New Company Policies
>
> EFFECTIVE Monday 11th of May, 2009 ........New Office Policy Dress Code:
>
> 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
>
> 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
> assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
>
> 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
> so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
> raise.
>
> 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
> therefore you do not need a raise.
>
>
> Sick Days:
> We will no longer accept a doctor's note statement as proof of sickness.
> If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> Personal Days:
>
> Each employee will receive 104 Personal days a year..
> They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
>
> Bereavement Leave:
>
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
> friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
> non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare
> cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
> scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
> through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
>
> Bathroom Breaks:
>
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
> strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
> three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
> the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken..
>
>
> After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
> bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught
> smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental
> health policy.
>
> Lunch Break:
>
> * Skinny People get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
> that they can look healthy.
> * Normal Size People get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
> maintain their average figure.
> * Chubby People get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
> needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
> positive employment experience.. Therefore, all questions, comments,
> concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
> insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
> and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
> The Management
> Pass this on to all who are employed!