No I totally got it, if you read my second line I literally say you weren't giving us the full picture and your wife was on maternity leave. Your situation was completely different to the OP's and also very uncommon. Fortunate for you, but not the reality for many.
Advice for a new dad (arguing after newborn)...
- Thread starter kissenger
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No I totally got it, if you read my second line I literally say you weren't giving us the full picture and your wife was on maternity leave. Your situation was completely different to the OP's and also very uncommon. Fortunate for you, but not the reality for many.
No I read it very clearly, I don't drink or smoke, so I wouldn't even have considered mentioning the fact I didn't do either, so the fact you mentioned it is completely misleading.
Talking about reading comprehension, I didn't say a baby of convenience, I said inconvenience...there is quite a difference between the two, and its a very easy thing to understand.
Aside from all that, you completely fail to mention/respond to the other elements of my post....don't bed share, if you want links to numerous cases where parents have killed their babies doing this I will go and get them but I shouldn't need to, you can google. The other element was around expressing milk (or even discussing using formula for some feeds) for night shift feeding or even day time when you are not at work and can help, and you've completely glided past those elements.
TL/DR You can only help so much while options aren't being given to allow you to help, you both need to adjust.
My son was born three weeks ago and the situation is causing a lot of stress between my partner and I, and I wanted to ask people on here for some advice because I can't tell if I'm in the wrong or not. Here's the situation...
So yesterday we were fine, but we had a very minor falling out just before bedtime which was my fault and which I apologised for (she asked me to hold baby for 10 minutes while she got ready to breastfeed, but it ended up being more like 30-40 minutes, for a lot of which he was crying because he wanted food, and I got a little bit tetchy with her when she finally did come to get him). Then I woke up this morning and she's in a really bad mood and when I went to help try and settle the baby she said, "if I need your help I'll ask you"And she's just took the baby out to go and buy herself a 'push present' because I didn't get her one (although I did buy her flowers the day we came home from the hospital), so there's that too.
It's been a tough three weeks because she's breastfeeding and some days baby will want to feed virtually every hour, usually for about 45 minutes or so, right through the night. The worst thing for her has been the lack of sleep (for the first 8 or 9 days she slept probably 1-2 hours in 24, and every now and then baby will go back to 'cluster feeding' at night), but it also means that she sometimes can't do stuff during the day like go out or get jobs done, which understandably bothers her.
While I was still on paternity leave I did get up whenever baby cried to check his nappy and try and comfort him (except for one night when I was knackered and just slept through — again, for which I apologised), but I'm not doing that now that I'm back at work. And besides, the other half is now sleeping in the spare room because it's easier/safer to bed-share without me also being in the bed (I know not everyone approves of bed-sharing, especially with newborns, but we're taking all the necessary precautions — no drinking or smoking, being careful with bedsheets/pillows, etc — and given the lack of sleep we are at that point where we will try anything).
Besides that I think I'm helping out quite a bit: I'm cooking and cleaning and ironing, and making sure that she's looked after while she's breastfeeding during the day with drinks and snacks. And I usually do all the nappies during the day (unless I'm at work). I've also spent a lot of money making sure she has everything she needs and that might help make it easier on her (for example, I gave up my home office and turned it into a fully furnished nursery, I bought her a rocking chair because breastfeeding in bed was hurting her back, and I've bought countless baby bouncers, swings, toys, etc that we thought might make him settle more easily). If she's had a bad night, I try and settle the baby for a few hours after a feed so that she can go upstairs and nap, and on a few occasions when she's been at the end of her tether with sleep depravation at night I've taken baby out in the car (the one thing that always seems to settle him) so that she can crash.
So my question is, am I doing enough given the circumstances or should I be doing more (for example, getting up at night, even if I'm working the next day? Should I have bought her that 'push present'? Any advice in general would be appreciated.
TL;DR: I'm dad to a newborn, helping with housework and nappies during the day, but leaving it to mom at night. Mom is ****** with me. Am I out of order?
New dad/mum tired and grumpy shocker. Mate it's seriously mind bending just how much your life has changed with a baby. It's going to take time to get your head around it (try twins, my head is wrecked, still)
Mum will be having post natal floods of hormones. You need to bite the bullet and just take it all on the chin. You're doing all you can, but mum is also doing all she can to keep a life going, when you've both been chucked in at the deep end. Nothing can prepare for a newborn. Even if you think you've planned for it, plans go out the window. Communication is key, keep talking to her, reassure her that things will be ok and it's just getting used to this new direction in your life. Stick at it. It's hard work but you know it's worth it.
'Baby of inconvenience' isn't easy to understand. It's nonsense spouted by an idiot on the internet who thinks he can pass judgement on two new parents by reading a couple of paragraphs.
We've done our homework on the bedsharing. I'm well aware it can be a risk under certain circumstances but there is zero evidence that it is dangerous for breastfed babies as long as precautions are taken (hence why I mentioned the alcohol, smoking).
Our baby is still too young for us to give him expressed milk from a bottle. It risks ruining his ability to latch on a boob.
I think you should do more. I helped with baby during the nights and expect to again when our second baby hopefully arrives.
Look at it this way, if feeling tired the next day is a big issue, if it could impact one's ability to their job, is it better that the person doing your work is impacted, or the person looking after your child?
Until you have children you naturally associate being at home as being a relaxing time so your mindset probably hasn't adjusted. Her being sat at home is not a holiday like it was a year or even a month ago.
With tiredness comes tetchiness so it's important that you and your partner learn how to recognise this and deal with it via whatever means works for you. I say this like it is easy but we still fall into the trap from time to time.
My wife had similar problems, feeding times were a nightmare and it took about 3 months I think and a trip to A&E to discover my son has an allergy to cow's milk protein. It's horrible thinking back that we were basically torturing our son just by trying to feed him and getting really stressed about it because we didn't know any better :/
Its very easy to understand, something being an inconvenience is quite a simple concept and you call me an idiot. Yes I was maybe harsh in my original view, but you didn't put it across very well. I will chalk this one up to your current situation and lack of sleep.
I have also experienced many parents who clearly consider their children an inconvenience, so no it is not nonsense. If you want examples I can list the signs.
Except for all the babies that get smothered or crushed to death, or the increased risk of SIDS, you are right there is zero evidence of danger of bed sharing with a new born (breastfeeding or not makes no difference, your brestfed baby is no different to a bottle fed baby). Again why even mention the precautions of not smoking or drinking if you don't already smoke or drink? That's like me saying I will not leave my gun loaded, when I don't own a gun.....
Further more you are extending gap between yourself and your partner, which is probably one of the last things you want to do. Make changes, and as many have said start helping with the night shift. Your partner isn't off work doing nothing while you go to work, she is working hard caring for your son whilst you are going to work.
From one idiot to another, stop being an idiot.
Soldato
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My wife was breast feeding in the beginning but she had complications so was in hospital for about 5 days so it was a real struggle.
Best thing we ever did was to ditch that and go on to bottles, i know that's not for everyone and all the medical people make you feel like a total failure but for us it meant my wife didn't have to be up at every feed so i could do 1 or 2 feeds in a row in the night to give her some proper sleep which was a total game changer. We now alternate the feeds in the night that our daughter is almost 4 months old so you get a good few hours of sleep at a time.
If you can get her to express that does help a bit, we did that but as my wife's milk never came in fully due to complications at the beginning it was an up hill struggle. It's only really when you start expressing you can see how much milk your producing and you may find the baby isn't getting enough which is why they're wanting to feed every hour.
Also just sleep whenever you can, i would and sometimes still do sneak off at my lunch break to get my head down for 30-40 mins in work, makes a big difference.
Best thing we ever did was to ditch that and go on to bottles, i know that's not for everyone and all the medical people make you feel like a total failure but for us it meant my wife didn't have to be up at every feed so i could do 1 or 2 feeds in a row in the night to give her some proper sleep which was a total game changer. We now alternate the feeds in the night that our daughter is almost 4 months old so you get a good few hours of sleep at a time.
If you can get her to express that does help a bit, we did that but as my wife's milk never came in fully due to complications at the beginning it was an up hill struggle. It's only really when you start expressing you can see how much milk your producing and you may find the baby isn't getting enough which is why they're wanting to feed every hour.
Also just sleep whenever you can, i would and sometimes still do sneak off at my lunch break to get my head down for 30-40 mins in work, makes a big difference.
I disagree with most of this strangely, and I have 2 children myself. The youngest being 11 months and during the first 7 months, she also woke up every single hour of the night. It entirely drained both of our souls and we definitely ended up in more heated situations, but the key point for us was to remember why we were rattier and just agree to sometimes disagree and move on.
OP suggested he picked up some flowers, why should he be expected to buy a 'push present' for his OH to be more accepting of him?
The OH spent 9 months being pregnant and even if it wasn't planned, they still went ahead with it, which means they made some fundamental decisions, one of them being that she would try and breast feed.
Your advice regarding the baby starting on a bottle, if the breast feeding is going well enough to continue with, is absolutely ridiculous. The benefits of breastfeeding (if they're lucky enough to do it, of course) are HUGE compared to a bottle. Expressing is obviously fine, but this is more advantageously used if baby is left with a relative, or similar, for example.
From the OH's perspective, booking time off work does very little I'm afraid, unless he of course works nights. We all know that we operate on our typical body clock, sleeping in the day is one of the hardest things to adapt to unless you're already doing that as part of a routine. Very little sleep can actually worsen things as you become irritated that you then haven't had enough. My suggestion would be to ask your partner to express enough Milk when baby is sleeping and when you feel you can manage 4-6 hours out the house at the weekend, leave her to get some rest, and not disturbed by you still being in the house with the baby crying.
Babies are very much aware of their surroundings when in the womb, if the OH spent a lot of time around loud noises and activity, then putting them in a completely silent room is likely to be harder than expected, and vice versa!
Teats can be picked up in lots of various shapes, textures and most importantly with different hole sizes. Why on earth are you cutting the hole larger yourself?? This could inadvertently lead to more milk coming out than expected and temporarily choking the baby.
Hardest thing in the world and soul sucking, I would however agree with
Our baby is 8 weeks old and everything in the OP is relatable. Your missus feels like a walking feeding machine and it's exhausting for her. The lack of sleep is brutal at this stage and both of you feel entitled to your own time so get quite tetchy.
Find a grandparent to babysit and go out for a meal together. Helped us get perspective.
She also needs to attend some group classes to meet other mothers in same situation..
Find a grandparent to babysit and go out for a meal together. Helped us get perspective.
She also needs to attend some group classes to meet other mothers in same situation..
Love this advice @Hedge.
Soft plays or organised baby groups are a godsend and provide a perfect platform for the OH to relate and vent with others
Getting just one evening together, without the child, will also make a HUGE difference!
Soldato
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NVM
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Thanks but no thanks for the advice. Happy to take advice from sensible people (including many in this thread) but not from someone clearly talking out of their arse.
The research that's been done does show that breastfeeding is a risk factor in bedsharing deaths (why, I don't know). One piece of research looking into bedsharing deaths talked about here showed that every single bedsharing death in one part of the US was down to factors other than bedsharing specifically. So alcohol/drug use, smoking, sleeping on an unsuitable surface (like a sofa or waterbed), the bed being overcrowded and — yes — the baby being formula fed:
https://www.laleche.org.uk/bedsharing-breastfeeding-risk-sids/
We've also been advised by multiple midwives/breastfeeding specialists that bedsharing is safe as long as you take the necessary precautions and the baby is breastfed.
To me that implies feeding formula will lead to the baby eating more and will find it easier as there is a much more controllable flow of Milk... Maybe I'm wrong, but if that is indeed what was being suggested, then I'll stick by my comment.
Massive advantages being able to assist with feeding, and where breastfeeding isn't an option, then fair enough, but that is a completely different scenario to the OP, so we'll stick to the topic. Feeding expressed milk I am in total agreement with. Purposely feeding formula because it 'helps' when breast milk is available, not so much. The body will naturally start to reduce milk supplies based on the demand, hence when you stop feeding over a prolonged period, there's no goin back
(not telling you how to such eggs, just getting my point across!)Otherwise I was simply pointing out that it isn't always that easy to nap when baby naps... specially in the middle of the day... Besides that, who is going to wash the dishes?!
Soldato
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NVM
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I have said nothing different, advise wise, to others in this thread, yet I am talking out of my arse and they are not....ok. Would you like to point out exactly which advice I have offered is coming out of my arse?
No NHS midwife would tell you bedsharing is safe. I know, we have one in the family, very experienced, and if they tell you that bedsharing is safe they risk a lot more then their jobs if something terrible was to happen.
Lets also link to a proper piece of information shall we, from a well know medical organisation.....
https://www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/sharing-a-bed-with-your-baby-ups-risk-of-cot-death/
"The researchers found a fivefold increase in the risk of SIDS associated with bed-sharing in breastfed babies who were under three months old, had parents who did not smoke, and when the mother had not had any alcohol or drugs.
The risk of SIDS was even higher when the parents smoked, drank or used drugs."
Also lets go and see what the RCM has to say on the matter:
https://www.rcm.org.uk/news-views-and-analysis/news/nice-updates-guidance-on-co-sleeping
Midwives would have told you the risk, not that it was safe.
So now that's all a bit clearer you might want to actually pay attention to something that is putting your baby at significant additional risk, and creating more of a gap between you and your partner...you know the thing you came here for advise on.
Soldato
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Kissenger you need to calm down. bed sharing with an infant is not a good idea, period. It only takes a single moment like...wait for it...being exhausted for a mistake to happen. Syla is giving you solid advice. You need to drop your defences and listen.
Soldato
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why don't we get a "we spunked inside our wife" present after having sex?
To be fair, he's asking advice about managing his relationship with his wife and being a new parent, not advice on cosleeping. My daughter's mother willfully ignored all the advice about cosleeping and chose to continue despite my best efforts to convince her otherwise. For every child that dies of SIDS as a result of cosleeping, you'll find 10 that were "just fine". You're not going to change human behaviour, if a mother believes that that's the best way of doing it then you won't change their mind.
I'd personally like a present after spunking in @Ace Modder's wife too.