writer needs a more positive outlook on life, but I see their point.

 

[Voltar]

It's standard late-teen/1st Year English Lit. fare, no? Certainly not offensive but heavy on angst and the style seems slightly laboured. It doesn't sit well with my personal tastes but good on you for posting it; it makes a nice change from the GD norm

Wouldn't say so mate. I was in my 2nd year at uni when this was written and I don't do english literature in any way shape or form.


Thankyou all for your comments. I don't think the content will be changing but am revising the structure of this one as it could be a whole lot better.

 

[Surfer]

Sorry seems contrived/self absorbed and more Vivid expression is needed. You need to have your own definitive style. e.g. whats the rhyming scheme? Uhmm....metaphors? where are they?

Its not bad but you need to involve the reader more. Your prose seems isolated, that is, the meaning of each word or sentence seems isolated from the rest. It doesnt conjure up images/scenes to convey the experience to me. e.g.


Freedom is such that we are
able to glide across the
tranquil oceans in peaceful solitude

Way too obvious imho. Yes its certainly describing the scene but it doesnt make me feel like i'm there or caught up in it.

Ultimately: the text feels isolated (obectified) from the events it is describing.

You need RICHNESS in how you describe what is going on see Yeats for example:



my favs are Yeats and Larkin.

T**ning and t**ning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Pretty much awesome stuff aint it? (my highlighting and underlining)

so uhmm yeah let us know when you get your stuff published

 

[Killa_ken]

never did understand poetry