Busted relationship/cheating partner

[Dugganator]

Erm men have affairs too, let's not just blame all the women. How would you prove that a man had done something wrong in a relationship anyway? A woman wouldn't get all the money either. If a woman has a lot of money then she has to give money to the man in the event of a divorce as well. I thought the CSA was being disolved or did I dream that?

If you read what i wrote I did say men have affairs I'm not saying they dont my point is that women get a much better deal. They can have an affair and still get everything which I personally think is wrong. Both ways if the man is cheated on or has an affair gets the same result. How can that be fair to say that a women can cheat and still get the house, car etc etc. And if the father wants to have the kids he doesnt stand a change if the mother wants them even if shes the one that cheated court system sucks. I think they should change things thats what I'm saying to make it fairer to the person that was cheated on whether thats a man or women.

 

[dustiestrat]

I agree but the op and his partner have gone beyond that and need to work on what to do now.

i agree aswell the op are well past the discussing wrongs in relationship. i was just commenting on wall. post about 2 different adulteries which to me is rubbish. i think the op need to be looking at leaving his partner.
she doesnt repect him enough to be honest and admit her mistakes and ask to be forgiven and she's speading the blame and dirtying his name to make herself look better. it'll be hard specially for the kids but in long run better for them i mean how wil they turn out living in a house full of resent and mistrust.

 

[wordy]

to be honest imo there's only one type of adulterer the unfaithful kind if theres summin missing in the relationship you dont go out and sleep with the nearest person you talk and discuss whats missing,if it can be fixed and if not then you need to think about breaking up.

Good post.

Absolutley spot on.

 

[Richdog]

Personally after that horror stry I would salvage my pride and dignity and dump the woman, ensuring it's done as amicably as possibly with minimal upset to the children given the circumstances.

There is simply NO chance in hell I could ever trust her again, especially not after that. Her having the cheek to go to the solicitors to get you in trouble about the video afterwards speaks volumes... she sounds like a real piece of work. I really feel sorry for you mate and I hope you pull through.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Not quite what ever you want.

Recording is allowed, its not an invasion in any way if its your own house, same go's for place of work securiy ect. And as for there being something missing in the relationship, thats why people have to talk to eachother if they have issues then they can be addressed with no harm to the relationship. AFAIK there were no issues as she had brought anything up in the past that bothered her and so had I, that way we always got along and things never had a chance to drive us apart.

 

[MookJong]

I think in todays society a growing number of people are that vain & selfish that all they care about is themselves and getting their own cheap thrills.

I think there a re a lot of weak people out there who don't really understand themselfs and have a lack of self control. People seem to follow their urges more than ever these days and use drugs or drink or food or sex to fill in the part of their lives that feels lacking.

Communication is key at this point, you need to know why she did it before you can decide to stay with her or not. If she doesn't know why she did it or is confused I would say GET OUT, because she is clearly not in control of herself and it will probably just happen again. If she is willing to open up and talk then listen and take it from there but it sounds unlikely to me.

 

[Chopper]

a few questions if i may? do both of you work or is your partner a housewife? you mentioned you have an illness and are partially paralysed, would this stop you from looking after yourself and/or the children?

if you are in a position to look after the children full time, then i would pack all her stuff and have it ready for her coming home, kids already in bed, or round at YOUR parents. ask her to tell you everything, and explain why, then ask her to phone everyone she lied to regarding what she done, if at any point she refuses tell her to take her pre-packed belongings and leave the house, and visitation rights will be agreed through your lawyer.

if you cant look after the kids full time, then you have a choice either she comes clean to you and all family concerned and you forgive her and live together, or you will have to move out and pass on the proof of her infidelity to all concerned.

some main things i would make sure happened:

1. she comes clean 100% to you.
2. she comes clean 100% to ALL friends and family, if not the proof is distributed.
3. the kids are always elsewhere and never find out the reason why you split up until they ask when they are older/mature
4. people dont change, once a cheat always a cheat, if she cannot own up and you cannot forgive her, then its a disaster waiting to happen.
5. truly sorry mate, but my girlfriend done the same to me, she was 9 years older and had 2 children to a previous marriage, my life has never been better since kicking her to the kerb, she now lives in a council house in a war zone of an council housing scheme, living in perpetual debt. just think of karma, cos she got hers.
6. i knocked 7 bells out of the other guy, i would avoid that move, as the potential criminal record is not worth it.

 

[Dugganator]

Recording is allowed, its not an invasion in any way if its your own house, same go's for place of work securiy ect. And as for there being something missing in the relationship, thats why people have to talk to eachother if they have issues then they can be addressed with no harm to the relationship. AFAIK there were no issues as she had brought anything up in the past that bothered her and so had I, that way we always got along and things never had a chance to drive us apart.

as dustiestrat said (not in these words). You should talk and try and work things out if it doesnt work out break up and find someone new after all other things have been tried. Not jumping into bed with the first piece of meat that takes a second look. Its that simple and thats the reason I would say to anyone that has been cheated on to find somone new. The only time i think its ok is when the other person tells you they have cheated and released what a massive mistake it was. And then its your decision whether you believe them and trust them.

Your find someone better dude. Maybe someone that has been there and understands how it is to be hurt and will never do it to you before at least talking to you and working things out

 

[Dugganator]

I think there a re a lot of weak people out there who don't really understand themselfs and have a lack of self control. People seem to follow their urges more than ever these days and use drugs or drink or food or sex to fill in the part of their lives that feels lacking.

Communication is key at this point, you need to know why she did it before you can decide to stay with her or not. If she doesn't know why she did it or is confused I would say GET OUT, because she is clearly not in control of herself and it will probably just happen again. If she is willing to open up and talk then listen and take it from there but it sounds unlikely to me.

Well said dude.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

a few questions if i may? do both of you work or is your partner a housewife? you mentioned you have an illness and are partially paralysed, would this stop you from looking after yourself and/or the children?

if you are in a position to look after the children full time, then i would pack all her stuff and have it ready for her coming home, kids already in bed, or round at YOUR parents. ask her to tell you everything, and explain why, then ask her to phone everyone she lied to regarding what she done, if at any point she refuses tell her to take her pre-packed belongings and leave the house, and visitation rights will be agreed through your lawyer.

if you cant look after the kids full time, then you have a choice either she comes clean to you and all family concerned and you forgive her and live together, or you will have to move out and pass on the proof of her infidelity to all concerned.

some main things i would make sure happened:

1. she comes clean 100% to you.
2. she comes clean 100% to ALL friends and family, if not the proof is distributed.
3. the kids are always elsewhere and never find out the reason why you split up until they ask when they are older/mature
4. people dont change, once a cheat always a cheat, if she cannot own up and you cannot forgive her, then its a disaster waiting to happen.
5. truly sorry mate, but my girlfriend done the same to me, she was 9 years older and had 2 children to a previous marriage, my life has never been better since kicking her to the kerb, she now lives in a council house in a war zone of an council housing scheme, living in perpetual debt. just think of karma, cos she got hers.
6. i knocked 7 bells out of the other guy, i would avoid that move, as the potential criminal record is not worth it.

I fight everyday against my illness and it stops me doing nothing, I always looked at it like living with a thief that stole little parts from me as time went on. Now I discover I have been living with three thieves one was stealing my feelings and giving herself away and the other was a visitor who stole my friendship and the thing that meant the most to me my partner.

 

[LordSplodge]

She would most likely get the house and definitely with 3 children you would be the one that needed to find a new home. This happens in the majority of cases.

This is where the system fails. She commited adultery and so she should be punished by not getting access to the house. Now you can't kick the kids out so they should go to the father.

What a screwed up system.

 

[LordSplodge]

6. i knocked 7 bells out of the other guy, i would avoid that move, as the potential criminal record is not worth it.

First thing I would do if my wife had an affair if go round the guys place and knock him into last week. Screw a criminal record as honour is at stake.

Any way I would make sure I aggravated him enough so that he struck first. Hurray! Self defence!

 

[Dugganator]

This is where the system fails. She commited adultery and so she should be punished by not getting access to the house. Now you can't kick the kids out so they should go to the father.

What a screwed up system.

Thats what I have been saying. Its who ever cheated that should get the book thrown at them whether they are a man or women. Its just upsetting to see that even if the women cheats she still can get nearly everything. So unfair. Its must seem like a reward scheme to some women.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

This is where the system fails. She commited adultery and so she should be punished by not getting access to the house. Now you can't kick the kids out so they should go to the father.

What a screwed up system.

Actually she could have the house, I don't want it anyway its ruined and dirty after what she did in it if we work things out we move, if not I move but either way i won't stay here its got to be a clean house.

 

[LordSplodge]

Actually she could have the house, I don't want it anyway its ruined and dirty after what she did in it if we work things out we move, if not I move but either way i won't stay here its got to be a clean house.

However, if you got it you could sell and profit from her adultery.

 

[LordSplodge]

Thats what I have been saying. Its who ever cheated that should get the book thrown at them whether they are a man or women. Its just upsetting to see that even if the women cheats she still can get nearly everything. So unfair. Its must seem like a reward scheme to some women.

It's plain wrong.

 

[Dugganator]

However, if got it you could sell and profit from her adultery.

Yeah dude dont let her just have the house regardless of its state she was the one that cheated why should she get anything.

 

[Chopper]

i always wonder why people do this, trust is such an important thing, i always said to my ex, she should just have finished up with me and told me that she has had feelings for someone else and wanted to explore them, to do so she would have to finish with me.

jobs a good un, no one has been cheated on, and all is fine with the world, but unfortunately too many people want the love, safety and security that you offer them, and the lust, risk and adventure some little **** with a beckham haircut offers them.

 

[smelf1]

would not take her back especially as she keeps lying about it.

If you dont want to sell the house sign it over to your children at least they then keep the home and have it when the turn 18, dont let her get it.

My little sister is in the same boat, but we made sure the bloke signed over his half of the house to the child they have together and never be seen in the area again.

 

[Random Guy]

This is one of those situations where it would seem obvious to know how to react until it actually happens to you.

I m not surpsrised that you are considering forgiving her. Relationships that last as long as yours, and with kids, means a lot of shared memories, experiences and emotional baggage. I can't imagine how hard the thought of leaving that must have been for you.

The fact that she has gone and made things up about you are a result of her own desire to protect herslef. She is trying to insulate herself from any adverse effects, which is the standard self-preservation instinct. I do believe there is an option for you to re-concile and work it out but that is dependent on her being straight with you about what she did, and why. If she can't even get over that step then leave, because the major pain is what comes after, and how you both cope with, or banish the spectre of unfaithfulness from your marriage.

Your other option is the open road. I would advise talking with a solicitor with a view to establishing the likely outcomes of such a move.