Friday Joke thread

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My attempt at humour......

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned
in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main
computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through The earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed
the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are
they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."
 
taxi.jpg


Get in it
 
Dan works hard at the plant, but he spends two nights each week bowling, and he plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dan! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dan. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dan if he'd like his usual, and brings
over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dan,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Danny, want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dan's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dan follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he
jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must
have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She
is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word
in the book.


The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dan, you picked up a real bitch this
time."
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
 
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter Spreads
through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and
the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None
is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts
smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the

knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and
we're all going to ******* die."
 
TODAY'S READING IS FROM THE " BOOK OF CORPORATE LIFE"

CHAPTER 1 VERSES 1-15

IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE PLAN.
AND THEN CAME THE ASSUMPTIONS.
AND THE ASSUMPTIONS WERE WITHOUT FORM.
AND THE PLAN WAS WITHOUT SUBSTANCE.
AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE WORKERS.
AND THEY SPOKE AMONG THEMSELVES SAYING, " ITS A CROCK OF **** AND IT STINKS"
AND THE WORKERS WENT UNTO THEIR SUPERVISORS AND SAID " ITS A BUCKET OF ORGANIC WASTE, AND IT IS VERY STRONG, SUCH THAT NONE MAY ABIDE BY IT"
AND THE MANAGERS WENT UNTO THEIR DIRECTORS, SAYING, " ITS A VESSEL OF FERTILISER, AND NONE MAY ABIDE ITS STRENGTH."
AND THE DIRECTORS SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING TO ONE ANOTHER, " IT CONTAINS THAT WHICH AIDS PLANT GROWTH, AND IS VERY STRONG."
AND THE DIRECTORS WENT TO THE VICE PRESIDENT, SAYING UNTO THEM, " IT PROMOTES GROWTH, AND IS VERY POWERFUL."
AND THE VICE PRESIDENTS WENT TO THE PRESIDENT, SAYING UNTO HIM, " THIS NEW PLAN WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE GROWTH AND VIGOUR OF THE COMPANY WITH VERY POWERFUL EFFECTS ."
AND THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UPON THE PLAN AND SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD. AND THE PLAN BECAME POLICY.

THIS IS HOW **** HAPPENS!!!!

Edit: Blanked out swear words..... thanks Al :o
 
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got chatting to some old ladies in the social club the other night, were talking about partners and husbands. got chatting to one old dear called mary, she was telling me she has had 3 husbands, really i said, do you mind me asking what happened to them?
not at all she said

the first was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it!

the second was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it!

the third, he was a stamp collector, now i miss him!!!
 
The boss of a big company had a tough choice to make
He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

She replies, "Could you jack off? I have a headache."
 
What happened when Batman's car broke down?

He phoned Robin, but Robin was out with his mates, and Batman had to flag down another car - and it was being driven by Superman!


Which bird sounds like a carrot?

A carro' (a crow)!


Why did the elephant bark?

He was a dogruss!
 
monkeypants I think I actually hate you, which is odd.

Do you actually believe your stuff is funny in any way? I realise there is about to be a flood of people saying "I find it funny" etc, to them I say, you need to re-evaluate your life.
 
The_KiD said:
monkeypants I think I actually hate you, which is odd.

Do you actually believe your stuff is funny in any way? I realise there is about to be a flood of people saying "I find it funny" etc, to them I say, you need to re-evaluate your life.
Click to expand...

I don't get his stuff :confused:
 
The_KiD said:
monkeypants I think I actually hate you, which is odd.

Do you actually believe your stuff is funny in any way? I realise there is about to be a flood of people saying "I find it funny" etc, to them I say, you need to re-evaluate your life.
Click to expand...

Its funny in Mexan. :)
 
Can we have short jokes please, I cant be bothered to read the huges blocks of text at the moment :o :p
 
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