Advice for a new dad (arguing after newborn)...

haz_pro · 4 Feb 2019 at 16:39

I'd seen all I needed to when I got to "push present". Unfortunately it seems like you're with someone who will never be happy with the amount of work share you take on. In my opinion you're doing your fair share (if not more), if she can't see that - fine - but don't beat yourself up about it.

If she feels that hard done by maybe offer to share the maternity leave so you can be around for long and help.

Keep trudging on, it's hard in the beginning either way, but especially so if the wife/huband feels hard done by.

Slam62 · 4 Feb 2019 at 16:45

Andybtsn said:
Not really, all babies are different, you'd end up from plan A to H. Also, parents cope differently, again you can't comment until you're in that position.

totally agree, people think they know but they don't, and you can't describe it because its beyond people's imagination

Syla5 · 4 Feb 2019 at 17:17

ttaskmaster said:
Yep.
Presumably by your remark, you buy absolutely nothing during Black Friday Week (as it has now become), or Cyber Monday?
Ever had a 'High School' Prom, or gone out for Hallowe'en?
Chowed down at McDonalds?

We're no longer little Mercia, but Little 'Merica...

There are very many social norms that occur almost exclusively in America still, clearly push presents are still that, and hopefully works stay that way, ******* jumped up materialistic ********.

Linking a 2004 survey from a NY times to try and justify that we should know what it is in the UK doesn’t help.

This today is the first time I’ve heard of it, and as my wife is a child minder, new children are ever present you would expect me to have more exposure to this sort of thing then the general public.

Dirk Diggler · 4 Feb 2019 at 17:37

McGraw said:
If every scenario is unique I guess no one can comment then.

Baby human beings are individuals just as adults are, of course every scenario is different. Why would that be justification to suppress and nullify the conversation?

itchy · 4 Feb 2019 at 17:43

I was lucky and nailed it in a few days, lucky for me my daughter did not take to breast milk on the 1st day she was born, so it was SMA all day.

So I done the night shift that feeding every 4 hours crap because there stomachs are so small. She done the day shift.

It was great I used to game all night and every now and again have to change the baby and feed the baby. She would get a full 8 to 10 hours sleep, as after giving birth they need to rest.

When she woke I made her a coffee and said the baby is fed and changed am off to kip as I was tired then we talking 9am, slept until about 4pm then got up made the tea and started gaming until 9am the next day.

Fatherhood bliss it was.

Dirk Diggler · 4 Feb 2019 at 17:44

itchy said:
I was lucky and nailed it in a few days

This is a conversation about parenting, not conception. :eek:

NoobCannon · 4 Feb 2019 at 17:52

itchy said:
I was lucky and nailed it in a few days, lucky for me my daughter did not take to breast milk on the 1st day she was born, so it was SMA all day.

So I done the night shift that feeding every 4 hours crap because there stomachs are so small. She done the day shift.

It was great I used to game all night and every now and again have to change the baby and feed the baby. She would get a full 8 to 10 hours sleep, as after giving birth they need to rest.

When she woke I made her a coffee and said the baby is fed and changed am off to kip as I was tired then we talking 9am, slept until about 4pm then got up made the tea and started gaming until 9am the next day.

Fatherhood bliss it was.

Guessing work never fitted into this arranegment anywhere

McGraw · 4 Feb 2019 at 18:01

String said:
Baby human beings are individuals just as adults are, of course every scenario is different. Why would that be justification to suppress and nullify the conversation?

It’s not but surely we can comment regardless of whether we’ve been in that exact scenario before or not?

itchy · 4 Feb 2019 at 18:01

String said:
This is a conversation about parenting, not conception.

Its not hard being a parent, feed them, make sure they clean and teach them right from wrong and don't worry too much.

Good food (that is very important in my OP) get out and about and everything just falls into place. Its called a routine and no one gets upset and everyone gets on fine.

itchy · 4 Feb 2019 at 18:06

NoobCannon said:
Guessing work never fitted into this arranegment anywhere

I was the stay at home dad, I was lucky as I had my own little business fixing computers and if I got a call I just said you bring the problem to me. Most where software issues so did not take up too much of my time.

She went to work and also got me work from her job for me to do at home at the same time, but from experience I ****ing hate laptops.

MoRT489 · 4 Feb 2019 at 18:08

Musty Pie said:
Clearly you didn't read the OPs post very well...

Read and understood, my post was directed at a load of responses aimed at all the bandwagon hopping posters who mentioned push presents **** that, not necessarily the OP.

fewfe3 said:
Consider getting a next to me crib, it helped my wife when she was breast feeding as she could move our daughter into it after feeding.

This is a great thing as well, worth the investment or ask other parents as you might be able to borrow one from someone.

jrodga2k5 · 4 Feb 2019 at 18:18

Mr Joshua said:
Push present, God almighty give me strength.

Was just thinking the same...sigh!

To the OP never been in the situation but from my friends experience in this, you just have to support each other as much as you can

Good luck!

Beerbaron · 4 Feb 2019 at 19:48

Mr Joshua said:
Push present, God almighty give me strength.

The present is giving birth to your child

Bigpig · 4 Feb 2019 at 21:35

This is standard. Get used to it. Anything you do from now on will never be right for the next 16 years at least.

Angilion · 4 Feb 2019 at 22:46

haz_pro said:
I'd seen all I needed to when I got to "push present". Unfortunately it seems like you're with someone who will never be happy with the amount of work share you take on. [..]

I agree. I think that's the whole point of the idea of a "push present" - it's symbolising that the father should pay tribute to the mother in the most literal way, like a vassal to their liege, acknowledging a great difference in status.

Ayahuasca · 4 Feb 2019 at 22:50

Do I get a push present for all the protein bricks I push out everyday?

itchy · 4 Feb 2019 at 23:07

Push present wtf. :confused:

What if they have a cesarean birth whats that called, a belly present. Its getting ridiculous, how many babies must I have lost just ejaculating for years with no host.

Same with women how many periods do you have in a life time and nothing happens because you ugly and fat.

Bring kids up good and screw hormonal women do your best. It can be a challenge sometimes but its just part of being a parent.

Flaevius · 4 Feb 2019 at 23:55

My advice:

Share the night-time routine as much as you can. Being at work the next day isn't an excuse, she will be working too, just in a different way. That gesture will be appreciated.
Consider using some of your annual leave to spend more time at home in the early days. Or a day a week/every couple of weeks. It will give you more opportunity to take some of the night-time routine or catch up on rest yourself.
Don't make a habit of bed-sharing. Fine in moderation, but constantly doing so can escalate quickly. My little one went through a period where he would not settle on his own after a few nights of sharing. This was at several months old rather than weeks. Short bursts of controlled crying got him back into the routine, but longterm it is a no-win situation.

All in all though, you've had a little tiff, nothing more. The ridiculous push present aside, she is annoyed because you aren't supporting during the night when she will be most tired, hormonal, aching from the breastfeeding and in the knowledge she will bear the brunt of it the next day when you aren't at home too. You sound like you are offering support, you can always do more, but equally don't beat yourself up unnecessarily.

Dirk Diggler · 5 Feb 2019 at 04:53

The focus on the "push presen"t is comical. Child birth can take a devastating psychological toll on the mother, and the perfectly rational woman you know can become very different. If she wants some token gift, then if your finances can handle it, buy her it. You don't need to understand it.

Keep a very close eye on your wife's mental health, you can't begin to know what's going on in her head. Your role is to support her, not school her.

itchy · 5 Feb 2019 at 05:13

String said:
Child birth can take a devastating psychological toll on the mother, and the perfectly rational woman you know can become very different. If she wants some token gift, then if your finances can handle it, buy her it. You don't need to understand it.

Keep a very close eye on your wife's mental health, you can't begin to know what's going on in her head. Your role is to support her, not school her.

No its not your problem, if she goes all psycho sally its not your problem its hers. I have seen it 1st hand and got on with it.

She was 33 and I was 34 she went nuts some days after my daughter was born, I just checked the baby was ok and GTFO of her way.

Screw keep an eye on her mental health she an adult she needs to deal with it. Not me am just a caring dad getting on with stuff.