conversation, how?

RomanNose · 11 Jul 2012 at 21:46

Tachyon said:
Not so sure about this advice. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to pull off a joke to someone they aren't overly familiar with. To try and tell a joke when you aren't overly comfortable chatting may not work so well.

Anytime I'm not familiar with someone, the first thing I'd do would be to introduce myself and then they tell me their name, I'd ask them what they do for a living and so on, take it from there. Keep it simple and be yourself.

Yeah it doesn't work when you meet someone for the first time but with people you know as friends it works well to keep them amused.
Nobody likes the boring monotone person, telling jokes is a good way to bump up your friendships.

Vtec9k · 11 Jul 2012 at 21:51

[FnG]magnolia;22326204 said:
Alternatively you can actually show genuine interest in what they are saying instead of waiting for your 'cue'.

No i don't mean it like that at all.

I mean if someone brings up a topic then, unsurprisingly, they want to talk about it. But you don't have to think of some witty comments or Nobel prize winning questions just show you're interested (and actually listening rather than just "yea", "uhhu",etc) in continuing to chat about whatever topic it is.

Tachyon · 11 Jul 2012 at 21:57

RomanNose said:
Yeah it doesn't work when you meet someone for the first time but with people you know as friends it works well to keep them amused.
Nobody likes the boring monotone person, telling jokes is a good way to bump up your friendships.

Regarding myself, don't think it would be something I'd be up for unless I was fairly comfortable in the persons company. On the rare occasion I'd crack a joke, tell a good story but there's be a lot better story tellers out there than me. I'd probably put myself into the boring monotone camp before the funny guy camp but hey I'm happy with that.

Just reading the above maybe I'm making myself out worse than I am, I'm probably more middle of the road. Just thinking as I changed jobs about 6 mths ago and can yarn away to the lads and have went on good nights out with them. Still, not sure if I've told them many jokes though.

Get what your saying about folks liking jokes but there's some people just cut out for that sort of thing more than the likes of me and I'm guessing the OP too. Takes all sorts though.

davestar_delux · 11 Jul 2012 at 22:02

Try the talktostrangers blog? It's a good story with examples of real-life conversations in all their mundaneness. Although he started from a different problem of thinking he didn't like talking to people.

FoxEye · 11 Jul 2012 at 22:10

davestar_delux said:
Try the talktostrangers blog? It's a good story with examples of real-life conversations in all their mundaneness. Although he started from a different problem of thinking he didn't like talking to people.

That looks good. Bookmarked for future reading, thanks

kieranv · 11 Jul 2012 at 22:42

Sounds like me. Even when someone is chatting to me about something I have a vast knowledge on, I still can't think of anything to say.

I make the excuse that I like to sit and listen to conversation, but really I just sit there wondering how they all do it haha.

platinum87 · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:05

Vtec9k said:
You don't even have to ask questions.

Just repeat the last few bits of their sentence like it's a question and let them do all the work. If someone brings up their holidays it's because they want to chat about it, so a simple interested sounding prompt will often lead them on to say more about the subject.

so a simple interested sounding prompt will often lead them on to say more about the subject?

paradisiac · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:08

find someone you don't know, but know they have similar interests and that gives you something to talk about. then you can progress to people that you know absolutely nothing about, until you find you are stopping anyone in the street, asking the time, and before you leave its 30mins later.

FoxEye · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:10

paradisiac said:
find someone you don't know, but know they have similar interests and that gives you something to talk about. then you can progress to people that you know absolutely nothing about, until you find you are stopping anyone in the street, asking the time, and before you leave its 30mins later.

Now imagine yourself doing this. But, just as you are about to open your mouth, imagine all the ideas and words instantly drain out of your head.

You *want* to talk, want to say something, anything. But it's all gone. Where did it go? You have no idea.

paradisiac · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:13

FoxEye said:
Now imagine yourself doing this. But, just as you are about to open your mouth, imagine all the ideas and words instantly drain out of your head.

You *want* to talk, want to say something, anything. But it's all gone. Where did it go? You have no idea.

mate I get that too, or in fact, I get it a lot worse where I talk, but the words come out in a random order because im over thinking what I am trying to say. this generally only happens in large group situations or presentations (the worse time it could happen, loads of people staring at you). you just have to laugh it off and not let it get you down. we all have bad moments, just learn from it, and accept that 9 times out of 10 people are not judging you or expecting you to say something profound or astonishing. relax and just be you.

FoxEye · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:22

hmm. i think i have a very skewed idea of what other people think, tbh. most times I'm expecting people to dislike me. very bad habit hard to get out of.

so naturally, when I talk I expect people are either bored or thinking I'm a pillock

paradisiac · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:24

FoxEye said:
hmm. i think i have a very skewed idea of what other people think, tbh. most times I'm expecting people to dislike me. very bad habit hard to get out of.

so naturally, when I talk I expect people are either bored or thinking I'm a pillock

trust me, been there before. seriously, very few people actually go around pre judging people, the base their opinion over a period of time and several meetings/conversations. just forget you are talking to someone new, and just talk to them. you can hold a conversation on here without any problems, real people are no different.

Vtec9k · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:27

FoxEye said:
hmm. i think i have a very skewed idea of what other people think, tbh. most times I'm expecting people to dislike me. very bad habit hard to get out of.

so naturally, when I talk I expect people are either bored or thinking I'm a pillock

Relax. 99% of people think the same about themselves!

It's the other 1% who think ever word they utter is the most interesting thing ever said that are the pillocks

paradisiac · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:28

you work in a support centre don't you (pretty sure I read that somewhere), so don't you have to hold conversations with colleagues and clients on a daily basis? just apply social conversations in the same way as you would a work related one.

TurnipHead · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:31

I can't either. I used to be extremely confident, but during school people would always laugh at everything I said (not in a 'haha your funny way') or tell me to shut up. So I spoke less and less, until I eventually became mute. And I have no idea how to fix it. However, I am the master of conversation online as I have the backspace button to make sure I no longer say anything to make me look like an idiot!

FoxEye · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:32

paradisiac said:
you can hold a conversation on here without any problems, real people are no different.

the crucial difference between here and in person is

a) not real time
b) can erase my post and re-write before clicking "post reply"
c) no body language to worry about
d) no need for eye contact (i find that hard)

Number_25 · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:32

As a sufferer of Aspergers Syndrome, I think I have a good idea on how people will struggle on holding a conversation.

FoxEye · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:37

paradisiac said:
you work in a support centre don't you (pretty sure I read that somewhere), so don't you have to hold conversations with colleagues and clients on a daily basis? just apply social conversations in the same way as you would a work related one.

I work in IT 2nd line (aka field support techie).

It's easy to say "hi there, your PSU needs replacing" because it's a statement of fact.

Although the possibility exists to be sociable in my line of work, and the other techies are very friendly and laugh and joke with clients. I'm very "in and out" and get the job done quick with no small talk

I'm constantly looking at the other techies chatting up the girls as they go from office to office and flirting like crazy, and thinking how nice it must be not to take yourself seriously.

paradisiac · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:38

FoxEye said:
the crucial difference between here and in person is

a) not real time
b) can erase my post and re-write before clicking "post reply"
c) no body language to worry about
d) no need for eye contact (i find that hard)

those are all valid points, but they can easily be overcome.

a+b are all in your head, as has been mention, very few people will be any different from you, I mean, if you haven't had a conversation with them, they cant of had one with you. how do you know they aren't seeking your approval too? because you know yourself, when someone talks to you, your not looking for faults, slipups or any other way to judge them. that's how most people think of you too

c +d also are fairly easy to overcome, pick a topic you feel 'safe' with, even if its just a question where you know you can follow it up with your opinion/story etc. this will help you relax, just be yourself. eye contact will just come once the conversation picks up.

FoxEye said:
I work in IT 2nd line (aka field support techie).

It's easy to say "hi there, your PSU needs replacing" because it's a statement of fact.

Although the possibility exists to be sociable in my line of work, and the other techies are very friendly and laugh and joke with clients. I'm very "in and out" and get the job done quick with no small talk

I'm constantly looking at the other techies chatting up the girls as they go from office to office and flirting like crazy, and thinking how nice it must be not to take yourself seriously.

without wanting to sound rude, but do you have any friends you socialise with? how well do you hold conversations with them?

I myself do not socialise outside of work at the moment and for me its a big issue I want to overcome as soon as possible. do you have any hobbies you could join a club in?

as for the, its your psu that's faulty comment. just apply those words to a general conversation. 'typical Cornish summer again today' its a statement, but leaves the other person an opportunity to reply. even if you feel like you are reeling off statements back at them, it will still class as a conversation, and eventually you will get more confident and relaxed and your statements will filter out.

Hatter The Mad · 11 Jul 2012 at 23:40

Malt_Vinegar said:
You are not listening to people.

Listen more, and try to be interested. You sound like you just dont care enough about the people you are talking to, to properly listen.

Then you can pick out on things they have said, and express an opinion or ask a question about what they have just said.

The more you let them talk, give them reason to talk, the better they will feel.

This - nail on head. The problem you have is probably like what I had (and still battle with today, although I can easily fool people) - you're so wrapped up and so conscious about worrying you'll be a bad conversationalist or will not know what to say next, you don't give enough brainpower to what the other person is saying.

If you did and properly listened, your brain will offer up a whole variety of questions and subtopics to talk about.

It gets easier!