A little advice needed...

M0T

M0T

M0T

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This might be a bit of a heavy thread so bear with me.

I have a mate who went out with an abusive girlfriend for 4 years, and during that time was forbidden to see any of us. He ended up dumping her and it got extremely messy (arrests, false allegations and such). He ended up quite depressed over this, but when he got back in contact we assured him it was for the best.

We went out with him all the time, and generally tried to be good friends by cheering him up, but he still seemed down constantly (He dumped the girl in january).

He was still down about it in June but met a girl on an internet dating site and started going out with her. This turned out to be a huge mistake because she was cheating on him and all sorts, so he got even more depressed. This all came to a head on my birthday when he came on the internet at 2am and started telling me everything and that he was going to kill himself and that he was cutting himself. I wanted to go round and see him because I got very worried, but my car was broken down and I had no way of getting there. Instead I had to settle for talking to him until about 6am when he agreed to go to bed. I woke up at 1pm to find a load of extremely disturbing emails from him, so again I had to spend the day talking to him to try and calm him down.

Next day he tells me he has got back with this nutty girl and everythings good. I didn't really hear from him after that until yesterday when he starts telling me he is cutting himself and wants to die again, and again I have to sit up half the night talking to him.

I really don't know what to do about this, I have spent so much time talking to him and it doesn't make a jot of difference and I really can't deal with it. Any ideas?
 
I know it sounds harsh but if I were you I'd say "look you're making all the wrong decisions, I can't babysit you through your emotional crap anymore" and then never talk to him about it again.

Life's too short to waste on this sort of thing.
 
thats hard. i had a mate like that once. got all depressed as "the world hated him etc etc... *drivel drivel*".

said he was going to commit suicide once when we all talked him out of it and were starting to cheer him up again. only to have him flip one day and us all abandon him because he had messed us about far to much (long story, not getting into it on here)

turns out he overdosed and learned himself a lesson (pills bad mmmmmmmmmkay?)

if i was you i would stop tending to him, leave him to sort his own life out, seems as he is just coming to you for attention (that may not be the case however) but i'd leave him to get on with his own life and not to get involved.

he'll soon learn
 
What he needs is you're friendship. Be there for him when he needs to talk (If it annoys you then at least pretend to listen, it will really help him). When you're with him just ask how he's going etc but don't say stuff like "How's it going with <GF Name>".

Just generally try and show him that you care (Which it sounds like you already are doing) and try to cheer him up by going for the occasional pint or whatever. Whatever you do don't start getting upset over his issues though, I got upset because a close friend was in a similar position to yours and it really doesn't help things.

Eventually he'll see sense and leave her for good and crack on with his life :)
 
It's easy for people to say you don't need it in your life and to let him get on with it but if it is a genuine cry for help and you ignore it then you could end up feeling a whole lot worse if he ends up going the whole way.

Offer to go to his GP with him to find out about getting some proper help. If he doesn't go then at least you know you've tried to help him as best you could.
 
shauncr91 said:
True, but it's a damn-sight more possible if he has the moral support of his good friends like the OP.
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This.

I'm not sure the reasoning behind people suggesting the OP should abandon someone in a time of need. I guess they haven't gone through this sort of thing?
 
He said he can't handle it.

He has abligation to walk this guy through his life, leave him to it. If he's going to do something stupid after all the counselling you've already given him then a little more almost certainly won't work.

It's not your job to make him feel better.
 
Ok the people on here telling you to leave him alone are talking rubbish. Thats the worst thing you can do right now.

What you need to do is be there when he needs someone to talk to. Him talking away at all hours in the morning is him asking for help. You generally find people are more open late at night(when they are tired) anyway.

If you leave him alone its a lot more likely he will continue to cut himself and possibly a lot worse. He needs a friend and hes turning to you for a reason. Be there for the guy, otherwise your gonna have a guilty tradgedy on your hands.

Make sure he knows that suicide is very selfish.

Time is a healer, he just needs time. Hes not going to grow into a big pansy if you help him through it. He'll become stronger cause he made it through. If you dont help he wont make it through at all. Prepare for it taking a long time though.




EDIT:

Zefan - seriously man what the hell? If its not your friends job to make you feel better then whos is it?

There are times in a mans life when he'll feel lower than low. He'll feel unwanted, alone and miserable. This is the time for his mates to step in and make sure he stays on track. Its not easy to guide yourself if you dont want to.

Your friends are there for support. Not just to leave you alone cause you seem like a whiney *****.
 
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sarutobi said:
Ok the people on here telling you to leave him alone are talking rubbish. Thats the worst thing you can do right now.

What you need to do is be there when he needs someone to talk to. Him talking away at all hours in the morning is him asking for help. You generally find people are more open late at night anyway.

If you leave him alone its a lot more likely he will continue to cut himself and possibly a lot worse. He needs a friend and hes turning to you for a reason. Be there for the guy, otherwise your gonna have a guilty tradgedy on your hands.

Make sure he knows that suicide is very selfish.
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This.
 
Seek professional help on his behalf, and as hypocritical as it sounds, don't listen to a single word of advice said on these forums - really, you're in a sticky spot here.. would you rather some forumite tell you what to do, or a trained professional?
 
malolo said:
That doesn't mean he should completely wash his hands of the whole situation and forget about it.

It's part of being a friend. You can't just take the good times and then ignore people when it gets a bit tougher and they turn to you for help.
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My perspective is this:

This is a guy who I haven't seen for 3 years, who rudely dumped all of us and despite this we all took him back as a friend no questions asked. But I feel I have done everything I possibly can as his friend to help him, and its not made any difference and having been in this situation before I don't think I can take it again.
 
M0T said:
My perspective is this:

This is a guy who I haven't seen for 3 years, who rudely dumped all of us and despite this we all took him back as a friend no questions asked. But I feel I have done everything I possibly can as his friend to help him, and its not made any difference and having been in this situation before I don't think I can take it again.
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I'm not saying he's in the right to ignore you for years and then come back. I don't agree that that's how you treat friends either.

However, you've stayed up with him for three nights talking to him about all of this and you've started this thread so you obviously care on some level. By offering to go to see his GP with him then you're passing the responsibility on to someone who is capable of dealing with his problems which takes the pressure off you. If he doesn't want professional help then it's a completely different matter because you can't be expected to deal with it on your own.

The situation is obviously difficult for you but there are ways to deal with it without completely abandoning him and potentially making the situation worse for you and him in the future.
 
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