Engagement questions

[krooton]

1. He dead, so no
2. 5%
3. At the end of a Nazi-themed escape room

 

[Unseul]

Depends on the father.
If he's the sort worthy of respect, he'll be the sort you ask - If nothing else it shows respect, and girls who love their daddies will value this. It's also a bit of bonding for your future family.
My wife came from a fairly close family (MiL and DiL are actually visiting right now) and if you want to be part of her life, you have to be part of her family... There's no falling out with them, or there's no wedding.

The engagement is basically a promise to your wife, as much as the wedding vows.
The wedding itself is a promise to all the guests present.
But when you ask for the father's blessing, you're also going to a parent and effectively promising them that you will take as good care of their child as they have done. That's why historical wedding gifts (bride price, dower, dowry, etc) were about proving (and ensuring) you're a man with the means to take care of your wife.

My wife adores her father. He's also a decorated ex special forces soldier, who received the highest medal available for a small unit, served directly under their current prime minister. In addition, he's a great bloke and I really like him. And with all that, I still didn't feel it was a respectful thing to do towards my wife. Sod her father, it's her I want to marry, it's her that makes the decision regardless of his blessing or not. Our families were the absolute first to know after she said yes, but regardless, his blessing/approval/agreement always comes 2nd to whether or not she says yes first.

 

[Chris Wilson]

Down the line many men's only regret in asking the father for her hand in marriage is that he said yes, and started the cataclysmic ball of the misery of marriage rolling <LOL>

 

[Mr^B]

1. Nope
2. I can't remember, it wasn't that expensive, we trawled around Hatton Gardens in London looking for something exotic, and ended up with the perfect one from some random chain jewellers in Bluewater.
3. Friday night, Electric Ballroom, Camden.

 

[SexyGreyFox]

1) Assuming you asked her Dad for his blessing, how did you go about this?

2) In terms of the proportion of gross annual salary at the time, how much was the ring?

3) How did you propose?

These are all true

1) We just said "We're getting married". Last year my youngest daughters boyfriend asked me and I cried. I'd always wished I'd asked my Father in Law because he was a wonderful human being.

2) It was 1980 so no idea what my salary was but she insisted on a cheap ring which cost £22. Later that year we paid £28 for the wedding ring which she can't get off her finger.

3) Seriously, My parents had come back from Nigeria where they had left me home alone since I was 16. My Mum started to be a proper b**** and my proposal was "I can't live with my Mum anymore, let's get married". It will be 40 years on September 27th.

 

[ttaskmaster]

And with all that, I still didn't feel it was a respectful thing to do towards my wife. Sod her father, it's her I want to marry, it's her that makes the decision regardless of his blessing or not.

It's not about how you feel and what you want, though, or what you think is respectful toward her... It's about how she feels and how your conduct reflects your regard for her relationship with her family. Asking may be old fashioned, but it's also considered romantic and many women love things like that. When you ask her father, it's as much about her as it is him, and certainly more than it is about you.

 

[Unseul]

It's not about how you feel and what you want, though, or what you think is respectful toward her... It's about how she feels and how your conduct reflects your regard for her relationship with her family. Asking may be old fashioned, but it's also considered romantic and many women love things like that. When you ask her father, it's as much about her as it is him, and certainly more than it is about you.

Excuse me? My marriage is most certainly, quite significantly about me. It's absolutely about her to. And if she'd insisted on me asking her father, I'd have done it. As I said in my first post, my wife finds the idea insulting. I find it an insulting idea as well, and whilst I'd have done it for her, I'd have certainly questioned why she wanted it to be that way.

She is not a possession, she is not to be given away, she is not an object he needs to give his blessing to.

 

[CircleFaust]

1. didn't ask.
2. 2% i think and she loves it (we went and looked together and she picked it). don't agree that you have to spend X percentage of your salary. this is something Jewellers make up to get you to spend more.
3. proposed with not a sinner in sight, just us out for a quite sunday walk.

 

[Arcane]

When I asked for his daughter's hand, he replied "Well, you've had everything else so you might as well have her hand".

 

[ttaskmaster]

And if she'd insisted on me asking her father, I'd have done it.

So as I said, it's about how she feels and is something you do for her. That you also say you'd have done so supports that, even if you would have questioned it.

As I said in my first post, my wife finds the idea insulting.

And again, about how she feels.
Some want it, others don't. It's your job to know and act accordingly.

She is not a possession, she is not to be given away, she is not an object he needs to give his blessing to.

Again, it's not about whether you need it or not. You 'need' nothing in a marriage beyond two witnesses and an authorised person. Everything else, includling asking her father, is just part of the tradition and ceremony.

Did you give her a bridegift?
Did you have groomsmen or ushers?
Did she have any bridesmaids?
Did her father walk her down the aisle?
Did you have any hymns and, if so, did you choose which ones?
Did you have any readings?

 

[Unseul]

So as I said, it's about how she feels and is something you do for her. That you also say you'd have done so supports that, even if you would have questioned it.


And again, about how she feels.
Some want it, others don't. It's your job to know and act accordingly.


Again, it's not about whether you need it or not. You 'need' nothing in a marriage beyond two witnesses and an authorised person. Everything else, includling asking her father, is just part of the tradition and ceremony.

Did you give her a bridegift?
Did you have groomsmen or ushers?
Did she have any bridesmaids?
Did her father walk her down the aisle?
Did you have any hymns and, if so, did you choose which ones?
Did you have any readings?

If she wanted me to ask her father, and he said no? Would she refuse to marry me? If yes, then she's not the person I'd want to marry anyway, and if no, then it was a pointless indulgence to begin with.

As to your questions, no, no, no, no, no and no. Though I don't understand the significance of any of that (except bridegift being some sort of payment for her).

 

[ttaskmaster]

If she wanted me to ask her father, and he said no? Would she refuse to marry me? If yes, then she's not the person I'd want to marry anyway, and if no, then it was a pointless indulgence to begin with.

As pointless as inviting 12 unnecessary people to your wedding, yet you still did that... Why did you invite people who didn't need to be there? It's nothing to do with them, surely?
Again, it depends on the woman, but even if he says no it was still important enough to her that you asked.

As to your questions, no, no, no, no, no and no. Though I don't understand the significance of any of that (except bridegift being some sort of payment for her).

All very common things that most people choose to include as part of their wedding, despite being considered unnecessary and even outdated, all coming from the same traditions as asking the father. Again, some people like this stuff, some don't. It's their choice and whether or not you understand it, or their reasons for it, has no bearing on it's relevance to them.

 

[Unseul]

Yeah, celebrating your marriage in a variety of ways is obviously the same as asking a father for permission to marry their daughter. Exactly the same. Silly for me to question it.

 

[ttaskmaster]

Yeah, celebrating your marriage in a variety of ways is obviously the same as asking a father for permission to marry their daughter. Exactly the same. Silly for me to question it.

Celebrating your marriage through a variety of utterly irrelevant traditions and rituals, like asking the father, or buying a ring for the legally non-binding engagement... It's all personal choice as to what is or is not relevant, but if it has meaning to the individuals then yes it is the same.

 

[ivrytwr3]

1) Assuming you asked her Dad for his blessing, how did you go about this?

We were at their house one day and i asked if i could have a word in private - he started crying. Parents are old and traditional and so i thought it the right thing to do.

2) In terms of the proportion of gross annual salary at the time, how much was the ring?

About 1K 18 years ago.

3) How did you propose?

Took her to a castle, a bag piper and flaming torches signaled dinner, a guy in medieval costume and a lute serenaded us during dinner. We then went for a walk in the castle grounds where i had hidden a bottle of champagne and glasses in a mini fridge. Popped the question, she said yes, broke out the bubbly.

So basically, i fed her well, got her p!ssed and therefore she was under obligation to say yes

 

[task]

1. I didn't ask.
2. I bought a ring from a nearby gift shop, spur of the moment. It cost 69Kr.
3. Nordkapp, Arctic Circle, Norway.

We planned a last minute overland trip this year up through Norway and I decided that'd be a good place to propose, hence the gift shop ring.

She's looking at ring that actually fits currently, still doesn't plan to spend a fortune, we both don't really believe the wedding or the ring need to be extravagant or expensive.

 

[SexyGreyFox]

It's not about how you feel and what you want, though, or what you think is respectful toward her... It's about how she feels and how your conduct reflects your regard for her relationship with her family. Asking may be old fashioned, but it's also considered romantic and many women love things like that. When you ask her father, it's as much about her as it is him, and certainly more than it is about you.

When I grew up about 30 years later I really wished I'd asked him
It makes me laugh that some are going on about 'old traditions' but I bet most will still be going along with a church, white wedding etc.

 

[ttaskmaster]

It makes me laugh that some are going on about 'old traditions' but I bet most will still be going along with a church, white wedding etc.

See, I've had this very debate numerous times. It always crops up when someone asks if I asked the father, and then they get right uppity when they find out I did... yet they still put enough stock in the custom to enquire about it in the first place, suggesting they actually regret not doing so themselves rather than the derogatory regard for it that their response would have me believe.
Usually it finishes with them harping on about how "my woman is not property" (yes, phrased just like that) to be given away, how you shouldn't have to ask her father, etc etc.... and then they have the father give the bride away at the wedding!!

 

[task]

See, I've had this very debate numerous times. It always crops up when someone asks if I asked the father, and then they get right uppity when they find out I did... yet they still put enough stock in the custom to enquire about it in the first place, suggesting they actually regret not doing so themselves rather than the derogatory regard for it that their response would have me believe.
Usually it finishes with them harping on about how "my woman is not property" (yes, phrased just like that) to be given away, how you shouldn't have to ask her father, etc etc.... and then they have the father give the bride away at the wedding!!

When I grew up about 30 years later I really wished I'd asked him
It makes me laugh that some are going on about 'old traditions' but I bet most will still be going along with a church, white wedding etc.

I didn't ask as she didn't want me to.

Who would I ask though, in the circumstance that she has both a stepdad and her birth-dad? Can't really ask both, what if they gave different responses? I think her step dad may have been a bit put out I didn't ask but my missus certainly wasn't. For reference we don't plan to use a church or any other traditional wedding trope.

 

[ttaskmaster]

I didn't ask as she didn't want me to.

Which is fine... That's how it goes.
Might be slightly awkward if he'd have wanted to be asked, but that's between her and him.

Who would I ask though, in the circumstance that she has both a stepdad and her birth-dad?

Assuming she wants you to ask, you ask her which one she'd prefer you to approach...

I think her step dad may have been a bit put out I didn't ask but my missus certainly wasn't.

Again, it's up to her and is a matter between her and her dad (and in this case her step, too).
If she's asked you not to, don't ask.