Friday Joke
- Thread starter Egosh
- Start date
Elton John & husband David are in bed one Sunday morning. Elton says "I'm just going out to the the papers, no masterbating while I'm gone"! "Ok" says David "I promise". When Elton gets back, the bedroom is covered in *****, the walls, doors, ceiling etc. "I thought you weren't going to masterbate"! "I didn't" says David, "I farted".
Hahahaha.
Appologies if a repost,
Chilli-Cook Off's
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is (supposedly) an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chilli cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, Illinois. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected
as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be
all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Chilli #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.....
Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild
Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI.....
Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people that wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chilli #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI.....
Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh ' t-faced from all the beer.
Chilli #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.....
Judge #1 Black Bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac????
Chilli #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.....
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
Chilli #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.....
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic!
Superb
Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through
my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chilli #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI.....
Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Frank / Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's to painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI.....
Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not to bold but
spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chilli????/
Judge #3 NO REPORT!!!!!
Chilli-Cook Off's
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end. This is (supposedly) an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chilli cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilli Taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, Illinois. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected
as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light Truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be
all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Chilli #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI.....
Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very Mild
Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli #2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI.....
Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people that wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chilli #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI.....
Judge #1 Excellent Firehouse chilli. Great kick.
Judge #2 A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh ' t-faced from all the beer.
Chilli #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.....
Judge #1 Black Bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an
aphrodisiac????
Chilli #5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.....
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chilli using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
Chilli #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.....
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic!
Superb
Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filed with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I crapped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through
my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't
feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chilli #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI.....
Judge #1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Frank / Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth.. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's to painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI.....
Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not to bold but
spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chilli????/
Judge #3 NO REPORT!!!!!
Another one sorry, 
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and probably?" His father thought for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for £1 million and then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million, consider their replies and then come back and tell me what you learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum would you sleep with George Clooney for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Wow, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to say no to such an offer."
The boy then thought about it for a few hours, and went back to his father, who asked him if he had discovered the difference between potentially and probably.
"Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but then we're probably living with a couple of slappers."
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and probably?" His father thought for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with George Clooney for £1 million and then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for £1 million, consider their replies and then come back and tell me what you learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum would you sleep with George Clooney for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Wow, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to say no to such an offer."
The boy then thought about it for a few hours, and went back to his father, who asked him if he had discovered the difference between potentially and probably.
"Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but then we're probably living with a couple of slappers."
Thought this was quite good 
Dear IT Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate ------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, IT Support ------------------
Dear IT Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'.
Dear IT Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate ------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, IT Support ------------------
Dear IT Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'.
The censorship here is really strange.
Soldato
- Joined
- 7 Mar 2005
- Posts
- 19,641
- Location
- LU7
I read all that and was expecting a punchline of some kind... I didn't find a word of that amusing
Soldato
- Joined
- 9 Oct 2006
- Posts
- 3,761
- Location
- here
A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either:
Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."
The Australian got the job...
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either:
Willie Turner or Willie Naylor."
The Australian got the job...
i like & will use
Soldato
- Joined
- 25 Jun 2006
- Posts
- 4,379