How old are you and how often do you see your parents?

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This is obviously a question for those who don't live with their parents still!

Just wondering. I live about 1.5hrs on the train away from my mum and foolishly let slip that I've started summer working hours at work, whereas I get every other Friday off (it's pretty sweet!). As soon as I told her on the phone I kicked myself.. because I know she would try to see me. She only works part time so gets a fair amount of time off (well, in comparison to me!).

So only about 4 weeks after we last met up for her birthday, she's off work for a week and is asking to come up and see me on that Friday as she knows it's my day off. Thing is, I've got stuff to do. Everyone that works a full week knows there's no time to get your chores done, do your personal admin stuff, between seeing friends and socialising. I'm 30 years old, I work hard and want some downtime!

Am I the only one that is constantly putting this off? She's always asking for us to go see her at the weekends, but we don't want to give up a whole weekend to sit around the house in my hometown with nothing to do apart from maybe go out for a meal! If we go for a day, or meet halfway for lunch she'll be complaining that she hardly sees me and we must stay over next time etc.. Argh! Whatever we do is not enough.

Am I alone, am I silly to moan about this? My girlfriend's parents live up north and she only sees them every 3-4 months and they would never ask her to come visit, even for birthdays etc.

Sorry for the rant

 

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Why don't you do face time / Skype calls with your mum OP, this is what I do if I am travelling and it's been a few weeks etc.

Because I would run out of things to talk about

We swap emails more often, probably once a week. I usually talk to her on the phone once a week or once a fortnight too.

I don't mind seeing her but it's just the feeling that no matter how often I do, she'd want to see me more. I know that's natural but it's quite overbearing.

On the flipside, my Dad lives in the US so I only see him once every few months. We just have a beer and dinner whenever he's over for work. No 'when will I next see you' at the end of it like with my mum. No hassle. We email once a week or so too.

 

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On another note - you should be ashamed.

Always make time for your mother, ALWAYS. Shocking.

I think some people are taking this a little bit too seriously.. Entitled generation, lol ok. I was expecting a light-hearted joke about 'mothers being mothers', but obviously not.

I love my mum and would do anything for her. However as little or as much as I see her she always wants more. She would be happy for me to give up work and move back in like I'm 16 again, I'm sure.

I don't mind her wanting to see me but it's the way she goes about it. If we see her and stay over, she'll drive us back to the station and be asking when we're next coming. It's too overbearing, is all.

Anyway, probably no point arguing my corner anymore. Like I said, it was a relatively light-hearted rant about mums being mums.. But I've been on OcUK enough to know when the lynch mobs are out and there's no going back

 

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Yes, as it means any visits to see them now become a full weekend affair, rather than a short hour / 30 mins visit.

See, now this is kinda my issue and this is why I started the thread. My mum lives about 60 miles away but it's a crap train service. This means for one of us to get to the other it's a 2hr trip each way. Therefore to do that it turns into 'Oh well you could stay' or something, and bang our weekend is gone. The last time we went all the way to hers we turned up Friday night, had a ncie dinner with her, had time in the morning, went to a friends BBQ Saturday, then went out for a long pub lunch with her and my sister before heading home. As we're getting on the train I get all the 'Oh it goes so quickly, you should try to come for longer next time'. It's like 'err, and do what exactly?'. I don't mind spending time with my mum and my sister but we haven't exactly got much in common.

As I said in the OP, she knew it was my summer Friday off so she was asking about that. I've told her I'm going for my laser eye surgery appointment (not the surgery itself!) and that's going to take all afternoon so it won't really work. I've also told her that we're going to see the Formula E at Battersea on Saturday and meeting friends. Rather than taking a hint, she's now asking about Sunday. Now, bear in mind that it's been exactly 4 weeks since we last saw her, it's not like it's been months and months. I'm not saying I don't want to see her so quickly again, it's just that it doesn't really fit in with our plans but she just won't let it go. Also bear in mind that we've been given notice on a flat so she knows we need to start sorting all our **** out and packing etc. A few spare days here and there would be very much filled with all that!

As I said, she lives 60 miles away but we have a few times met halfway, where we can just meet at a restaurant/pub and go for a nice lunch. It's an easy one-train journey for both of us, no hassle. I'd do that every 4 weeks to catch up but that doesn't seem to cut it. She'll always say 'Oh you'll have to come visit me and stay' or something. It's somehow not good enough and that's what stresses me out.

I'm debating saying she can come all the way to ours for lunch and see how she likes the Sunday train service, but the problem is that will turn into a whole-day affair. She'll turn up an hour earlier than planned (she's done that before!), still be here by dinner time and that will be our whole free Sunday gone and nothing achieved re. the flat etc.

Argh.. anyway. Rant over

 

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Bump!

Seen as I got a lot of stick on here for complaining about seeing my mum and her passive-aggressive guilt-tripping about it. What do you all think I should do here..

It's my birthday in a few weeks time (a Fri). It's a good friend of mine and my girlfriend's birthday the day before. The past couple of years we've gone out as a foursome to some nice restaurants to celebrate and it's been really nice. Something similar was on the cards this year but we hadn't got round to organising anything for sure due to work etc. Oh, it's also mine and my girlfriends' anniversary (note; not married) two days after my birthday.

So, before Christmas my mum tells me she has booked off my birthday weekend so we can get together. I'm like "err ok", mention about our anniversary and that we are also planning to get together with our friends. Fast forward to now and we've managed to finalise plans with our friends, but still need to plan something for our anniversary p always the way!). So what do I do about my mum?

I find it quite 'off' that she booked the time off work with the assumption that I'd want to spend my birthday with her, also remembering the fact it is mine and my girlfriend's anniversary the same weekend. I feel like it's a total guilt-trip to have to spend my birthday with her. I'm sorry but at my age this shouldn't be expected. I should be able to plan something for my birthday without feeling guilty about not seeing my mum, surely? What if my girlfriend has planned a surprise trip away? Surely I can see my mum another weekend?

On top of that my sister suffers with anxiety so the assumption is always that we'd go to her hometown to 'get together'. So I'm guilt-tripped to go there (near my mum) to see them both. Just because. Why? It's actually a really long trip for us..

Tldr; I want to spend a nice weekend celebrating my birthday with my good friends, then celebrating my anniversary with my girlfriend. But my mum insists on seeing me for my birthday.

Flame away..

 

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OP how old are you? You seem quite adolescent.

Edit : I missed you said 30. You sound like an angsty teenager.

Serious question, why so? I want to live my life with my girlfriend, my job and my friends. My family is a part of that, of course.

Do you think it's normal behaviour for a mother of a 30yr old to be insisting she spend his birthday with her? Serious question.

 

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Interesting POV Robocod. I'm sure i could improve my communication, definitely. I'm sure that doesn't help.

But, I've been with my girlfriend for 8yrs and we've lived together for (*checks*) 6! I've had a life away from my mums since uni. This isn't a new setup!

 

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Scam, I agree that you need to talk to your mum and just be honest with her. IIRC did you say your dad works away? Could it be that she is just lonely and wanting company? Does she have an active social life? Think you should make the effort to see her as she clearly cares for you but see her on your own terms so you don't resent her like you do presently. You really will miss her when she's gone, that isn't just some cheesy cliché.

My parents are divorced and my Dad lives abroad so I see him maybe 5-6 times a year. What irks me about this arrangement is that my mum has a very active social life. She only works 3 days a week and is always off having coffee with friends, lunch/dinner out. She's way more socially active than me! In fact a few times she has come into London and not actually told me! It seems that it only 'counts' when I have to set aside a weekend and stay with her or something. Why can't she tell me when she's in town and we could meet up for lunch or something? I'm sure I'm not the only one that doesn't have a huge amount to talk about with their mum? More than a few hours to catch up on the latest developments and we're struggling for conversation!

 

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Probably once or twice a fortnight, maybe a little more often in summer.
I think one theme throughout all of this thread is the value of time both in a negative and postive light.
When parents retire I think they very soon forget how draining work can be, how much time it occupies and that after that you may just want to relax. My parents drive me insane sometimes, usually by asking me to fix their computers or getting calls in the middle of work "Virgin medias down again!" so? what do you want me to do about it, what did Virgin say?

Yeah this. Definitely. It took my Mum absolutely ages to stop calling me on a weekday at 7.30pm. She thought I'd be home, having eaten my dinner and chilling on the sofa. I kept having to tell her that I've just gotten home, I'm desperately throwing some dinner together so that I can be eaten by 8.30pm, get the washing up done by 9pm and actually be able to watch something worthwhile on the box before aiming (and failing) to get to bed before 10.30pm.

She also has a habit of calling me on a Friday night. Now, I'm not the go-out-and-get-sloshed every Friday after work type. But the likelihood is that I'm either enjoying a Friday night ale or two at the pub with colleagues/friends, or I just want to go home and crash. What I don't want to do is have a 45min conversation about fixing her PC/internet/TV etc!

 

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It is evident that you don't generally communicate at all since she is booking your birthday off without the foggiest idea whether you're free or not.

But that's what has annoyed me. By her booking it off without asking me if I'd like to see her -- it's essentially making me feel obliged to see her. I can't help how I feel, and the point is I would now feel guilty about not seeing her that weekend. Was that how I planned to spend my birthday (and anniversary!) weekend? No. It's not the fact it's my birthday necessarily (trying to avoid coming across as angsty-teenager here), but any old weekend would be the same. If you make plans to see someone, the date isn't forced upon you by one party, there should be a joint decision made.

Yes that's a rant, but I feel that's a fair way to feel about this. I'm just looking for someone to agree that she's been a bit unfair about it to start with.

 

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Absolutely mental....there is nothing unfair or selfish about somebody going out of their way to want to see you. It's actually about one of the most selfless things she could do.

Question; what if my girlfriend had booked a surprise weekend away for my birthday? What if she'd even booked a surprise meal for me and my friends? (Which she has done before). My mum doesn't socialise with my circle of friends so she wouldn't want to come, so she would have booked the day off for no reason and been disappointed.

I think you're wrong. She's actually being quite selfish in choosing a day that is good for her and not even thinking about my wishes. Like I said, this could be said for any weekend, let alone my birthday. If she wants to see me then we should have a chat about when is good. Not her blindly dictating she wants to see me for my birthday and expecting me to agree? I can't honestly be the only one that would rather spend their birthday with girlfriend or friends?

As for being selfless, most of the time when she "wants to see me" it means travelling to hers which is a good 2.5hr journey...

Meh..