Advice for a new dad (arguing after newborn)...

[h4rm0ny]

Newborns are horribly stressful all round. Neither of you will be fully your normal selves under the constant crying, sleep deprivation and sheer unreasonableness of babies.

We evolved to be communal creatures. She should be sitting round the fire with a bunch of other mothers and an extended family of grandparents and older children sharing the burden whilst you and your fellow males try to bring down a mammoth. But in modern society, we try to do everything by ourselves and it kills us. Just accept this will be a terribly hard time for both of you, do anything you can to get support from family, close friends, etc. And promise to survive this period with your marriage intact.

 

[Hades]

I've already replied to the OP earlier in the thread. So what I'm about to say now is in no way aimed at him or his wife. But the more I think about this push present topic the more I find it a symptom of today's "me, me, me, buy me something, I deserve it, I'm entitled to it... now!!!" society. I had to google it to find out more about it and it seems like it really is a thing that's gaining momentum here. Seriously why do people expect a present for giving birth? Isn't the baby enough of a gift to each other than expecting material things too?

Does the woman give the man something for everything he does for her and their family over their lifetime?

If either of them has a particularly stressful day at work should the other get them a gift to say thank you?

Do people here really fall for this? Honestly if my wife had expected a push present for either of our two kids then I would have instantly known I'd married the wrong person and told her what I thought of it. I'm shocked (but not at all surprised in today's world) that some people expect this. Looking around it seems that some people get jewellery and even cars. If this trend continues it won't just be arguments over whether the father bought the mother a present but why they didn't get the mother a good enough present. "Kylie next door got a £10k diamond ring and all you got me was this stupid £1k handbag! You monster! You obviously don't love me and your son/daughter!"

 

[bushmins]

Let's all hark back to the days when you could have given her the hairy side of the hand on your way out to the pub for some peace.

Advice from a man's man, that's what we need.

Dont forget the rule of thumb!

Yep, my thoughts are the same. Showed my wife the thread and she agrees

Is your 'wife' 6'6" and work at the docks? Gotta ask, you never know now-a-days. :d

a lot of people in this thread seem to be fixated on the "push present", its a very femmine attribute to concentrate on one thing and blow it out of porpotion. Do we have more female posters here than I originally thought or are men becoming women? I loved Forever War, its definataly sums up the world around us. But as usual the real world goes and makes it more twisted than an author ever could.

I'm no hippy, but I'm a free thinker. People are much more happy when they find the good in things around them. The internet is a very grumpy place.

 

[McGraw]

It’s almost like people seem to have children without realising how hard it will be and failing to make contingency plans around common difficulties.

 

[Andybtsn]

It’s almost like people seem to have children without realising how hard it will be and failing to make contingency plans around common difficulties.

I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for it mentally, yeah you can buy all the stuff needed but it's still a massive change that you just naturally cope with. It does need personality traits of the Mum/Dad that make it easier though.

 

[McGraw]

I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for it mentally, yeah you can buy all the stuff needed but it's still a massive change that you just naturally cope with. It does need personality traits of the Mum/Dad that make it easier though.

You can have a plan b/c etc.

 

[Andybtsn]

You can have a plan b/c etc.

Not really, all babies are different, you'd end up from plan A to H. Also, parents cope differently, again you can't comment until you're in that position.

 

[Orionaut]

Newborns are horribly stressful all round. Neither of you will be fully your normal selves under the constant crying, sleep deprivation and sheer unreasonableness of babies.

We evolved to be communal creatures. She should be sitting round the fire with a bunch of other mothers and an extended family of grandparents and older children sharing the burden whilst you and your fellow males try to bring down a mammoth. But in modern society, we try to do everything by ourselves and it kills us. Just accept this will be a terribly hard time for both of you, do anything you can to get support from family, close friends, etc. And promise to survive this period with your marriage intact.

Exactly, Looking after a newborn/toddler is a 24/7 activity. 2 adults on their own cannot really do it and stay sane.

There is a theory that the reason why Human (And some other long lived social species, though not many) Females have a menopause (When they are still quite young and fit really) is to allow them a better chance of becoming Grandmothers who will help their daughters raise their children.

Moving from the traditional extended family (Which was still quite common even in the 60's) to the modern Nuclear or even single parent model has all sorts of disadvantages (It is even bad for the environment too! Extended families are far less resource and energy intensive)

 

[OLDPHART]

We got this advice of a midwife 3 things> nappy > feed > soothe them[ by gently talking to them and rock them in your arms]

If there tired they will go back to sleep, after trial and error you'll find out what suits your baby.

Its hard the first few months, loved every moment changed nappies, fed them the works.

Make the best of it they sharp grow up.

 

[Syla5]

While I was still on paternity leave I did get up whenever baby cried to check his nappy and try and comfort him (except for one night when I was knackered and just slept through — again, for which I apologised), but I'm not doing that now that I'm back at work. And besides, the other half is now sleeping in the spare room because it's easier/safer to bed-share without me also being in the bed (I know not everyone approves of bed-sharing, especially with newborns, but we're taking all the necessary precautions — no drinking or smoking, being careful with bedsheets/pillows, etc — and given the lack of sleep we are at that point where we will try anything).

TL;DR: I'm dad to a newborn, helping with housework and nappies during the day, but leaving it to mom at night. Mom is ****** with me. Am I out of order?

Really don't even entertain this, let alone encourage and make it easier to do. The fact you mention you are taking all the precautions such as no drinking or smoking is concerning, mum shouldn't be drinking anyway especially while breastfeeding and only 3 weeks after birth, and smoking shouldn't be being done at all, not in the house, not out of the house, not any time you are going to go near your baby within hours.

It seems a lot of the issues are stemming around feeding and how much time is spent feeding, and how impactful it seems to be. Have you discussed your wife expressing so that you can really help out with the night shift or even a few during the day to help her out to get a proper break / sleep??

Have you considered formula if expressing isn't an option??

******* push present...this isn't America GTFO. Unless some freak reality change happened to your wife I suspect she was already materialistic / high maintenance and you've probably spent years supporting this behaviour then encouraging it and it really does come across a little spoilt bratish, and now she is having to deal with a new born baby taking up all her precious "me time" and really hasn't prepared for it, which is why she sounds like such a dragon.

Its concerning to say this, but early signs are that this is baby of inconvenience, poor child.

 

[Deleted member 651465]

My ex had our daughter 8 years ago, and it was pure hell. A lot like you describe...

For the first 2 years she wouldn't sleep more than a few hours (usually less than 2) which meant we were both wrecked and angry at each other. Being bottle fed, I normally had to get up in the night but I can't explain how time seems to slow down when you're awake and downstairs at 5am because the baby won't go back to sleep. When I got home, the baby was my responsibility because she'd "had her all day" which irritated me to no end, but I got on with it and took it on the chin.

Perseverance is the key.. that's all I can say. Whenever my daughter stays over* she's good as gold. If she wakes up early she simply switches her TV on and stays in her bedroom until I wake up (normally 8am). Those sleepless nights eventually stopped and things got gradually better. She won't make a fuss unless she physically falls out of bed or has a nightmare, so I can't complain. Do not let the baby sleep in bed with you, unless you want to be sharing a bed with a 10 year old... I've seen loads of couples (my brother included) that fell in to that short-term trap.

I'll tell you what I used to get seriously bitter about are those new parents you bump in to at the supermarket that say "oh, yours wakes up every 2hrs? ours have slept all night since day 1"... you can see them talking whilst you feel the anger inside. Is it something you're doing wrong? How do they do it? How come they get to sleep all night and I've got to go home to be tortured at Guantanamo Bay? Don't let it bother you, every child is different and you'll find a method that works.

Now, some advice that I got later down the line (from someone that I know who fosters a lot of young babies)... if the baby is restless in the cot, take it out of the warm blanket and go stand in a cool part of the house i.e. by the back door where the air is a lot cooler than the bedroom. Wait 5 minutes before you try putting it back down in the cot, supposedly his theory is that the bed then feels extra comforting and warm (unlike the cool door way) and the baby goes back to sleep. He swears by it so apart from feeding, it might be worth a shot if you're struggling.

* - the constant arguing led to the downfall of our relationship, so I now only see her every other weekend. I could have done more in hindsight but at the time I felt like I was doing loads. Don't be this guy.

 

[McGraw]

Not really, all babies are different, you'd end up from plan A to H. Also, parents cope differently, again you can't comment until you're in that position.

If every scenario is unique I guess no one can comment then.

 

[ttaskmaster]

NVM

 

[Syla5]

https://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/06/...d0&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink

"A 2004 survey of over 30,000 respondents by BabyCenter found that 38% of new mothers received a push present, and 55% of pregnant mothers wanted one, though fewer thought it was actually expected. About 40% of both groups said the baby itself was already a present and did not wish an additional reward"
There's long been a tradition of bringing gifts for the actual babies, usually something immediately useful or something for the parents to keep for when they're grown up. I guess it's evolved into this Push Present thing.

Solid American source and survey.

 

[ttaskmaster]

NVM

 

[Wizzkidy]

Count yourself lucky you only squabble over such trivial things really, we did the same with our first. I'm three in with twins on the way in may wish me luck

On the 3rd child 3 months before he was born I was chucked out the house for 2 months without a decent reason, "emotional abuse" according to the wife, hormones mate, I survived round a mates for the time and before long she decided I could come back and has not mentioned it since, if I bring it up I'm told never to mention it lol....women mate it's part of the deal

 

[MoRT489]

For all you people railing against push presents take a step back and think about this. As civilised human beings we tend to celebrate momentous occasions in life with gifts, be it birthdays, weddings, passing exams, new job, retirement, etc, etc. It is totally normal to celebrate by giving presents. And if someone wants to give someone else a present then good for them, let them do it.

A birth IS a momentous occasion is it not? And your wife/gf did just carry a human inside them for 9 months at great physical expense (that will continue taking its toll on her body for at least the next year/forever). So think before accusing all these women of being money grabbing, self entitled so and sos, some of them are actually worth it.

BUT no one should ever expect presents to the point that they feel entitled to them, that is unreasonable. I gave my wife a push present with our first, I would have liked to get her something more extravagant but it was what I could afford at the time. Was she difficult, demanding hormonal imbalanced - of course she was, but do I love her for bearing our children - totally.

So get back in your box some of you who are moaning about self entitled millenials, sometimes people just do things because it’s nice.

 

[Musty Pie]

Count yourself lucky you only squabble over such trivial things really, we did the same with our first. I'm three in with twins on the way in may wish me luck

On the 3rd child 3 months before he was born I was chucked out the house for 2 months without a decent reason, "emotional abuse" according to the wife, hormones mate, I survived round a mates for the time and before long she decided I could come back and has not mentioned it since, if I bring it up I'm told never to mention it lol....women mate it's part of the deal

No its not.

But your happy to be told it is!

 

[Musty Pie]

So get back in your box some of you who are moaning about self entitled millenials, sometimes people just do things because it’s nice.

Clearly you didn't read the OPs post very well...

Then I woke up this morning and she's in a really bad mood and when I went to help try and settle the baby she said, "if I need your help I'll ask you" And she's just took the baby out to go and buy herself a 'push present' because I didn't get her one (although I did buy her flowers the day we came home from the hospital), so there's that too.

 

[fewfe3]

Consider getting a next to me crib, it helped my wife when she was breast feeding as she could move our daughter into it after feeding.

Although you definitely need to get them used to sleeping in a crib rather than on you or in your bed. Ours did this and it was a nightmare when they get older trying to get them into their own bed. Daughter still wants to sleep in our bed, but is getting better. As they get older they realise how they can get what they want. you have to be strong Nearly 2 now, and still doesn't sleep through the night.