Child 13 years old not going school due to severe anxiety and panic.

teenwolf

teenwolf

teenwolf

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Ok its my daughter she has severe anxiety and panic and is DLA.
she started high school last year and found it tough, now before the xmas break she broke down and wont go to school.

we have been to the doctors with her and been into the school many times trying to sort something out, they suggested just doing mornings or afternoons for a while which i thought may work but nope.

we have an appointment with CAMHS on the 16th of this month so see what happens there.

dont know what else to do she just breaks down.
 
I guess you have to let her have the time she needs for a period to see if things improve.

I have something similar with my autistic son, although he will usually go in and enjoy it once he is there.

I don't think there is a lot you can do and all I suggest is play it by her terms for awhile
 
Sucks, hope you and her can find a way through this so she can go to school.

I guess if she has disabled living allowance then she's had these problems for a long time, but I wonder if there might be things that happened at school she hasn't told you about that are making her especially reluctant to go in? (eg bullying, falling out with someone, etc?)
 
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All I can suggest is try and talk, maybe try a mediator if she won't talk to you.

My niece is the same age, started secondary school at the same time as yours, she was going through the same, didn't want to go to school, would frequenty bunk off, wouldn't say what was wrong.

In the end it required outside help, and it transpired she was being bullied by an older girl in school, that girl got all her friends in on it as well, spreading rumours around on social media, threats on tiktip/snapchat, threatened to trash her house and kidnap her dog.

It go so bad at one point she started self harming thinking it was her fault. Well after multiple months of outside help, getting the head master of her school involved and the police it stopped. So far its been quiet on all fronts for the past 3 weeks, we will see how things pan out, she started school again today.

The older girl turns 16 this year and is already on her final warning from the school and police. So her life is almost over before it even started.
 
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I’m sorry, this can’t be easy at all.

Panic and anxiety is utterly terrifying, having experienced it myself over the years you can literally feel as though you are dying. For such a young girl to be experiencing it, must be awful to witness.

There’s obviously an underlying reason for it, but what that is may be difficult to draw out of her. She may not even be aware of it herself. Is there any chance she is being bullied? It may well be the feeling of ‘pressure’ she perceives from school.

Although it will be hard, it might be worth speaking to a therapist.
 
Feel for you man. My partners daughter was in a similar position, 9 and just hated it. Couldn't get to sleep before school and kicked off EVERY morning for years. She's getting to that age now where just picking her up and dumping her in the class is very difficult and not really an option.

We used to sit with her every night to try and calm her nerves but we've discovered that just leaving her to do her thing has helped a lot. That little bit of independence seems to have changed her mindset a little and before Christmas she had 2 months where there where little to no issues. Was a total reset last night and this morning though, she did have a late night however as still in holiday mode. Hoping it's just a one off.

She also speaks to a school councilor every Friday which has definitely helped a great deal. If she has a problem now she's much better at recognizing it, acknowledging it and realizing that it's mostly fortune telling about things that probably won't happen.
 
rare said:
There’s obviously an underlying reason for it, but what that is may be difficult to draw out of her. She may not even be aware of it herself. Is there any chance she is being bullied? It may well be the feeling of ‘pressure’ she perceives from school.
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This. There is likely one specific reason which she feels she can't or won't tell you about. She may be afraid of the repercussions. And no matter what you say, it will be very difficult to find out what it is.

For instance, one year at school, at around age 13, my form master decided we would do a school play. I had such terrible stagefright that I told my parents I wanted to leave the school because I hated the teachers and lessons. The truth was, I didn't want to do the play and I was too scared to tell them because I thought they would laugh at me.

I'm not saying it's exactly the same situation, but there may be something that she feels she can't tell anyone about which manifests in extreme anxiety and panic.

You may consider letting her see a GP without you in the room. She needs a confidante who is not her parents.
 
like above there must be something that is triggering it but she wont open up to us or anyone even a doctor.

worrying here now about getting fined or put in prison i know its a serious matter all i want is for her to get an education and goto school.

we have tried lots of options and just waiting on CAMHS this month.
 
teenwolf said:
like above there must be something that is triggering it but she wont open up to us or anyone even a doctor.

worrying here now about getting fined or put in prison i know its a serious matter all i want is for her to get an education and goto school.

we have tried lots of options and just waiting on CAMHS this month.
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She needs an independent person to speak to which is not her parents or a parent's friend. When you see CAHMS it would be good idea for her to speak to the clinician alone.
 
About two months ago my 11 year old Nephew was crying on Thursday evenings because he didn't want to go to school on the Friday.
He didn't want his parents or grand parents involved so I got him talking.
It ended up being one teacher on a Friday, this teacher was always shouting at him and treating him horrible.
I had his parents and his permission to make contact with the teacher and basically told her what was happening and it's all good now.
She was genuinely surprised it was upsetting him so much because that was her teaching style.
 
She autistic by anychance?
My sons autistic and is in his 1st year at high school the change from primary to high school terrified him luckily his school eased him into it gradually
 
teenwolf said:
Ok its my daughter she has severe anxiety and panic and is DLA.
she started high school last year and found it tough, now before the xmas break she broke down and wont go to school.

we have been to the doctors with her and been into the school many times trying to sort something out, they suggested just doing mornings or afternoons for a while which i thought may work but nope.

we have an appointment with CAMHS on the 16th of this month so see what happens there.

dont know what else to do she just breaks down.
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Doing all the right things already really, i.e. getting help and working with the school.
Have you considered moving her schools? Sometimes a fresh start is really good if there has been particular friendship group issues or certain teachers etc. Can be really refreshing and might find they completely shine elsewhere and make new friends that help with confidence as there is the excuse that they need guidance and a sort of buddy to help them around/find stuff etc when new. I know it's scary for them but can be a blessing.
 
XeNoN89 said:
Does she spend a lot of time on an ipad/phone and social media? I'm sure this is part of the reason for so many kids having anxiety these days. My step daughter occasionally has this issue as well
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she does but get off at a good time

jaybee said:
Doing all the right things already really, i.e. getting help and working with the school.
Have you considered moving her schools? Sometimes a fresh start is really good if there has been particular friendship group issues or certain teachers etc. Can be really refreshing and might find they completely shine elsewhere and make new friends that help with confidence as there is the excuse that they need guidance and a sort of buddy to help them around/find stuff etc when new. I know it's scary for them but can be a blessing.
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she is really popular in school and ofter meets up with her friends outside of school its a weird one.
 
teenwolf said:
she does but get off at a good time



she is really popular in school and ofter meets up with her friends outside of school its a weird one.
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Anxiety is a difficult one. My son suffered with it for years and we saw CAMHS (think that's what you call it) and I found it quite intimidating initially because they ask a lot of questions about you as a parent and you feel vulnerable like if you say the wrong thing, they might think you abuse your kid or something. Then they ask your kid questions alone as well and you start worrying what they will ask! Like say, does Dad shout at you when you do things wrong? How badly etc.
Anyway, my son grew out of it and gained confidence in time largely on his own. I think a lot of it was just talking to the school and for him to know they wanted to help and could be there on the days he needed to see someone. In the end he never used any of the help available to him like teachers etc, but just knowing they were there and logging everything and checked up on him from time to time asking how he was, I think helped.

I believe one reason for my son's lack of confidence may have been one single child. This is a sort of life long friend he has had since early school days, but he's constantly been up and down with him. To cut a long story short, I think he manipulated my son and bullied him when he wanted to, then befriended him again when it suited him. These things can be really subtle and hard for your child to explain so often they will just say they are fine as they don't understand what is happening and don't realise such behaviours are low level bullying. So watch out for that. Some of her closest friends could be the ones causing problems.

Definitely minimize social media if you can. I would say girls are easier in that regard as it only tends to be the phone. Boys game, and some of the online abuse and bullying that their friends can do can be quite disgusting.

My son still gets nervous an anxious and breathless. He is a top footballer and despite knowing in his head he's one of the best, he still gets really wound up before an important game. There are ways to deal with this. Obviously plenty of support and encouragement and try to reassure them that life will go on if they make a mistake and that it really doesn't matter. etc.
 
well positive had a chat about doing just the morning tomorrow take a day at a time and explained again a few things and she seems up for it.
i hope she does go.
 
teenwolf said:
Ok its my daughter she has severe anxiety and panic and is DLA.
she started high school last year and found it tough, now before the xmas break she broke down and wont go to school.

we have been to the doctors with her and been into the school many times trying to sort something out, they suggested just doing mornings or afternoons for a while which i thought may work but nope.

we have an appointment with CAMHS on the 16th of this month so see what happens there.

dont know what else to do she just breaks down.
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I had to take my 14-year-old out of School altogether! She was suffering the same as your Daughter is the root of the problem was bullying, which the school did nothing to help.
 
Unfortunately something there is so many factors to and it might not even be something about school at all at the root of it.

Does she have a fear of failure? either thinking she can't do as well as her parents/family expect or a self-imposed level of attainment she thinks she needs to hit to be successful? or maybe not getting enough support and not liking to ask for it.

People learn in different ways as well, some learn more practically - being more hands on, others learn more from theory and can cram information in from reading, etc. if the lessons are too heavily skewed against their learning type in extremes some kids can struggle and feel like they are drowning. Especially with the pandemic moving things a bit more towards online learning and less practical activities, etc.
 
Does the school have a Learning Support department? The name might be out-dated now (quoting 30 years ago), so it's whatever the department is called nowadays. I was a SEN child with delayed learning caused by sensory loss. I had lessons in the LS department outside of normal lessons to help with social and life skills, mobility and helping with my English. Then in some of the normal lessons, I had a support worker from LS who helped me with the subject and also told off the odd student if she felt that they were teasing me. I did have a couple of bullies. One of them got expelled, then I eventually grassed the other one up to the support worker and she sorted him out. I know this sounded too easy on my part but have a think about how well you get on with a teacher or a support staff.

Something like this could be useful for the OP on the anxiety grounds? This was a normal comprehensive state-run school btw.
 
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