Busted relationship/cheating partner

[Hitman_Leon]

What do I do?


I was curious about my partner who is 30, at the beginning of September last year so I started to leave a recorder hidden in the house. Reason for curiosity she had been getting txts from a guy who she went with for a while about 10 years back. Anyhow to cut to the chase there was nothing in it he got her number from a member of her family and she told him where to go. What I have found out though after 9 and a half years together is she was having a fling with a younger guy who I thought was a good friend and being 17 years my junior absolutely no threat on top of that he’s like one sorry excuse for a male scruffy, body odour ect ect and im no male model but I get funny looks when I say im 36 and I know I can still do the business having turned down/fobbed off and flat out refused a lot of ladies over the years for one simple fact I have a partner who I love and 3 great kids. With what I recorded I found out she had been going behind my back from the end of August beginning of September to the end of December.

I confronted her and she denied everything at the end of December then I left her only for one night and she said sorry and admitted some of it. My problem is I can’t and simply will not even attempt to forgive her until she comes clean for the whole of what went on, if she can’t say sorry for it all then she is not sorry for anything. I have tried and pushed and pushed to get the truth from her but she just will not budge. I have been the complete gent about things also, no raised voice, name calling or anything aggressive at all, she says I scare her to death by being so calm she says to me im like living with a ghost.

I know some will say I must be off my head ditch her and run, maybe I am, I have considered just taking a final leap and leaving everything behind in the most final way anyone can, my life is smashed to pieces and I would so like to find the thing that will glue it back together, that thing is trust, if she would trust me with all of the truth maybe I could trust her again one day but how do you get truth from someone who has told all her friends and family that im a mad man and I have made stories up about her going with a 19 year-old, because she also refuses to tell her friends and family what she did even after she said sorry to me. She told them all while I was trying to get her to say sorry that I was insane and just making up stories so I could leave her and the kids.

I have so much on and I don’t know how to get through any of this, on top of everything im looking at having major surgery later in the year for a problem to do with an illness I have. Im paralysed bellow both knees and my hands are partially paralysed but I keep in shape I have to weight train to keep the muscle I have and I box because its what I did all way through school. and now im practicing for an alpha male moment when I bump into the soon to be very sorry he ever messed in my life boy. I know he’s petrified of me and rightly so but the thing I want the most is her being truthful to me so I might forgive her and put things behind us.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Dont need them I got her on tape but she denies its her and says I messed with the tape or she says she was talking about something different, and I would rather jump off a cliff that go on one of those shows. I laid it on the line but she just blows up screaming and shouting, which after knowing her so long I know is her tactic when she is caught and is trying to avoid telling the truth about anything.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

They are the one and only reason I am even trying to put this thing back together, too young to tell anything to though. She has admitted to me that she would hav to move accross the other side of the country if any of her friends knew or family because she is embarrased. As for the living with a ghost bit, thats because I have been dead calm about the whole thing, and while/before it started we had the same relationship we always had, great in every way and we paid eachother the attention we always have from when we first met, even though we have been together so long we always have carried on with the same amount of attention towards eachother it never dropped off or got old or worn out.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

She dose know I recorded her, which is my right in my house because she tried to get me introuble for it and got laughed out of the solicitors before she said sorry to me and admitted to what she had done.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

If she was male she would be being fed though a tube right now if she had survived the initial encounter with my anger. I caught her more than talking on the recordings several times and could have found out at the end of september but for some reason or another I did not listen to the september one until a couple of weeks back, kicks self very hard for that mistake. I do have a get out of jail free card she says she would deserve to be cheated on and I should but I don't do things like that I play my hand and no additional cards. I did at one point before she addmitted some of what went on threaten to give everyone we know a cd of their greatest moments together, thats still an option. One thing though is the kids I don't want her to be thought of badly by the kids or have the kids embarrased in school if any of their friends heared their parents talking. I suppose one thing is overriding here I have too much of a sense of fair play even going to the lengths of allowing my fair play to hurt me. She could never stop me seeing the kids she has nothing on me I have never lifted a finger against her in any way, so if we did part ways access would be sorted in no time, and if she tried to say anything was my fault the recordings would find their way into my solicitors armoury prooving why we broke up and showing me to be the victim.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Wait a sec, she went to a solicitors because you recorded her?

Yes to try and get me in trouble for it, you can do what you like in your own home though.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Dude I have been in the same situation well kind of of. Basically I know how frustrating it is when you want the whole truth to be admitted to. In my case my ex was lying to my face saying that XYZ didn’t happen and I gave her all the time in the world to admit to it all. In the end I had proof that she was still cheating etc and when I presented her with this to which she broke down crying admitting all.

The point I'm trying to make is once they start lying like she has done it isn’t hard to lie again and as she has found out it seems easier to lie and hide things then tell the whole truth as it will show what a liar she truly is; so is clearly lying to hide the truth. The other thing that shows she really really doesn’t care for you as much as you hope is that she is making stories up to her friends and family about you. The reason she’s doing this is to make you look bad and take away the bad things she has done from there view. Once again I can relate to this and this is something I know to well. Even if you made mistakes etc she shouldn’t make things up its just out of order and once again is another lie.

The person you used to know and love is gone its that simple. I know its hard I have been there. You know you cant go back because she has lied so much and made you look bad. She wont change back into the person you used to know and even if she did think of all the damage she has caused with painting you as a mad man even thou you have proof. At the end of the day let her lie all she wants to her family/friends you know the truth and have proof. So she’s only making a fool out of her self.

Trust me its painful and is never easy a lot of people who have been there will never know because being rejected after along term relationship that in your eyes was amazing will take time to get over and with Kids on the scene will make nothing easy.

Its your call really but you will never have the person you want back its that simple and if you do go back with her your be checking on her all the time never really being able to sleep easy wondering what going to happen next or will she do this again.

Just take a bit of time to think dude your the only person that can make the decision and it wont be easy after all this time.

I know its like pointing a gun at your own head after she loaded it for me and wondering whats it going to be like after I pull the trigger or should I throw the gun so it hits her in the head and walk away.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Audio and video, but the video was clean thank god the audio made me do a bottle of glenmorangie

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Was it an audio or video recorder? What exactly did you find on it?




Someone was going to ask...

You had to be the one to ask for details, use your imagination, I found proof of people doing things they should not be doing .

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Not quite what ever you want.

Recording is allowed, its not an invasion in any way if its your own house, same go's for place of work securiy ect. And as for there being something missing in the relationship, thats why people have to talk to eachother if they have issues then they can be addressed with no harm to the relationship. AFAIK there were no issues as she had brought anything up in the past that bothered her and so had I, that way we always got along and things never had a chance to drive us apart.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

a few questions if i may? do both of you work or is your partner a housewife? you mentioned you have an illness and are partially paralysed, would this stop you from looking after yourself and/or the children?

if you are in a position to look after the children full time, then i would pack all her stuff and have it ready for her coming home, kids already in bed, or round at YOUR parents. ask her to tell you everything, and explain why, then ask her to phone everyone she lied to regarding what she done, if at any point she refuses tell her to take her pre-packed belongings and leave the house, and visitation rights will be agreed through your lawyer.

if you cant look after the kids full time, then you have a choice either she comes clean to you and all family concerned and you forgive her and live together, or you will have to move out and pass on the proof of her infidelity to all concerned.

some main things i would make sure happened:

1. she comes clean 100% to you.
2. she comes clean 100% to ALL friends and family, if not the proof is distributed.
3. the kids are always elsewhere and never find out the reason why you split up until they ask when they are older/mature
4. people dont change, once a cheat always a cheat, if she cannot own up and you cannot forgive her, then its a disaster waiting to happen.
5. truly sorry mate, but my girlfriend done the same to me, she was 9 years older and had 2 children to a previous marriage, my life has never been better since kicking her to the kerb, she now lives in a council house in a war zone of an council housing scheme, living in perpetual debt. just think of karma, cos she got hers.
6. i knocked 7 bells out of the other guy, i would avoid that move, as the potential criminal record is not worth it.

I fight everyday against my illness and it stops me doing nothing, I always looked at it like living with a thief that stole little parts from me as time went on. Now I discover I have been living with three thieves one was stealing my feelings and giving herself away and the other was a visitor who stole my friendship and the thing that meant the most to me my partner.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

This is where the system fails. She commited adultery and so she should be punished by not getting access to the house. Now you can't kick the kids out so they should go to the father.

What a screwed up system.

Actually she could have the house, I don't want it anyway its ruined and dirty after what she did in it if we work things out we move, if not I move but either way i won't stay here its got to be a clean house.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

I would rather ditch everything house the lot than deal with her as a liar. When I talk about moving up in jobs and taking greater pay and better cars ect all the stuff that go's with moving up she bursts into tears and says im just doing it because of what she has done and because I want to leave. She says im stabbing her and the kids in the back if I go, but these plans were made before anything happened and she knew what she was risking and maybe would loose if she cheated. I have a very secure future and she knows it, thats another thing will she only confess for that future or for her true feelings towards me if she has any. One thing though I got ready to go out about a week agao and she saw me in new threads all suited and booted and she burst into tears, she knows I could without effort replace her. I went out in November and when I got home she was asleep in the living room, she had told me not to wake her when i came in because she did not want to go to bed as we had a disagreement and I had accused her of what I later prooved. So I just went to bed on my own, heard her crying at 4am she thought I had pulled and gone home with another girl. I had been in since 12 and had gone out with her brother who got the same taxi as me and dropped me off first, I had done nothing. But just the thought of me doing anything broke her in half, she has feelings for me but she has to show them by being honest or the relationship can go nowhere.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

she's lying to you, to protect you being upset. thus she loves you.

thats what I thought but she thought I was going to put an end to myself full stop and never tried to stop me so I don't know anymore, although I wish it were true but the lies have to end or me and her have to end.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Recording and taking videos is boarderline creepy in my opinion, no idea why you stay around seems you are just making excuses.

Are the kids actually yours, i cant tell from your post? If not just leave you dont owe them or their mother anything, shes a cheating ho and sounds like a fantastic character by telling your family/friends/solicitor that shes been an angel and its you whos the problem.

Kids are mine, geneticly tested bacause of the muscle wasting I have and it would have shown up. Creepy but I would do anything to protect my back and without them I would never have found out and might have been cheated for years, I had cause for concern so I acted. you know I do sometimes wish I had not but what would burying my head in the sand bought me, more knives in my back probably.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Don't mean to sound cynical mate, but is sounds like she's having you on.

She did not know I was home so it was genuine upset, while she was crying she was leaving like 30 missed calls on my mobile and grabbed me like a woman posessed when she found out I was home sobbing like a baby.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Do you still love her? Do you see a future? People make mistakes, I'm not condoning what she did by any means but you have a 9 year relationship and 3 kids for a reason. My own personal opinion is if you love her you need to tell her what she has done is awful but forgiveable as long as everything is honest and open between you both. Good luck.

I love her, love her more than I should because im still here, If she came clean I would give her a chance, and I have told her exactly what you say above. I think that she sees it that what she has done is unforgivable and despite any promise I make about staying and I always keep them she thinks I will walk out weather she tells the truth or not. What I say is lying is the worse sin as by lying whatever you say about love is also a lie and liars have no love for themselves or anyone else because lies create mistrust and the stress and life turns to an everyday hell. if the lies end maybe we could work things out and she knows that but its weather she takes the chance and the lies end then I take the chance and give her one chance for us to work.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Its the trust I miss the most, everything was based on trust and without it I feel sick when I walk out of the door or when she dose. I am at that point where I don't even want to get up on a morning but the fact that I have not slept anyway and have not for the past two months pushes me out of bed as I can't lay there thinking anymore its the thinking constant thinking that tears your insides out and twists them round then smacks you in the face as you realise your still here and its all real and its not gone away. Im stuffed worn out no fight left in me and the thing is I have considered the worst option and still do every day since I found out. Im in pain and just want it to go away I really don't feel like another day of anything. There I spilled out my guts she broke me and I don't think anything can be fixed im a fighter but she drained all of it out of me.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

She dose not know because I have not told her but her valentines day gift will be a empty house, either she spills for the whole affair before then or im out the door while she is out me and all my stuff gone. And if I do go because she can't be bothered to save anything from this mess she made I never want to see or hear her again as far as im concerned she will be a none entity. I told she dose not have much time to fix things and she just blew up like a grenade, a sure sign of desperation to cover ones own butt. As for the the other party to my problem well, has anyone seen four brothers they back eachother and guard eachothers back, I have three brothers and me makes four. He can run from me because I can't run I would have to get him cornered because of being paralysed bellow the knee both legs but my brothers can run. Two play rugby and the other rides a fireblade where as mr back stabber rides a BMX likes to think he is some kind of street star because all the kids watch him on ramps. He will bump into one of my brothers or many friends or be cornered by me sooner or later and he will be very sorry after the telling off he gets. Im turning all alpha now my eyes probably glowed red all night im not getting angry and I can't get even for whats been taken but I will get as even as possible. Im going to make people see her for what she is I don't need to pass around the recordings of her having sex while I was out buying her christmas gifts I recorded her yesterday saying what she had done. Or rather saying what she will admit to and that will be the cd that all her friends and family get if she dose not confess. The way I see it is if you are going to be hung for stealing a horse you might as well say you stole the whole heard. And I have proof she did x rated proof she did while I was in the bath, she was in the kitchen resting her hands against the work surface right next to the recorder hidden under the bread bin. Also at the beggining of september her texts to him go from the friendly odd one a day right to seventy eight at first then fifty a day at least until she found out I knew how many she was sending at the end of december. I have her by the throat metaphorically speaking and she can eith choke on her own poison or she can spit it out and show one hell of a huge pile of sorrow for the huge pile of crud she dumped in my lap or she can go and do what she likes because I will, I booked a holiday yesterday to magaluf and celerbacy will not be on my mind at all.

Like I say she has well valentines day then like magic i will disapear if she won't fix things im gone, she will be expecting roses as usual on valentines day so I bought some yeasterday and put them in my brothers airing cupboard to die off and dry out, I will spray the dead roses Black and leave them with and empty envelope that says on the outside this is all of what I feel for you now.

 

[Hitman_Leon]

Dump her!

If I do dump her it will be in style on valentines day with the black painted dead roses and empty envelope with this is how I feel about you written on the outside.

very simple answer.

If you've got kids, try to sort it out and don't bother making her tell you every detail. She'll lie, you won't believe her and it'll always be in the back of your mind. Let it go and work together for the sake of the child.

If you haven't got kids, divide up the CDs and DVDs and go your seperate ways.

Anything in the middle (all these threats and what you going to do etc etc) is pointless and prolonging your pain.

Got the scars myself.

I won't be anywhere in the middle and won't allow it to eat at me any longer like I say above she has until valenines day for a full confession and im not asking for details just when and why it started thats all I want. None of the threats are violence im just saying I will leave her, I would not harm her ever I could never drop down to what I see as her level of morals, ie:not having any. And I have not threatened her in any way, I will never give her any amunition to use against me that she could use to stop me seeing my three children.