Friday morning joke (1st joke thread...)

div0 said:
Please stop quoting the gimmik posts - it defeats the point in an 'ignore list' ;) :p

Now, joke time....

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the pol ice officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to h is wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."
Click to expand...

psst, go up the thread a bit ;)
 
div0 said:
Please stop quoting the gimmik posts - it defeats the point in an 'ignore list' ;) :p

Now, joke time....

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the pol ice officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to h is wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."
Click to expand...


MAJOR FAIL!
 
10 Year Old Blues ...

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
 
Byron5184 said:
10 Year Old Blues ...

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


"If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Click to expand...

Not bad, not bad at all... raised a small :)
 
I was drunk on the way home from the pub last night and ran down 3 Muslims at a zebra crossing, one smashed off my headlight, one came through the windscreen and one was catapulted 100 metres down the road.

The Police have been great, one is getting done with criminal damage, one with breaking and entering and the other with leaving the scene of an accident.
 
Jock Dodds said:
I was drunk on the way home from the pub last night and ran down 3 Muslims at a zebra crossing, one smashed off my headlight, one came through the windscreen and one was catapulted 100 metres down the road.

The Police have been great, one is getting done with criminal damage, one with breaking and entering and the other with leaving the scene of an accident.
Click to expand...

Sorry, you appear to be in the wrong meeting. The Muslim hating meeting is across the street. This is the joke thread.
 
Perplexed said:
Sorry, you appear to be in the wrong meeting. The Muslim hating meeting is across the street. This is the joke thread.
Click to expand...

I was drunk on the way home from the pub last night and ran down 3 Middle class white people at a zebra crossing, one smashed off my headlight, one came through the windscreen and one was catapulted 100 metres down the road.

The Police have been great, one is getting done with criminal damage, one with breaking and entering and the other with leaving the scene of an accident.
Click to expand...


Better?
 
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