Dilemma - relationship thread

badgermonkey · 18 Sep 2006 at 16:53

First off, sorry for another relationship thread... but it IS my first

Right ive got a girlfriend who i do really like, but that's about it. I find her attractive, we get on really well, and I think she's a great person. However she has those 'extra' feelings for me, the much deeper feelings that i dont feel. This is mostly because my last relationship before her ended up in my fiancee leaving me for another guy, meaning i really dont want to commit to anything deep again.

Moving to Uni would provide me a very simple reason to break up with her, however im moving closer, from a 40min drive to a 10minute drive to be precise. I really like her, and don't want to lose her as a friend, but because my feelings for her dont run as deep as hers for mine do, I know i'll probably stray at uni once im drunk regardless. Really, since my fiancee leaving me, all i REALLY want is sex with someone i like ( I know how shallow it sounds, guys will understand). At the moment im not even getting that as my current girlfriend is a virgin, not complaining, just putting into perspective how likely it is that i will stray, and therefore need to get out of this relationship.

But how can i do it? I know honesty should be the best policy, but i think the truth here will just really hurt her, and break off our friendship, as she has been after me for 2 years and we've only been going out the last 2 months. So what can i do? And more importantly what should i say?

Thank you for any help the great collective ocuk knowledge might pass on

Visage · 18 Sep 2006 at 16:54

Send her the URL of this thread?

Neoni · 18 Sep 2006 at 16:54

badgermonkey said:
*snip*

i wouldnt break it off, id let it go ahead and see what happens, things might change, sometimes it takes time. feelings and the relationship may grow stronger.

badgermonkey · 18 Sep 2006 at 16:55

Visage said:
Send her the URL of this thread?

Yeah thank you.

iCraig · 18 Sep 2006 at 16:56

Be a man and tell her how you feel (missing out the bit about wanting to get laid by someone else)

If you make up some lie, that's unfair to someone who obviously cares a lot about you. You owe her the truth.

helpimcrap · 18 Sep 2006 at 16:59

iCraig said:
Be a man and tell her how you feel (missing out the bit about wanting to get laid by someone else)

If you make up some lie, that's unfair to someone who obviously cares a lot about you. You owe her the truth.

what he said.

but yeh miss out the getting it elsewhere bit as it would be doubly unfair to put that pressure on her.

Rosbif · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:01

we require pics of her... this way we can formulate better answers to your problem... cheers

badgermonkey · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:03

iCraig said:
Be a man and tell her how you feel (missing out the bit about wanting to get laid by someone else)

If you make up some lie, that's unfair to someone who obviously cares a lot about you. You owe her the truth.

Yeah i know i cant mention to her about the sex thing. I know she doesnt want it currently, and i fully understand and support it, it's just... well because im an 18 year old guy looking to have fun rather than a serious relationship etc.

Maybe I should tell her the truth about it then... but it's a case of really how to word it well. Actually i just tried typing its not like i can just say "example", and what i typed worked perfectly. Now getting the guts to say it is needed

badgermonkey · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:03

Rosbif said:
we require pics of her... this way we can formulate better answers to your problem... cheers

There are pics of her on the net, but i doubt you could find my clans "Best GF award" thread, since it isn't anywhere near here

Nor could you find her myspace

ElRazur · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:04

Hold the bulls by the horn man, that's the way to do it.

badgermonkey · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:06

ElRazur said:
Hold the bulls by the horn man, that's the way to do it.

Metaphor is a great form of poetry, but it's actual meaning has flown over my head in this instance :confused:

ElRazur · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:06

badgermonkey said:
Metaphor is a great form of poetry, but it's actual meaning has flown over my head in this instance

Be a man and tell her how you feel but be gentle and firm in your approach.

Slinwagh · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:13

To clarify......

You don't have "those" feelings for her.
You are only really looking for sex
You have not had sex with her.
She is a virgin.

Based on the above it seems a pretty clear path has be laid ahead for you.......

Stiffler05 · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:18

If you don't fancy her like you say, then you're probably odds on to cheat on her when you get to uni. You should have plenty of opportunities to have casual sex with lots of birds whilst at uni. It may be a good idea to be honest with your current mrs... in the long run it won't be so hurtful for her.

It sounds like you need a bit more time to get over your ex. and perhaps getting into a relationship when you're still hurting a bit wasn't the best idea.

Maybe i'm wrong.... but i'm in a similar situation myself. Split from a long term gf, and i'm seeing someone new now. She's a great girl, really attractive and fun to be with... but i don't have those deep feelings. Tbh, she doesn't really compare to my ex.

Dinomania · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:53

I recently broke up with a boyfriend of only 3 months.

While everything was pretty cool, I was just along for the ride (pun not intended, hur-hur), while he was getting more and more into me and had even used the 'L' word, so it had to end really, cos it was unfair on him.

I told him the truth - that while I thought he was great, I wasn't falling for him and didn't feel the spark that would trigger it - so it was unfair to drag him along and that it'd only tear him apart to carry on with me not really being bothered.

The sex bit isn't really the issue, the imbalance in feeling however is a problem, and a totally valid reason to finish it.

Good luck!

helpimcrap · 18 Sep 2006 at 17:59

sara said:
I recently broke up with a boyfriend of only 3 months.

While everything was pretty cool, I was just along for the ride (pun not intended, hur-hur), while he was getting more and more into me and had even used the 'L' word, so it had to end really, cos it was unfair on him.

I told him the truth - that while I thought he was great, I wasn't falling for him and didn't feel the spark that would trigger it - so it was unfair to drag him along and that it'd only tear him apart to carry on with me not really being bothered.

The sex bit isn't really the issue, the imbalance in feeling however is a problem, and a totally valid reason to finish it.

Good luck!

to hear a girl say that is refreshing if a little disturbing lol.

exactly what i would be thinking though - only difference in his case is that shes a virgin and it wouldnt be really fair in my eyes to mention the fact sex was an issue, if not with her.

badgermonkey · 18 Sep 2006 at 18:02

I think Sara expressed what i tried to, it wasnt a case of sex being an issue, because if i felt for her enough that wouldnt be an issue in the slightest. It is mainly the imbalance of feelings.

badgermonkey · 18 Sep 2006 at 18:03

helpimcrap said:
exactly what i would be thinking though - only difference in his case is that shes a virgin and it wouldnt be really fair in my eyes to mention the fact sex was an issue, if not with her.

I think it wouldnt be fair, it'd be putting pressure on her with regards to it, and she might cave too easily in the future if another guy she liked was pressuring her for it. Because i know if i pressured her then i would get it, but im not that kind of person.

crystaline · 18 Sep 2006 at 18:04

It sounds like you have already made up your mind?

The way you have written implies that you know what the best thing is to do, you just want other people to help convince you of it

Be nice, be honest, she should understand, well more likely to understand than if you continue to give her mixed signals for longer

ps. But yes, miss out the part about the sex. She could take that very very personally, and it is just unecessary.

helpimcrap · 18 Sep 2006 at 18:07

badgermonkey said:
I think it wouldnt be fair, it'd be putting pressure on her with regards to it, and she might cave too easily in the future if another guy she liked was pressuring her for it. Because i know if i pressured her then i would get it, but im not that kind of person.

i have to admit in your first post you sounded like a bit of a dick. now you have explained yourself you seem sound.

good luck with it.