Friends with Aspergers....

BunnyKillBot

BunnyKillBot

BunnyKillBot

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A bit of backstory, my misses has a good friend who she met through university, who we both generally get on well with. The friend lives with her boyfriend (henceforth known as Mr T) and suckers that men are, we sometimes get lumped together while the girls go off and Zumba... or something.

Mr T is nice enough, into movies, games, normal stuff, except for the fact that he very obviously appears to have Aspergers. Its very difficult having a 'normal' relationship with him because he doesn't understand social normality. Many of his behaviours, if it were anybody else, would be considered 'rude' but are justified by 'thats just Mr T'. For example, if he is the slightest bit bored/disinterested, he pops in his headphones and starts listening to some podcast/audiobook or other, regardless of the social context he is in; at their house, at ours, at his girls parents.

Thing is, I want to 'like' him but its so damn hard. He doesn't have a great many friends, which he explains away because he works so hard (true enough) but i reckon it has more to do with his lack of social ability. Does anybody on here have experience maintaining a friendship with somebody with Aspergers? Is it rude to talk to them about it, or even ask the blunt question 'do you have Aspergers' given the diagnosis is a more of a hunch than confirmed.

Don't really know what i expect of this thread, just yeah, how to deal with people with aspergers :)
 
I don't think you're qualified to diagnose him with Aspergers. People all too often throw that diagnosis around to explain poor social behaviors. Maybe he's not a great person full stop. It sounds to me like this is a forced friendship and it just isn't working out?

You could always ask your girlfriend to ask his girlfriend if he's been diagnosed. It'd be rude to ask him directly.. but i guess he wouldn't pick up on the rudeness if eh DOES have Aspergers :p
 
My best friend has Aspergers.

He used to be secluded playing WoW all day years ago probably 2004 - 2009 I was constantly trying to get him involved in social activities which he didn't really take to. I think this was more due to a WoW addiction than anything really.

Since then he slowly became more and more sociable and getting involved which has been great. What is also awesome is when I started working for Overclockers UK he just moved the uni down the road and since he has been at Uni he has been very sociable, more than I have really. We have a great friendship and I can tell he has changed dramatically with the way he is. It's really nice to see him the way he is, realistically someone could see him now and not even realise he has Aspergers. Now he's asking me to go out clubbing and asking to visit and generally his attitude towards friends has change, he likes to help out now with friends and problems - it's a big change.


TL;DR

Yes, you can maintain a good relationship with people with Aspergers.
 
"Appears" to have aspergers?

If he isn't diagnosed then don't make assumptions. It belittles actual sufferers. And I assume you're not a qualified doctor/psychologist.
Too many people throw that term around when it doesn't actually apply.
 
If it's a genuine case of Aspergers then Xordium might be able to help with some good advice as I believe it is/was an area of expertise for him but if it's just something that you've diagnosed the chap with then that might not really cut it as an expert opinion.
 
Van Hellseek said:
"Appears" to have aspergers?

If he isn't diagnosed then don't make assumptions. It belittles actual sufferers. And I assume you're not a qualified doctor/psychologist.
Too many people throw that term around when it doesn't actually apply.
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Yes yes i realise this. My misses is a psychology graduate :p However, i accept my diagnosis is baseless and feel free to interchange autistic/socially challenged where appropriate :p

valkia said:
....
I was constantly trying to get him involved in social activities which he didn't really take to.
....

TL;DR

Yes, you can maintain a good relationship with people with Aspergers.
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Thats the thing, I want to help him :(

yer_averagejoe said:
Maybe he's not a great person full stop.
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Actually, he is. He works full time in a position of care, and is very passionate when the system tries to screw with his patients. He is twice the man I am.
 
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I have OCD/Autism:Aspergers :p

Diagnosed

However every person is different with Aspergers, a lot of people don't even know I have it but it tends to show more online or with family.
 
OP you cant assume! no one but a trained consultant can diagnose aspergers. I was diagnosed when I was 16 but over the years i have learned how to deal with social situations. As Valkia said his friend has it and now you wouldn't be aware of it.
Its the same with me unless you know I have it and are around me a lot ie Seabiscuit my work colleagues etc you wouldn't really know 10 years ago yes you would know there was something the matter. :)
 
psychology graduate
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then shes far from qualified
when i was diagnosed it took a Nurse Consultant (specialised in autism spectrum disorders) and a Consultant Clinical Psychologist (i was diagnosed as autistic but when i was reffered it was for potentinal aspergers)

i wouldnt take someone wearing headphones a lot as beeing aspergers either all my wifes friends are constantly fiddling on with phones its more a lack of manners

However every person is different with Aspergers, a lot of people don't even know I have it but it tends to show more online or with family.
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yea it varies massively from person to person just like autism does
most people with aspergers will live a fairly normal life, there wont be many who end up secluded
 
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^ Can you please get past the diagnosis part. I have given an example, not an exclusive exhaustive list. If you have Aspergers, the vast majority of people that you meet don't know you have Aspergers, but they might suspect you have Aspergers. This is the perspective i am coming from.
 
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I am almost certain my youngest brother has it, he has all the classic signs and it's really hard to even have a conversation with him. He almost doesn't even acknowledge my existence even when talking right to him, he often won't even reply.

Basically, it's very difficult and there's nothing that can be done about it I'm afraid!
 
This is like the new Dyslexia or something - certainly seems to be a fashionable 'condition' to have these days. Of course you need a special consultant to give you this special label etc... I've noticed that on some threads that some people are quite protective of that lest every socially inept geek try to join the club...

@OP - ignore the diagnosis stuff - whether he's some socially inept **** or some genuine sufferer of a loosely defined-hard to 'diagnose' in adults psychological 'condition' I'm sure that any advice out there on dealing with these people will likely apply equally.
 
He might just be weird lol, no offense meant.

Did anybody see the Undatables on TV the other day? didn't one of the guys on there have aspergers? He was just weird, he didn't want to date anyone that lived more than 5miles away from his mum.

He got proper stressed when his mums car broke down, she very calmly booked a taxi and he went mental saying the taxi better be here on time and started swearing, it was a really interesting program. Especially since the guy with Tourettes ended up with a girlfriend.

Aspergers or not, lacking the ability to interact socially just makes people weird
 
Well you obviously don't enjoy this man's company so why even bother maintaining a relationship? I can only imagine this situation is being forced upon you by your girlfriend. I can appreciate having to deal with annoying family but that's family. Your girlfriend's friend's boyfriend is such a convoluted connection. Do the decent thing and smother this forced friendship.
 
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Yeah Aspergers affects people differently - some through a lot of effort can live pretty much normal lives and you wouldn't know had Aspergers - others are affected badly by it and are unable to control it - not helped by they are often excused of their behaviour not just in times when they should but also in times when they shouldn't - most of them can learn to let things go, etc. in the long run but it takes a very long time of them to develop that level of self awareness even if they want to.

I've a friend from school who has it fairly badly and he will randomly just stop talking to me because I've done some random thing that annoys him and every other week he will add or remove me from facebook or randomly disable his account because someones posted something that annoys him - things that will get him worked up can be as simple as a choice of clothing or hairstyle, etc.

I don't take it personally myself and just go along with whatever unless hes actually directly rude and most times a week later it will be like the previous week never happened - you have to keep a somewhat detached friendship with them or it just doesn't work.
 
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