I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black ******* heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little *****, my biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong.
How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the **** off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready?
Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight.
See, I know you entertain some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little ******* bubble of yours, and send you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening. And you know what doctors say, "****, if only you smoked, we'd have the technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed." I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron lung-it's like going to Sharper Image! Major rationalizations. We live in such a weird culture, man.