A Joke!

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Jake the Inventor is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks ‘Have you got the time?'
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. 'It's a quarter to six,' he says.
'Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!' exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. 'Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out' -and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says ‘The time is eleven 'til six' in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues 'I've put in regional accents for each city'. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. 'The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,' explains Jake. 'View recede ten,'
Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
'I want to buy this watch!' says the stranger.
'Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs,’ says the inventor. 'But look at this,' and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,’ though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far' says Jake. 'I've got to have this watch!' says the stranger.
'No, you don't understand; it's not ready.' 'I'll give you $1000 for it!'
'Oh, no, I've already spent more than -' 'I'll give you $5000 for it!'
'But it's just not -'
'I'll give you $15,000 for it!' And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. 'Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.' Jake abruptly makes his decision. 'OK,' he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
'Hey, wait a minute,' calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
'Don't forget the batteries!!'
 
Hmm, I fail to understand how something that could do all that would require such large batteries. There's not much difference between his invention and modern PDAs, which take up a lot less space. Sounds like he's really doing something wrong to be honest.

PK!
 
Hmm, I fail to understand how something that could do all that would require such large batteries. There's not much difference between his invention and modern PDAs, which take up a lot less space. Sounds like he's really doing something wrong to be honest.

PK!

I donno, pda's have larger batteries then most normal watches... But yeah sounds like a 1990's sort of joke.
 
I was expecting the suitcases to contain the separate products that the watch incorporates like a sat nav, a person from every nationality etc etc.


Still funny :D
 
I was engrossed, captivated, and hanging on for an awesome end... then the end came, and it was just like when I stubbed my toe on the kitchen door this morning.

Painful. :D Sorry OP!

Platypus, this is your cue to work your rescue magic matey!
 
Every day my suspicious missus checks my clothes for traces of blonde,brunette and red hair,shes found nothing for weeks.Now she's convinced im sleeping with jade goody. :O
 
Old but good (IMO)

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 orBeer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend
5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
 
The next reality TV series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the A & E..

He must also
make biscuits or cakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewellery,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 8:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labour,
each child's favourite colour,
middle name,
favourite snack,
favourite song,
favourite drink,
favourite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mum!

The next reality TV series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the A & E..

He must also
make biscuits or cakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewellery,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 8:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labour,
each child's favourite colour,
middle name,
favourite snack,
favourite song,
favourite drink,
favourite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mum!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you
think will get a laugh out of it and
as many men as you think can
handle it!
Just don't send it back to me .... I'm going to bed.
 
/controversy

A white man finds a bottle and rubs it. A genie pops out. The genie says, 'I've been in there for centuries. Thank you for letting me out. You get three wishes. I'm tired of talk—just think of them and they will be.' So the man thinks and—poof!—a mansion appears. Next—poof!—naked women are running around everywhere. Then—poof!—the KKK appear in full garb, take the man out and lynch him from a tree. The next day the genie is at Starbucks talking with other genies because that's where they drink their coffee. He speaks of the day before. 'They all wish for the same thing: the mansion and naked women. But the third wish is so confusing. Why would you want to be hung like a black man.

:rolleyes:
 
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