Asking the father

RetiredGreyFox · 14 Jul 2015 at 07:36

Xordium said:
I don't understand all this get in the good books business.

Some of you are acting as though the daughter as just walked through the door with a bloke you've never met.
Most couples have been together years and know their prospective In Laws very well, I go drinking with my future Son In Laws.
I want to see the embarrassment on their faces when they ask me.

Freefaller · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:10

Of course it is not required. But to call it demeaning and ridiculous is daft.

Judging people because they like or expect to do something that is a bit traditional when you do not know anything about their relationships or the people with whom they are dealing is equally a pretty myopic stance to take.

I wouldn't judge negatively someone for not doing it, though I would approve of someone who decided to do it. People do seem to like to show indignation over something so trivial.

The_Abyss · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:17

I told him that I was going to ask her, and wanted to share what the plans were - surprise trip to Italy on the pretence of her birthday. I thought he'd like to know, and would appreciate being one of the very few people that knew what was happening in advance.

He really appreciated being told - I think it was a proud Dad moment for him. We'd been living together for 9 years already, so it was actually something of a surprise.

Freefaller · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:19

Exactly, it sometimes is about the other person - my father in law was beaming with pride when I asked. He was thrilled.

Zefan · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:22

Did you ask the mother too?

Cosimo · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:25

Zefan said:
Did you ask the mother too?

Too early for that.

RetiredGreyFox · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:27

I always regret not asking my Father in Law. I was the only one out of five Son in Laws who didn't ask. We'd been together 6 years and just walked in and announced it.

The_Abyss · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:28

Zefan said:
Did you ask the mother too?

I didn't ask the father, I told him. And no, I didn't ask the mother because I know that my now wife wouldn't have wanted her to know before she did.

Leeroy Jenkins · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:33

Don't know if I could do it or not. Seems like such a weird tradition because if the dad says no are u really going to walk away from the girl?

So for me there is no point in asking as it won't make a difference what he says. She still has to say yes at the end of the day and imo it's just a meaningless tradition that shouldn't be there.

peige · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:49

I think its a nice thing to do, especially if your wtb is really close to her father. Mine isn't and has a bit of a dodgy relationship with him so it wouldn't have been right.

If my daughters bf had asked me i'd have told him no, he asked her for all the wrong reasons, 4 weeks after he met her at the age of 17 just as she was about to move away and he thought he would lose her. Oh and he is generally a loser, I will change this opinion when he has had the same job (or even a job) for more than 3 months (he is now 21). Good job he didn't ask me really

The IPB · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:53

I did, it's a nice tradition and I get on with the father in law anyway, just went round had a chat and a laugh and went home.

spoffle · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:58

Freefaller said:
Of course it is not required. But to call it demeaning and ridiculous is daft.

Judging people because they like or expect to do something that is a bit traditional when you do not know anything about their relationships or the people with whom they are dealing is equally a pretty myopic stance to take.

I wouldn't judge negatively someone for not doing it, though I would approve of someone who decided to do it. People do seem to like to show indignation over something so trivial.

Freefaller said:
Exactly, it sometimes is about the other person - my father in law was beaming with pride when I asked. He was thrilled.

It's all about the context

kaptainmarc · 14 Jul 2015 at 08:59

I did, Went round had some beers and asked him, he said "about ****** time" told me I'm mad and carried on drinking beer.
Unless your a waste of space I doubt they would say no, and if they did you must have really done something to upset them

spoffle · 14 Jul 2015 at 09:00

must have?

elmuzzy66. · 14 Jul 2015 at 09:17

I didn't. She wasn't his property to ask.

HugsHeal · 14 Jul 2015 at 09:26

I didn't ask permission but I did tell her mum what I was planning and she was thrilled.

My fiancée doesn't see much of her dad so his response would have been meaningless. She was very close to her stepfather and were he still alive I'd of certainly asked for his blessing.

Selekt0r · 14 Jul 2015 at 09:28

Daughter's boyfriend asked me just last week. I said 'yes' (of course) as they have been going out for 7 years (and I'm sure would ignore me anyway if I had said 'no'). Whilst he is not the ultimate 'catch' and is unlikely to ever be a high earner they clearly love each other and should hopefully be able to make each other happy.

I know from bitter experience that parents really should not make negative comments about their children's choice of partner (unless they are really 'dangerous' such as violent or a druggie - and even then, trying to steer them away is a tricky prospect).

My parents didn't like my girlfriend (now wife of 25 years) and made it pretty obvious when we were first going out and then got engaged - the context being that she is not as academic/educated as me and pretty outspoken. Phrases like 'you could do better than...' and 'are you sure...?'. Bottom line is that they ended up damaging their relationship with myself and my wife (and now their grandkids) - not to the point that we don't speak or see them or anything, but just that we don't make a big effort to spend time with then as it is awkward.

CaptainRAVE · 14 Jul 2015 at 09:30

Meh, I didn't.

chroniclard · 14 Jul 2015 at 09:33

I didnt, get on well with father in law.

Other people cant tell you, circumstances differ, HTFU and work it out yourself.

spoffle · 14 Jul 2015 at 09:36

Selekt0r said:
Daughter's boyfriend asked me just last week. I said 'yes' (of course) as they have been going out for 7 years (and I'm sure would ignore me anyway if I had said 'no'). Whilst he is not the ultimate 'catch' and is unlikely to ever be a high earner they clearly love each other and should hopefully be able to make each other happy.

I know from bitter experience that parents really should not make negative comments about their children's choice of partner (unless they are really 'dangerous' such as violent or a druggie - and even then, trying to steer them away is a tricky prospect).

My parents didn't like my girlfriend (now wife of 25 years) and made it pretty obvious when we were first going out and then got engaged - the context being that she is not as academic/educated as me and pretty outspoken. Phrases like 'you could do better than...' and 'are you sure...?'. Bottom line is that they ended up damaging their relationship with myself and my wife (and now their grandkids) - not to the point that we don't speak or see them or anything, but just that we don't make a big effort to spend time with then as it is awkward.

Oh wow, this is so pathetic. Is the snobbery remotely justified, or at least explainable from their perspective?