Am I being unreasonable?

Kalexuz

Kalexuz

Kalexuz

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3 Oct 2013
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331
Just after some impartial opinions please as I'm convinced I'm not being a ****.

My partner of 6 years, now wife, married me knowing that I'm a "car guy"; apart from PC gaming, it's pretty much the only thing I've ever had an interest for...I pretty much enjoy all forms of motorsport and I even, actually, enjoy cleaning my car and so forth.

I once had a modified civic type R (EP3) which I had before I met my wife, and although I know it's no Ferarri it meant everything to me. It was only my second car and I decided, financially, it made sense for the greater good to sell it to clear the remainder of the loan off immediately when we wanted to apply for mortgages to buy our first house. It was painful to see it go.

I then had no car for a year and got a push bike through the ride2work scheme until I landed a secondment through my company that was some 20 miles away so I bought a cheap banger, a Honda Accord Y reg :o This was kept for 6 months or so before scrapping it and I resumed my substantive role at my companies head quarters in the town I live.

I then wanted another car, but something I liked again, so with much debate from my wife towards the idea of "getting us into debt", I took out another loan (£7,500) to buy another civic type R (FN2). I never really liked them when I had my EP3 but they'd grown on me over time so I went for it. This is the car I still currently own and it's probably worth around £5,500 with the balance of my loan being £3,500.

Nearly 3 years into the car ownership and I'm bored of it; it's not 5 door, it's a pain in the arse dropping my daughter off and picking her up several times a week. I just don't like it anymore so I'm looking at BMW 135i's second hand in the region of £20,000 (or potentially a brand new 140i on PCP for around the same monthlies) which would cost me about £330 a month either way, accounting for BMW warranty on a second hand car.

The above conversation has caused much disharmony in our marriage, to the point where we're practically breaking up over it (I've had to get a mortgage agreed in principal because of this to make sure I'll be secure). I pretty much feel as if I'm trapped and that anything I want is not attainable because she doesn't like debt (we have a mortgage btw).

I don't normally want to publish my earnings but this is my situation:

My take home salary was around £1,850 a month
I sacrifice £2,916 (I get £243 a month of vouchers) each year into childcare vouchers for our daughter to go a childminder
I buy £150 a month worth of shares in my company
Because I don't pay tax/NI on that £2,916 or the £150 share buy my final take home salary is now £1,595
My normal outgoings for bills + loan is £457
I have £1,138 left over

I'd say we spend around £75 a week on food. I probably spend around £60 a month in petrol. My e-cig costs me around £100 a month, so I'm left with around £600 after all that.

I think that spending an extra £200 a month on something I enjoy a lot is worth it. My wife thinks completely differently and thinks it's too much commitment and that I'm a massive knob head for arguing about it.

I've not even took into consideration that my wife works and although now part time due to our daughter being with us, is on about £1,300 a month take home. Her commitments are £490 mortgage (of which we choose to overpay £110 a month, so £600) and £165 finance agreement on a car so is left with about £550 a month but only has her phone bill to pay and car insurance, £60 for both. She chooses to donate about £40 a month to charity.

Am I being unreasonable about this? :confused:
 
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You're married, you both have to want it. IMHO that's too big a step up from what you have financially each month, I'd agree with your wife on this one. Get something in the middle ground with rear doors, I totally get it being a pain having a 3 door with kids, especially younger ones.

The fact you're looking at it as "well I put in, she puts in" is bad, you are a team and financial commitments will affect both of you regardless of who's paying, or doesn't. You should be totalling your income for both of you and outgoings, not splitting it like this, that makes no sense for a married couple with a child.

"I sacrifice £2,916 (I get £243 a month of vouchers) each year into childcare vouchers for our daughter to go a childminder", no you don't, that actually saves you money and frees up you AND your wife during that time to work or do other duties.
 
Not sure what 'growing up' is supposed to look like, I guess we all have our own ideas on that, but I'm talking strictly financial here. I'm convinced not everyone spending £300 a month on a car has no wife or children, surely.
 
Halfmad said:
You're married, you both have to want it. IMHO that's too big a step up from what you have financially each month, I'd agree with your wife on this one. Get something in the middle ground with rear doors, I totally get it being a pain having a 3 door with kids, especially younger ones.
Click to expand...

That was part of his point I thought? His current car is only a 3 door.
 
I just wrote a massive and honest piece of text but lost it all as I accidentally clicked the back button.

To summarise what I originally wrote;

You're married now. As much as it's your own money and you've already covered other things financially, part of being married means making compromises.

I'd say go for something in between. 20k is an aweful lot of money on a car when much cheaper cars will provide just as much fun and practicality.

As a last note. Is you being able to drive a fancy BMW really worth loosing your wife and potentially daughter for? I'll let you figure that one out.
 
A car is a form of transport nothing more nothing less.

Its just a car, buy a cheap run around and sort your debts out asap. ;)
 
Pay the loan off on the existing car as quickly as you can and save for the car you both want.

Agree a time frame with your wife on saving and you'll have something to look forward too.

The fact that you admit not liking a car you already have on finance should prove to you that taking another car out on finance isn't the greatest idea. I've never understood it myself. loan + interest on an item that greatly depreciates in value by the time it's paid off.
 
Arsonist said:
I
As a last note. Is you being able to drive a fancy BMW really worth loosing your wife and potentially daughter for? I'll let you figure that one out.
Click to expand...

That works both ways though.

Is her husbands choice of car really worth losing her husband and potentially her daughter for?
 
Is that "I" have X left over or "we" have X left over?

Doesnt your wife contribute?

Personally we dont really have seperate money, its all one big pot and we agree on what we want to spend between us. (Which is nice as wife earns more than me :D)

You need to agree on things, discuss what you want, try to come to a good compromise.

Dont agree a car is just a form of transport, its something that can bring pleasure to someone who likes cars. :)
 
If your wife had a hobby that was going to potentially cost you both £20k and you felt it was not needed would you allow her to continue?

Ie wife likes decorating. She's bored of how the house looks. Wants to spend 20k on doing it up. You think its not needed at all. Would you let her continue? Really? Honestly?

Why don't you spend the 'extra' money on activities with your wife and kids? Surly that will be more bang for buck than getting a new car? Most men love cars. But most of us also know that its a toy and once you have it its only a matter of time till you get bored of it.

Its not a logical purchase. Its an impulse buy based on what you WANT. If your wife also had similar desires you would be broke 24/7 right?
 
Thanks for the responses all. I guess the pretty much unanimous comments that I'm being a fool wasn't what I wanted to hear but mostly everything that has been said to counter my logic had crossed my thought process at some point already.

I think the ultimate reality that I find myself nearly in is us getting divorced and then still not having the "BMW" anyway because suddenly I have a single life to pay for as well.
 
You'll probably need to put that car money aside for a deposit on a house seeing as you have already agreed a mortgage in principle for moving out! Does your wife even know you did that?
Sounds like you already seem to be making your decision putting a £20k car above your family.
Why do you need such expense. A nice, FAMILY sized saloon being a couple of years old could be had for less than 10k?
 
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