Friday morning joke (1st joke thread...)

Can a mod please restrict the use of the following characters () {} []. My god Angus ... its friday, the sun is shining, I'm working and early shift and originally I was going to go home later to enjoy a few coldies with my wife ... but now I am seriously contemplating tracking your silly arse down and beating you to death with my keyboard! Please, please, please ... do us all a favour and just use full stops and comma's like everyone else. :confused:
 
Can a mod please restrict the use of the following characters () {} []. My god Angus ... its friday, the sun is shining, I'm working and early shift and originally I was going to go home later to enjoy a few coldies with my wife ... but now I am seriously contemplating tracking your silly arse down and beating you to death with my keyboard! Please, please, please ... do us all a favour and just use full stops and comma's like everyone else. :confused:

I agree! do this! (except I dont have a wife) ;)
 
I live by the rule;

If a joke does not fit fully onto the screen when resolution is set to 1280x1024 then it's definitely not worth reading, after all you can never get that time back.

It looks like that rule has paid off for me this time, phew.
 
I read that hugely long joke a couple of years ago, when it was posted on an American forum.

Of course, it worked there, for the Americans that were reading it, because they say "lever" like "never", not like "leaver" as we do.

So - 20 mins of my life wasted, on a pun that only works if you read with an American accent :( Granted if you do read it right first time (with the American accent) then it is actually funny. But after getting to the end and thinking "wha?", then realising, and understanding it - the moment has passed :(
 
"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed!

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest c*ck the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AA battery, all thin and shriveled, with a head the size of a grape.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor, doubled up, with tears streaming from his eyes. Every time he looked at it, he started laughing again. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied.
 
I would like to have the opinions (of many people) on this joke:

(Note: I dislike it :

[Link]

I mentioned it [I believe {although I did not mention the actual joke (I mentioned the instance in which it was told)}] in the afore-linked-to thread).



I find this "joke" very bad. It seems to me like the creator has merely put together a plausible (but very unlikely) story, and then told it (hoping it would be funny).

(This thread reminded me of that joke [as I was perusing the afore-linked-to thread earlier {which is a good thread (I believe)}]).

Angus Higgins

http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesTitle/productCd-0764553224.html
 
Please stop quoting the gimmik posts - it defeats the point in an 'ignore list' ;) :p

Now, joke time....

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the pol ice officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to h is wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."
 
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