Competition time: Write a sarcastic note

Jonny69

Jonny69

Jonny69

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Man of Honour
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Kapitalist Republik of Surrey
Yes folks it's OcUK competition time :D

A While back I posted about the company toilets, you can read about it here. Well it's time for a sarcastic note for the back of the door and what better people to ask for assistance than the good members of OcUK :)

The submission should be a short/witty/sarcastic note that will fit on an A4 notice on the back of the toilet cubicle door. It will detail good toilet etiquette including not urinating on the seat and not wiping bogies on the walls or the back of the door. It may also include how to flush to the toilet and why not to leave old gold rope in the bottom of the pan.

The winning entrant will receive a signed photo of their notice on the back of the cubicle door and a personal endorsement on my website. I may or may not rate each submission with my now-famous Captain Cheeseball rating
cheeseballrating.jpg
but all worthy submissions will be immortalised online in some manner on the yellow and red 69 site*

*note I reserve the right to post everything that is offensive in any manner
 
General rules:

Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules:

All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.

Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restrain comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed.

Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X == occupied, . == empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.

Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've thoroughly shaken off and closed your pants again.


Toilet rules:

Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
Always flush.
When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

From an email I received years ago
 
Too long man :p

Was after something more like this: Please don't wipe bogies on the cubicle walls or pee all over the seat. You're not 5 year olds.

But something a little less bitter...
 
Totally irrelevant, but in our local pub the back of the toilet door is scribbled with standard stuff, x boned y, arsenal are *^%$ (spurs area).

Then someone has written in marker pen "DOORS FUND TERRORISM"

Makes me chuckle every time with its sheer randomness :p
 
Warning: There may be superglue on this seat*




* Now you know how easy it is to wipe the seat clean maybe you could try it next time you cover it with wee.
 
Rich_L said:
Totally irrelevant, but in our local pub the back of the toilet door is scribbled with standard stuff, x boned y, arsenal are *^%$ (spurs area).

Then someone has written in marker pen "DOORS FUND TERRORISM"

Makes me chuckle every time with its sheer randomness :p
Click to expand...

Best one I've ever seen is on a pub door in my home town:

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Don't beam me up Scotty, I'm having a s| :D
 
kitten_caboodle said:
The Idiots Guide to Flushing : Grab handle hard and move hand down and up.

Knew you'd get that right first time ;)
Click to expand...

Perhaps you should mention that they should be grabbing the toilet handle, just in case you get someone like me in there who would grab my phallus.
 
"Even in Kazakhstan toilet not as disgusting as this. Do you not have a wife to wipe and flush for you?" - Borat

Got to admit I'd be voting for kitten's first one though!
 
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