Good text jokes
- Thread starter TriedandTested
- Start date
Soldato
- Joined
- 5 Sep 2005
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- 11,742
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- Northern Ireland
da_mic_1530 said:
5 Stars for this alone!
Uhm... please edit if its inappropriate but..
Q. Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A. A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Whats orange and mows my lawn?
A. He's my ****** and i'll paint him whatever colour i like!
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, if they're small enough to fit.
Q. Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A. A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Whats orange and mows my lawn?
A. He's my ****** and i'll paint him whatever colour i like!
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, if they're small enough to fit.
Did you hear about the man with no legs?
He got kicked off the bus for standing on the seats.
What do scooters and fat chicks have in common?
They're both a good ride but you can't let your mates find out.
What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed in his nose.
What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again.
What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michael Jackson.
What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Why dont blind men skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of the dog
Two fat blokes where in a pub, and one said to the other "your round." The other one said "so are you!"
He got kicked off the bus for standing on the seats.
What do scooters and fat chicks have in common?
They're both a good ride but you can't let your mates find out.
What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?
He smashed in his nose.
What do you do when your wife's staggering?
Shoot her again.
What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michael Jackson.
What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it but they cant eat it!
Why dont blind men skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of the dog
Two fat blokes where in a pub, and one said to the other "your round." The other one said "so are you!"
The best one I've ever heard was -
"Newsflash - Tony Blaire has announced he plans to send all immigrants and illeagal immigrants back to their countries of origin. Carlsberg don't do text messages, but if they did, they would proberly the best text messages in the world"
Other funny one was -
"Hey, this is your phone, I just had to make you get me out of your pocket because your **** stinks"
"Newsflash - Tony Blaire has announced he plans to send all immigrants and illeagal immigrants back to their countries of origin. Carlsberg don't do text messages, but if they did, they would proberly the best text messages in the world"
Other funny one was -
"Hey, this is your phone, I just had to make you get me out of your pocket because your **** stinks"
Associate
- Joined
- 31 Oct 2004
- Posts
- 2,316
CChrisca said:
aw man thats just so wrong, but just soo damn funny!
5 stars for this thread
Why did the helicopter crash?
It was being flown by a two legged dog on amphetamines!
How do you know if you're a monarch?
Somebody wipes your bum!
What do you call a person with 4 broken bones, two black eyes and a brain haemmorhage?
Sorry!
Why did little Billy go to the sexual health clinic?
He wanted some advice on contraception!
How many soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb?
11!
Did you hear about the flying conductor?
He worked on an Airbus!
Whats the difference between a hedgehog and a British Airways 747 cockpit?
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.
How do you know which guy at the party is a BA pilot?
He's the one that tells you.
It was being flown by a two legged dog on amphetamines!
How do you know if you're a monarch?
Somebody wipes your bum!
What do you call a person with 4 broken bones, two black eyes and a brain haemmorhage?
Sorry!
Why did little Billy go to the sexual health clinic?
He wanted some advice on contraception!
How many soldiers does it take to change a lightbulb?
11!
Did you hear about the flying conductor?
He worked on an Airbus!
Whats the difference between a hedgehog and a British Airways 747 cockpit?
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.
How do you know which guy at the party is a BA pilot?
He's the one that tells you.
Soldato
- Joined
- 31 Oct 2005
- Posts
- 8,847
- Location
- Leeds
worst joke of the threadHamish said:
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his arse.
Man: Have you ever kissed a parrot
Women: No
Man:
bet you've kissed a cockatu
What's white and can't climb up trees?
A fridge
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
A man walks into a Butchers and says to the butcher "I bet you £50 that you can't reach that meat on that top shelf" The Butcher refuses the challenge and tells the guy:
"No chance mate, the steaks are too high"
He wiped his arse.
Man: Have you ever kissed a parrot
Women: No
Man:
bet you've kissed a cockatu
What's white and can't climb up trees?
A fridge
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
A man walks into a Butchers and says to the butcher "I bet you £50 that you can't reach that meat on that top shelf" The Butcher refuses the challenge and tells the guy:
"No chance mate, the steaks are too high"
Associate
- Joined
- 31 Oct 2004
- Posts
- 2,316
**NEWS FLASH** Israel has withdrawn from Lebenon. Lebanon is not pregnant.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
What's better than winning a gold medal in the paralympics?
Having 2 legs.
A man says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
Hit him in the face with an axe.
What's better than winning a gold medal in the paralympics?
Having 2 legs.
A man says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."