I hold the devilish thing by the stem and pop it into my mouth. I chew, fast. For 10 seconds, I taste a pleasant fruity aroma. Then it starts burning. Tears stream from my eyes.
I love spicy food: vindaloo, no problem, and I can just about eat the very hottest phall. But nothing has prepared me for this. The fire hits my throat and then goes into my ears. My ears! They ache terribly. My legs wobble. Punch-drunk, I slump on a garden chair.
Woody brings milk. It dulls the pain in my mouth, but the second I swallow it, the agony returns. "It's like passing your hand over a flame, isn't it?" nods Woody. "Like an out-of-body experience."
After five minutes, the heat subsides to phall level. The ear agony goes. Now I can feel it in my stomach. But I feel good too: high and dizzy, as if drunk. Two hours later, I am burping hot chilli and feeling exceedingly odd.
Woody is impressed by my recovery. But what happens next? "Let's be honest here. It's got to come out again," he says. "But it's not going to be as bad as when it went in." (Author's note: Don't try this at home, kids. Please.)
