Cheating

[Kell_ee001]

In my opinion, it's never justifiable. If you have the need to do such a thing, something is up in your relationship, and you either need to break it off or talk things over and fix the issues, and then move on.

Agreed. Show a little respect for your partner and do the right thing.

 

[mctrials23]

Basically if you love someone i cannot see how you would want to sleep with someone else. When i was going out with my ex i saw other girls and thought shes hot but it never went any further and if i got chatted up by another girl id feel awkward and would feel bad after.

Iv got weird views on relationships but i would never ever cheat and its never right, one of my mates has screwed up everything after getting drunk and kissing a best mate. Basically she has lost 3 of her best mates over it.


Man up tho and tell the girl the truth, let her either forgive u or move on and find someone deserving of her love.

 

[Platinum Pete]

All these people saying if you really loved her then you wouldn't have slept with someone else:

I'm sorry but the human brain doesn't work like that. We are pre-designed to go for short term reward over long term happiness. It is part of our successful evolution. (Pinker, 1999)

So your primal instincts allow you to do stupid things. That doesnt mean what you did was in any way right, but just because you cant control your urges on one occasion doesn't mean that you don't love your partner any less.

on a side note.

If you keep it to your self and she doesn't find out, the feelings of guilt will go over time (although not completely) until you eventually remember the "event" as a lesson in life and you will never forget it. No doubt you will forever regret what you did but in the long run if you have any kind of moral worth, the memory should act as a deterant for this kind of activity in the future.

Pete

 

[Sic]

All these people saying if you really loved her then you wouldn't have slept with someone else:

I'm sorry but the human brain doesn't work like that. We are pre-designed to go for short term reward over long term happiness. It is part of our successful evolution. (Pinker, 1999)

So your primal instincts allow you to do stupid things. That doesnt mean what you did was in any way right, but just because you cant control your urges on one occasion doesn't mean that you don't love your partner any less.

seems you've got conflicting opinions on this matter. if you believe that primal instincts can override true love, then you obviously don't believe in true love. furthermore, we may have primal instincts (hell, if i see a sluttily dressed female who's easy on the eye when i'm out, she'll get the appreciative "bloody hell, she's quite fit") but that doesn't mean that we have to mount every single attractive female that's out there. if you're going to quote scientists/theories, try and make them a little more relevant.

although, i wonder how many people will use that as an excuse from now:

"honey, i've got something to tell you, last night, i cheated on you. but it wasn't my fault...it was my primal instincts and the fact that my brain is geared towards short term fulfillment, rather than long-term happiness. it's part of our successful evolution (Pinker, 1999). look it up; you'll see i'm not lying"

 

[mctrials23]

I thought that was the idea of evolution, we are able to control our instincts. Ive been single for about 6 months now but have managed to curb the will to go out and shag anything that walks. Id rather wait for someone special. If you need to cheat on a partner to feel good about yourself or enjoy a night out then there is some thing a little wrong.

 

[Dinomania]

Us girls (& prob boys too) will want to be told the truth.

If I had to choose between living in a relationship in which I felt completely happy and secure and in love while my husband/partner was screwing on the side without my knowledge, or being told about the cheating and ending the perfectly happy (from my side) relationship to go back to loneliness, I would go for the latter, even though I'd have been living in blissful ignorance with the former.

But of course, if I was in the former situation, and never found out, I'd never get the choice. The danger is keeping the secret for long enough, and trying to prevent the utter devastation it will cause if/when it finally slips out.

Another thing is that even when the guy owns up, like we want them to, the honesty doesn't automatically 'cancel out' the betrayal.

As much as we'll try not to think about it, to push it aside, we'll think about 'the other girl' on every kiss, or shag (depending on what was done), compare ourselves to her, wonder how you could do it, what is wrong with us, etc. It'll gnaw away until we can't take it any more and break it off. That however, is still preferable to not being told, and then 'finding out' and having to deal with a devastating bombshell.

Dude, do you tell her you love her? If you're in that deep, you're a bad man, and I feel for her. If you haven't got that far yet, for goodness sake just break it off and set her free.

 

[Rich_L]

As much as we'll try not to think about it, to push it aside, we'll think about 'the other girl' on every kiss, or shag (depending on what was done), compare ourselves to her, wonder how you could do it, what is wrong with us, etc. It'll gnaw away until we can't take it any more and break it off. That however, is still preferable to not being told, and then 'finding out' and having to deal with a devastating bombshell.

Exactly - hence why if you can forget about it as a one-off mistake and there's no chance of her finding out then may as well not tell her.

 

[SoSolid]

There's no excuses mate. You did a stupid thing and you're an idiot if you cheated on someone you love. You don't deserve her and trust me, one way or another she will find out sooner or later, that I guarantee!! You were man enouogh to cheat on her, so now let's be man enough to tell her what you did!

 

[Dinomania]

and there's no chance of her finding out

That's the clincher. How much do you trust 'Joe'? Or anyone else who knows? For the foreseeable future? Will Joe or anyone else in the know ever speak to someone who speaks to someone who speaks to someone who knows your gf and lets it slip off-hand one day without knowing the effect of what he or she is saying?

People talk, and then people get drunk and talk even more.'

EDIT: Or, can you trust yourself not to act slightly aloof or odd, triggering her suspicions?

 

[unwashed potato!]

i do think cheating is wrong, so so wrong and i class so many things other then sleeping with someone cheating, e.g. watching a film with a girl you think is hot after your gf has asked you not to, or even just checking out another girl or something like that in my opinion is cheating, and i dont do it, but i do feel that cheating is something that people view too much as terrible thing.

I just feel that isn't it human to be curious and want to find out more, so say for instance you see this amazingly beautiful woman isn't it human to question that you could have something much better with that person? people have been quesiton what they have and searching for better their whole lifes, why is it so bad that they do that with their partners. Im not really making much sense but i just trying to say cheating is wrong, but it isnt really bad, just a human instinct to look for better, even if we dont plan on acting on it, its still instinctle to question it isnt it.

ah whatever i dont know if i got my point across at all but want ed to say what i thought atleast.

 

[Dinomania]

addy the way I see it is that window-shopping is one thing, but if you're actually getting tempted by what you see, i.e. thinking more than just "phwoar" or actually thinking they might be better than your current girl, then you should let the current girl go.

Unless both you and the girl are only together for regular shagging/snogging sessions and nothing more, then really you shouldn't keep her tied down unless you think she's the best thing in the world.

But then I guess we come to the distinction between being in love (or on your way to being in love), and just having a girlfriend. If you're not in love, just dump the current and go for the next hotty. If you're in love, then you must have been extremely drunk or stupid or both.

 

[Platinum Pete]

seems you've got conflicting opinions on this matter. if you believe that primal instincts can override true love, then you obviously don't believe in true love. furthermore, we may have primal instincts (hell, if i see a sluttily dressed female who's easy on the eye when i'm out, she'll get the appreciative "bloody hell, she's quite fit") but that doesn't mean that we have to mount every single attractive female that's out there. if you're going to quote scientists/theories, try and make them a little more relevant.

Sorry i probably wasn't being explicit enough. I'm not tryng to say that its an excuse for cheating in a Premeditated way, as sanity, logic and morals will hopefully give you enough of a chance to contain your urges. However in a spur of a moment situation, it is easy for an infatuation or lust to take over from more long term intrests. It can happen to anyone in many situations (not just cheating) and partly explains why people do things they instantly regret.

Again I was not trying to say that this is an excuse for cheating I was just trying to point out that if some one cheats it doesn't mean that they don't love the person they are cheating on.

and the referencing thing- i knew i would get flamed for that, but i didnt want to start spouting knowledge without backing myself up.

 

[Sic]

Sorry i probably wasn't being explicit enough. I'm not tryng to say that its an excuse for cheating in a Premeditated way, as sanity, logic and morals will hopefully give you enough of a chance to contain your urges. However in a spur of a moment situation, it is easy for an infatuation or lust to take over from more long term intrests. It can happen to anyone in many situations (not just cheating) and partly explains why people do things they instantly regret.

Again I was not trying to say that this is an excuse for cheating I was just trying to point out that if some one cheats it doesn't mean that they don't love the person they are cheating on.

and the referencing thing- i knew i would get flamed for that, but i didnt want to start spouting knowledge without backing myself up.

i think we'll just have to agree to disagree. i could understand your theory if you were completely intoxicated at the time, but i think you're suggesting that a sober person, in love, could just drop everything like that and, speaking from experience, i just don't think i could.

 

[Jonny69]

Bah, damn this complicated monogamy malarky

 

[Platinum Pete]

i think we'll just have to agree to disagree. i could understand your theory if you were completely intoxicated at the time, but i think you're suggesting that a sober person, in love, could just drop everything like that and, speaking from experience, i just don't think i could.

But you could if you were intoxicated?

I'll admit being drunk does make the situation more difficult to resist, however have you considered that the body can also produce some very persuasive chemicals- naturally.

On a side note, I have been in love for 6 years now and frankly the thought of cheating on my partner makes me feel ill. However I could not guarantee that in the most tempting of situations (i'm talking really tempting) I would be able to resist. I think and I hope that i would be able to but I don't know for sure.

 

[Sic]

But you could if you were intoxicated?

I'll admit being drunk does make the situation more difficult to resist, however have you considered that the body can also produce some very persuasive chemicals- naturally.

On a side note, I have been in love for 6 years now and frankly the thought of cheating on my partner makes me feel ill. However I could not guarantee that in the most tempting of situations (i'm talking really tempting) I would be able to resist. I think and I hope that i would be able to but I don't know for sure.

i have no self control when i'm drunk. like none. i'm terrible, which is why i don't drink, because i'm not myself, and i dont trust the person i become. having said that, i've never cheated as a drunkard. maybe because i can barely walk? probably because i'm not the prettiest kid in the playground, but we're talking hypothetical here!!

maybe i'm making myself out to be a little holier than i actually am. don't get me wrong, i've been really tempted. like REALLY tempted. i've come close a couple of times, and i feel guilty even for that...selfishly, i think the only reason i haven't is because i couldn't bare having to tell the other person and see that look on their face. now, however, it's because i know there's no-one better for me, so i'm quite blasé towards the pretty girls.

 

[Beansprout]

Hangon...all you did was kiss someone while very drunk? Is it me or is this making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

[qwerty]

Wow, so many replies.

Rich_L and Chris, I like what you guys have said but I think it's only because that's what I want to hear. In a way I'm protecting the poor girl by bearing all the guilt and horrible feelings myself leaving her blissfully innocent - the only danger is that this 'protection' logic never works if she finds out by another means.

sara, I am very much in love with her, and I was both very drunk and very stupid. It wouldn't be tearing me up so badly if I wasn't this in love - we've got something really special. With your window shopping analogy we use the saying 'you can look at the menu as long as you eat at home'

About the drunkenness of it: Since I've been with my gf (my first proper relationship) I have always been of the view that cheating is easy for girls (they get so many approaches in a club, all they have to do is say yes to one), whereas for guys they actually have to go out of their way to chat up a girl, persuade her they're not a psycho and get her to take them home. Because of this when I go out without my gf I specifically aim to drink sooo much that sex and girls is the last thing on my mind, and even if I wanted to I would just make a complete arse out of myself if I even tried approaching one (not to mention the disaster when we got home ). But this time the girl approached me and the excessive alcohol backfired because I didn't have the sense to realise it was wrong, I just went with it.

 

[Zefan]

Hangon...all you did was kiss someone while very drunk? Is it me or is this making a mountain out of a molehill?

Answer this question, I don't think anyone knows what you've done. It seems to appear you ragged her.

 

[qwerty]

Answer this question, I don't think anyone knows what you've done. It seems to appear you ragged her.