conversation, how?

FoxEye

FoxEye

FoxEye

Caporegime
Joined
17 Feb 2006
Posts
29,265
Location
Cornwall
firstly: this is not an emo thread! yeah I know I've made a few of those...

anyway, put two people together, and most of the time they can talk for hours... it seems effortless when I watch other people talking. people can make a joke out of anything, have a laugh, and this helps them to break the ice & relax.

now i'm not saying I can't have a conversation but... (yeah, actually I can't have a conversation, that's exactly what i'm saying :p)

i'll tell you why. when people talk to me, my mind goes instantly blank. And I don't mean I can't think of anything funny or witty to say... I mean, it's 100% empty. As a result, all my replies are "really?" "yeah?" "oh" "OK" "wow" and other single word responses.

and all the while in my head I'm conscious of the fact that i'm a terrible conversationalist, and that the other person is fishing for some kind of intelligent response, and trying to keep the conversation going single-handedly.

at some point, naturally, they give up. then awkward silence. then... they talk to someone else.

practice makes perfect, yeah I've heard that a zillion times. but i've been trying my whole life to say more than a couple words, and there's just this all-pervading mental blankness. it's like a black hole into which all the thoughts in my head get absorbed. and it's been that way since I can remember, even as a child.

do you think hypnosis or some kind of shock therapy might help? there's got to be something I can do about this.
 
i know this sounds weird, but put on the spot I can't even think of any questions to ask. complete mental blank. like nobody's home.
 
davestar_delux said:
Try the talktostrangers blog? It's a good story with examples of real-life conversations in all their mundaneness. Although he started from a different problem of thinking he didn't like talking to people.
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That looks good. Bookmarked for future reading, thanks :)
 
paradisiac said:
find someone you don't know, but know they have similar interests and that gives you something to talk about. then you can progress to people that you know absolutely nothing about, until you find you are stopping anyone in the street, asking the time, and before you leave its 30mins later.
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Now imagine yourself doing this. But, just as you are about to open your mouth, imagine all the ideas and words instantly drain out of your head.

You *want* to talk, want to say something, anything. But it's all gone. Where did it go? You have no idea.
 
hmm. i think i have a very skewed idea of what other people think, tbh. most times I'm expecting people to dislike me. very bad habit hard to get out of.

so naturally, when I talk I expect people are either bored or thinking I'm a pillock :p
 
paradisiac said:
you can hold a conversation on here without any problems, real people are no different.
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the crucial difference between here and in person is

a) not real time
b) can erase my post and re-write before clicking "post reply"
c) no body language to worry about
d) no need for eye contact (i find that hard)
 
paradisiac said:
you work in a support centre don't you (pretty sure I read that somewhere), so don't you have to hold conversations with colleagues and clients on a daily basis? just apply social conversations in the same way as you would a work related one.
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I work in IT 2nd line (aka field support techie).

It's easy to say "hi there, your PSU needs replacing" because it's a statement of fact.

Although the possibility exists to be sociable in my line of work, and the other techies are very friendly and laugh and joke with clients. I'm very "in and out" and get the job done quick with no small talk :p

I'm constantly looking at the other techies chatting up the girls as they go from office to office and flirting like crazy, and thinking how nice it must be not to take yourself seriously.
 
Hatter The Mad said:
This - nail on head. The problem you have is probably like what I had (and still battle with today, although I can easily fool people) - you're so wrapped up and so conscious about worrying you'll be a bad conversationalist or will not know what to say next, you don't give enough brainpower to what the other person is saying.
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yup, it's a bad habit. also when I sometimes do think of something to say cut the other peson off to say it (lol, that always goes down well).

so the trick to being less self-conscious is... being less self-conscious :p
 
paradisiac said:
do you not go out in Truro with friends? are you happy to hold conversation with them, or do you also feel self conscious?
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The few friends I have here are married. And I don't go out socially at all :eek:

Haven't been out for years (just thinking about that is sad).
 
paradisiac said:
haha good point. you said you had mates, who are now married, what were you like with them before they got hitched? have you always struggled to hold conversations, or is it a relatively new thing due to something knocking your confidence?
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nope. the way I am now I've been like since... junior school. hmm that is odd. i don't really ever think about my childhood, but it occurs to me I always had problems mixing with other kids, for as long as I can remember, and was always shy and self conscious right from the start.

i'm dredging up memories of things that happened 25 year ago now.

anyway, i had a couple good friends at uni, but still didn't go out much. never really liked clubbing and that's what everyone does at uni. much preferred a nice quiet restaurant to an overly loud, hot club. maybe i'd feel differently had I been one of the guys getting off with the girls, but I never was :p

so yeah. sheesh. i can't remember when this all started, but I've been this way so long I consider it part of who I am...
 
paradisiac said:
I will talk to anyone if they initiate the conversation.
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Here's a story from work today. It's a boring story, but it explains a lot.

I was in an office looking at a printer. In said office was a very good looking girl, probably a fair bit younger than me, mind.

She tried to talk to me a couple times. First thing she said was "you look so bored!" I replied (kinda sarcastically but not in a nasty way) that printers were my favourite things. That was the end of the exchange.

This happened a couple times, each time the girl would say random things to me, mostly just observations about what I was doing, but I couldn't use that to start a conversation.

Then later on another of the IT guys comes in an immediately starts laughing and joking with everyone in the office. Completely natural, everyone had a good laugh. Or at least pretended to ;) Even then, I was worrying so hard about looking like a dork that I completely missed all the jokes, and did end up looking like a humourless dork.

This wasn't lack of effort. I was wracking my brain for something to say pretty much the whole time I was there, but nothing bubbled up ready to be said.

Of course, when I left the office I replayed the conversation in my head, and ended up thinking of a better response. Waaay to late.
 
Curio said:
I love talking to girls. I was incredibly shy at school and would be absolutely useless at it. However (and quite ironically) once I got married I gained a huge amount of confidence and could now charm the pants off even the most outrageously hot girl. I think....of course I've never tried because I'm married ;)

Don't really like talking to other guys though. I find it boring and don't really make much effort. Same in large groups - I just find most people dull and switch off.
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how did you get married before you got confident with girls? :confused:
 
paradisiac said:
she probably did the chasing :p
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he must be quite a good looking chap then :) or maybe they're both really, really into lego or something :p

on that line of thought, what's the best hobby to take up specifically to meet girls? anything but dancing, that is... or dancing if I can get really, really drunk beforehand.
 
paradisiac said:
she probably did the chasing :p

E: seriously though, I feel the only person judging you, is, well, you.

think of it this way. do you think you come out of the situation looking worse if :

A) they make conversation and you blank it

B) the make conversation and you reply with a short, sharpish answer

C) you reply with something, but it comes out a little bit wrong, but you made an effort

D) you stand their staring at them with a nervous grin
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that's a really good question.

a) worst
d) second worst -- creepy
b) second best
c) mostly the best result (mostly)
 
Zefan said:
Do you practice anything regularly?
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Nothing suitable for a family forum ;)

Learning anything at the moment like that?
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No I'm not learning anything at this point in time. I guess I should be. Should be developing myself in some way. Achieving something. Having a goal to work towards. Something I can feel good about.

But what, that's the question.

I've started loads of projects in the past, such as trying to learn German, or trying to program a simple isometric game, but I always quit after about a week.
 
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