do I cook my cake, ice it and then eat it...

I've tried reading the opening post through three times now and every time I think I've just about got the gist of it I find myself questioning whether I've really understood it as there's more than one possible interpretation that makes sense with slight adjustments to it.
 
ENGLISH...................

do you speak it or type it ?

I have read OP multiple times and it makes no sense.

I am guessing him and his missus are out travelling ? They are in a Bar with some people he doesn't like / trust, he has left her there as she didn't want to 'come home' he is with some other girl in some other bar ? he is now going to take her home instead and smash the granny out of her under the logic that his actual GF deserves it for staying in a bar with the untrustworthies ?
 
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