Choose Your Own Adventure™ - OcUK Style

Status
Not open for further replies.
Originally posted by scherzo
A) Continue deeper in the cave
Click to expand...
Wandering into the cave, you pass row upon row of neatly stacked and ordered magazines - most, if not all are of the 'lad-mag' variety so popular with the teenage boys back in the village. Copies of FTM (For Thee Magazine), Maximus and Knights Only are collected in massive vaults which penetrate deep within the bowels of the mountain. Just as you pass the "I'd hit it" aisle, you see a rope dangling seductively from the high ceiling. A choice emerges in your mind:

A) Climb the rope
B) Sit down, read some jazz mags, 'entertain' yourself
C) Climb the rope, all the while making loud Tarzan impressions
 
Originally posted by VDO
B) Sit down, read some jazz mags, 'entertain' yourself
Click to expand...
Just as you sit down to 'read' the magazines in the aisle marked "Smut", you die. God doesn't like boys who touch themselves, apparently.
Originally posted by Malt_Vinegar
AAAAAAA
Click to expand...
It's difficult work, but you begin shimmying your way up the rope - gaining more and more rope burns every painful time you rise up. You eventually reach the top to where a small opening leads to what you think may be daylight. The hole is rather small, but you like to think of yourself as athletic, and so try to squeeze yourself through. Just as your hips pass into the opening, your knife slips out of it's sheath and tumbles downward towards the magazines below. Powerless to stop it, you watch as it silently falls to the floor, where it impales a picture of Jordaine just below her left nipple. Ouch. She always wanted more surgery, but I don't think that was what she had in mind.

You reach the top of the mountain, gasping for breath and on the verge of death. Temperatures at this height are nearly below zero and the air is thinner than Jodie Marsh’s g-string. Just as you feel the cold embrace of unconsciousness, a hand grabs yours and lifts you up. The face staring back at you is that of the renowned daredevil Scuzi! Relieved, you hug the man for saving your life, only to be met by a string of incomprehensible noises. You think he’s trying to talk to you.

“Aye, y’ne’er ken jumble oy thar, y’know? Tahp o thmorn tyeh”

Bemused and scared by the noises the big man is making, you simply nod in the hope it will result in something that’ll progress this story. Without saying another ‘word’, the crazy loon straps on some odd-looking dials, knobs, switches, levers knobs, wires and more knobs, and walks over to a contraption that looks suspiciously like something that’ll fall off the edge of the mountain any minute. He straps himself into one of the seats and look back towards you expectantly. You start to wonder if by nodding you agreed to something.

“Wll lad, y’cmag psihre seuhgoa? Ah, t’beshr t’beshr.”

Oh dear. What do you do?

A) Climb into the seat next to him and hold on for dear life
B) Tell him to stick his ‘flying’ machine where he poops from
C) Dance a jig, crack open a can of Guinness and enact every stereotypical and probably quite offensive Irish characteristic you know.
 
Originally posted by Fusion
B) Tell him to stick his ‘flying’ machine where he poops from

I ain't getting in no plane, fool!
Click to expand...
Mustering up the courage to speak your mind to the madman, you stride up to the apparatus balanced on the edge of the cliff. You speak your words, indicating that you'd like Scuzi to stick his plane up his pooper, but he appears not to hear you - probably due to the immense noise generated by the engines glued to the wings. You lean in, hoping to gain his attention, but as soon as you lean towards the machine, he forcefully grabs you by the throat and yanks you into the primitive cockpit. Maybe he did hear you after all...

He thrusts the plane into first gear (or whatever planes have) and soon you are hurtling down the side of the mountain quicker than Jordaine's pants. With a few minor adjustments to the knobs and buttons and dials adorning himself, the apparatus glides out from the mountain and starts soaring over the landscape of Enchantia. After a few hours of flying, you start to get bored. You ask Scuzi if he'd mind landing now, as you've really got to be somewhere. He doesn't seem to hear you, but then dives sharply in a kamikaze-style death-dive. The airframe creaks and groans as the craft pitches towards the ground and imminent death. You start praying. But luckily, a large bank of trees cushions your fall. Well, when I say 'cushion', I mean 'reduce your injuries to less than life-threatening, but killing the pilot outright'. Maybe he'd have been more understanding if you'd willingly come along.

You survey your surroundings - there is an attractive-looking entrance set into the hillside on your left, while a path snakes invitingly on your right, through the trees...

A) Enter the hillside
B) Follow the path
 
Originally posted by mojojoejo
enter the hillside
Click to expand...
Tentatively, you step towards the entrance placed into the side of the hill - you carefully push open the tastefully decorated door with your hand, to be greeted with a wonderously furnished dungeonesque hallway - it's all the rage these days, ever since that play Changing Dungeons was on at the Globe.

As you decend deeper, the dungeons slowly change into the standard 3x7ft stone cladding that's so popular - although you're not quite sure that the fuchsia colour scheme quite goes with the skulls of previously defeated enemies that hang on the walls. You're all too busy admiring the wonderful paint scheme of the dungeon walls to notice the increasingly sticky webs that are stretching across the ceiling. Without realising it, you idiotically step into the vicious claws of a deadly Camel Spider. Hissing and shrieking, the spider opens its sizeable jaws and readies itself for a tasty meal of adventurer a la fear, only to be stopped short by the crack of a whip. You crank your head sideways to see the wielder of the whip... Lo and behold, walking out of the shadows like some kind of loony madman emerges Enchantia's very own Spiderman, Lopéz.

Cackling wildly and rubbing his hands together with glee, the arachnophile approaches your prone frame with something akin to excitement. Spiders crawl all over his body, peeking out from pockets, disappearing into his Medusa-like tangles of hair and surfacing from places altogether more unsanitary. You see the glint of insanity in the eyes of Lopéz, and you begin to think that this man is truly unhinged. As if one crazed spider-mad loon isn't enough, the banshee-like shrieks of Lopéz's quite insane spider-breeding wife LostKat pierce the air. She rounds the corner on her electronically controlled mechanical spiderlegs she had made by the renowned Mad Scientist and part-time engineer Telescopi - possibly in an attempt to turn herself into a spider or something equally nuts. They loopy pair begin to close in on you.

This really is a tricky predicament. What do you do?

A) Slice the spider's face open with your knife - you can't do this; you don't have the knife!
B) Shout "Spellcasting! T, E, A, P, O, T, F, A, C, E."
C) Wet your underpants
D) Start singing
 
Last edited:
Originally posted by Andelusion
C) Wet your underpants
Click to expand...
You've always been born with a gift. Not much of a gift, but a gift nonetheless. You can always wet yourself on command - even after denying yourself water for days, you can still unleash a torrent of urine at will. You remember back to the days at school when the bigger boys forced you to wet yourself for 4 hours straight - at the end you were a dehydrated mess, but you'd earned their respect.

Taking full advantage of this 'skill', you let go, and as if by magic a puddle begins forming around your feet. Then your ankles, your knees, your abdomen, and then it's up to your chin. The camel spider has long since let go, and the cackling spider-couple also left their lair a long time ago - leaving you alone in what will soon become your urine-soaked tomb. Your death is inescapable, and you soon drown in your own waste. What an end.
Originally posted by Hoowah
B
Click to expand...
You shout out the command, wishing and hoping that Treguard will hear your call and stop the game. But then you remember this isn't Knightmare, and a sense of dread develops in your tiny mind. But that thought doesn't last long, as the camel spider cleanly bites off your face. The deranged Lopéz stuffs your body in a wheelbarrow and carts your sorry corpse off into the depths of the lair. You're outta here!
Originally posted by mojojoejo
D - might work on hippies...
Click to expand...
Struck by fear and panic, you begin singing. Starting off with the theme to Postman Pat, you work your way through the classics of Convoy, Nelly the Elephant and Scatman's World; looking around yourself, you notice your enemies seem entranced - locked down in their grimy lair they obviously don't hear music often, even stuff like the Fast Food Rockers. Taking advantage of the hypnotic effect of your singing, you start singing the recent number 1 hit (number 2 in my opinion. Geddit?) 'Babycakes' from popular beat combo '3 of a Kind'. Within seconds of the chorus, the three people standing between you and freedom drop to the floor in a coma. The power of music truly is astounding.

You work your way through the spiderwebs to the entrance on the other side, to be greeted with a wonderous lake, as blue as the sky and as flat as the Cheeky Girls. This would be a good time to clean all the bits of web and camel spider spit off yourself. But how?

A) Dive in the lake
B) Splash a little of the water on yourself
 
Originally posted by Seraphim
You've always been born with a gift. Not much of a gift, but a gift nonetheless. You can always wet yourself on command - even after denying yourself water for days, you can still unleash a torrent of urine at will. You remember back to the days at school when the bigger boys forced you to wet yourself for 4 hours straight - at the end you were a dehydrated mess, but you'd earned their respect.

Taking full advantage of this 'skill', you let go, and as if by magic a puddle begins forming around your feet. Then your ankles, your knees, your abdomen, and then it's up to your chin. The camel spider has long since let go, and the cackling spider-couple also left their lair a long time ago - leaving you alone in what will soon become your urine-soaked tomb. Your death is inescapable, and you soon drown in your own waste. What an end.
Click to expand...

Ohhh my god lmfao! this is great :p
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top Bottom