Delayed Reaction

Dave77 · 20 Apr 2008 at 02:41

Good Morning,

Does anyone belive delayed reaction is possible in times of bereavement.

e.g. If someones loses someone very close suddenly/at a young age but seems to cope with it very well at the time then a year or two later gets totally overwhelmed with things and they realise they did'nt grieve at the time of death as they should have?

Thanks,

Dave.

Jofujofu · 20 Apr 2008 at 02:43

titchard · 20 Apr 2008 at 02:45

Jofujofu said:
yes.

To elaborate...

I can imagine it could be through repressed feelings of not wanting to deal with the situation or the situation is in fact to distressing to even want to approach.

Rich

Hades · 20 Apr 2008 at 02:52

Yes, defnitely.

Dave77 · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:01

Do you think its necessary to deal with what has happened to enable you to continue your life or is it possible to train yourself to supress your feelings for a lifetime?

Cr0fty · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:02

Hmm. I would say it's better to try and overcome something rather then bury it deeper, where it could potentially emerge at an even worse time...

Skeeter · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:04

As is commonly said, everyone copes in different ways. People may choose to not show, or unwillingly not show greif straight away.

steve258 · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:04

Will come to you sooner or later I think, it's not healthy keeping those feelings inside.

Hades · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:06

Dave77 said:
Do you think its necessary to deal with what has happened to enable you to continue your life or is it possible to train yourself to supress your feelings for a lifetime?

You need to deal with it. For some people that's breaking down in tears and for others it's shaking it off and coming to terms with it. But deliberately suppressing it will usually cause a bigger problem in the long run.

Dave77 · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:16

Hades said:
You need to deal with it. For some people that's breaking down in tears and for others it's shaking it off and coming to terms with it. But deliberately suppressing it will usually cause a bigger problem in the long run.

I see where you are coming from, but deliberately suppressing it can seem the simpler option sometimes, as long as you can remain strong you can deal with it. I have experience of trying to use some help lines and I have found them a bit patronising and very unhelpful at times, this is in no way a slur against them just my personal opinion.

titchard · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:18

Dave77 said:
I see where you are coming from, but deliberately suppressing it can seem the simpler option sometimes, as long as you can remain strong you can deal with it. I have experience of trying to use some help lines and I have found them a bit patronising and very unhelpful at times, this is in no way a slur against them just my personal opinion.

But that does require you to remain strong - and no one can remain 100% strong emotionally 24/7 - it would come out eventually and probably be multiplied.

Rich

Dave77 · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:35

titchard said:
But that does require you to remain strong - and no one can remain 100% strong emotionally 24/7 - it would come out eventually and probably be multiplied.

Rich

Yes... that is what I feel just now, I lost my father very quickly to cancer a couple of years ago. I dont have a large family and it os just my mum and I to a certain extent. I feel I have to stay strong, but i'm finding it harder as times goes by, I thought it should get easier as time went on? I'm not sure where to go from here realy

iBot · 20 Apr 2008 at 03:43

Jingo... · 20 Apr 2008 at 08:11

iBot said:
No.

When dealing with bereavement it is indeed possible for delayed reactions - it would seem that many people have an 'auto-pilot' that allows them to concentrate on what needs to be done before they become overwhelmed with emotion.

This time could be anything from hours to months and entirely depends upon the person/situation.

That said, some people's attitudes towards death/loss are different and they do not grieve.

Having lost two family members in the last 6 months I found myself not grieving like the rest of the family and it was both confusing and lead to feelings of guilt. However, after thinking heavily I realised that I was not sad for their death- it is a part of life & our grief only originates from selfish thoughts that you won't be seeing them again etc. (works differently in tragic terms I think)

As I have heard many people say before- there is no right or wrong way of dealing with such terrible situations.

After all that- here's hoping you are ok with the situation that you're dealing with at the moment

Sankari · 20 Apr 2008 at 08:24

Absolutely; I've experienced it myself.

alexakasloth · 20 Apr 2008 at 08:31

I think it's possible. When my father left I didn't really feel sad, a bit of anger, but I think I just hid it as much as possible. Then it started to show a year or so later.

andyp · 20 Apr 2008 at 08:58

My grandad died in February and he was cremated the day after my son's 1st birthday. My nan and my mum and aunties were ok, I was ok as his death was expected and without sounding callous, a relief as he was a very ill man.

It's only now my mum and nan are really starting to miss him - my nan shed her first tear over him last week when she received a letter in his name. My mum constantly says how much she thinks of him and misses him being around.

Personally, I feel a little sad when I go to my nans as I still expect him to be there, silly little things remind me of him when he was fit and well. However, looking after a baby who's just learning to walk and talk tempers the feeling as what we've lost is counterbalanced by my little son.

Grieving is a really strange process - there's no real right or wrong way to deal with it. You just do what you think you need to do, although it'll always come and bite you in the rear end at some point.

*edit... there we go - re-reading that has brought a tear to my eye about the whole thing for the first time.... proved my point really

jackthezipper · 20 Apr 2008 at 11:09

Yes, you just bottle things up until it gets to the point you can't cope anymore then it all comes out.

Cosimo · 20 Apr 2008 at 11:15

I’ve been here before, yes it is, there is nothing you can do about it, when it happens be prepared for any kind of reaction and don’t worry about it, it will pass.

V4NT0M · 20 Apr 2008 at 11:32

Yes, sometimes it takes a while to sink in.