How To Get Hubby To Pay His Way

randomshenans said:
How long have they been married and has this been going on for? Did I miss that?

200 pre tax a day = 4000 a month and he's never paid for a thing?!

Who pays for food at home and stuff when they go out?
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Erm, you know I am not actually sure how long they have been married. Must be close to ten years.

She pays for all the food and the takeaways. If he is left to himself for a meal he usually buys a packet of crisps for himself. I have no idea who pays when they go out for a meal.
 
Murphy said:
Probably a controversial take but I'd stay the hell out of it, your sisters a grown ass woman so is more than capable of making her own decisions and if she's moaning to you about it then you need to ask her if or even what she'd like you to do, how she'd like you to help, or whatever.

I say stay the hell out of it because a) I assume you're only hearing one side of the story (not that i think your sister is lying or exaggerating) and b) if you get involved off your own back, like having a private word with him, you could overstep the mark and pee off both your sister and him or create tension between the two of them.
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You could well be right. Although having said that, I am not sure what "other side of the story" there could be. He either pays some bills or he doesn't. And he doesn't.

Having said that, I don't think my sis is a good negotiator. I think she is too quiet and will probably let it build up and up and then scream at him. My guess is that conversations may well start civil but won't end that way and this is why it never gets resolved. Anyway, I can offer advice, but truth is the only person sis listens to is sis.
 
Ah, the truth will out!
She rifled through his work diary last night, while he was in the shower. Turns out he is massively in debt. Almost all of his income is going on debt payments - the largest of which is that car he bought.
 
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CaptainCaracaras said:
I almost have a grudging respect for the guy to be able to pull off such an audacious move.
However, in this day and age it seems accepted when the situation is the other way round, and the husband pays for everything, houses, cars, holidays, wifes clothes etc.
Some, playing devils advocate, might say welcome to equality.
Guy must look like Brad Pitt.
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She wouldn't mind paying for everything and even supporting him. What she does mind is the way he won't discuss it, or as events are turning out, that he has loan for an unnecessary item that is stopping him contributing fairly. Contribution should be his first concern.
 
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Devilman said:
Love is blind and love is foolish :)

Things like this happen all the time.

But honestly I feel like people are spending far too much time, effort and post-count on making negative comments towards the OP's sister in regards to "how could she let this happen" and "is she a giant doormat?".

Could we show at least a little respect here and focus on the "what to do about it now" rather than the "how did it happen" or "why did she allow it" ? :) :)
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That is true.
I can see how this situation developed, but really that's not the point. It HAS developed and it's a question of how to get the mess sorted.
 
Devilman said:
I would also be quite concerned about the dates of some of those loans and whether he (may have, just theorizing worst outcomes) has used her name or joint names for any of those loans, leaving her shouldered with 50% of that debt.
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I don't know how much it would be possible for him to do this, but you are right in that it is an area of concern. He certainly makes mistakes when it comes to things like that, he seems to think he has an automatic right of shared ownership, when of course he doesn't.
 
mattyfez said:
That's why she needs to check her own credit files for loans/finance etc. that he may have taken out in her name.

It might actually be that it is she who unknowingly owns a 40k Porsche! :D
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How would she know if this has been secured say against the house? I mean as far as I know it's not possible becuase his name is not on anything, but it wouldn't surprise me if he tried.
 
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413x said:
Yeah!

I'd certainly be on

Credit karma
Clear score
Money saving expert: credit club.


Those are 3 free services that cover
Trans Union
Equifax
Experian


They will show everything from financial relationships to store credit cards, mortgages etc etc.
If he's taken anything out in her name or jointly she will also see the debt left and changes over time
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Have made that recommendation immediately.
 
Jono8 said:
This. The dynamic of one person doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, dependent care, etc etc, whilst one person works is understandable (and it doesn't matter whichever half does what).

Both working full time and therefore presumably sharing other duties/having equal limited free time, but only having one paying for anything is just weird.
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Yes, just to confirm. They have been married about ten years, she has a daughter who has moved out and they have no children together. They both work full time. She earns about 50% or so more than him. He pays for his own cars and phone but apart from that, he contributes nothing financially to the relationship. That includes meals, heating, mortgage, Sky TV, etc, all of which she pays by herself.
He does decorate the house but he himself does not actually do any building work, he just brings in people to do it and sources materials. She pays for it all. His quotes are bad as well, lol. He quoted £8-10K for the kitchen for example and it ended up costing her £14K
 
Chuk_Chuk said:
So he brings his mates round to screw her financially as well. What a terrible situation.

No idea how she puts up with this. Maybe she could start cutting bills in the name of saving money.
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She has very low self-esteem. You wouldn't guess it, she appears to be strong and independant, but she has been mistreated by guys all her life.
 
Chuk_Chuk said:
So he brings his mates round to screw her financially as well. What a terrible situation.

No idea how she puts up with this. Maybe she could start cutting bills in the name of saving money.
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That's what I have told her to do. But I don't think she will. She will keep on denying this situation until it really bites her.
 
Meddling-Monk said:
So, did you ask her what her thoughts and plans are now that she's aware of this?
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I did, but she started her usual waffle which means she doesn't have any plan. I think that now she knows about the loans she is prepared to put things off an wait before she does anything. Apparently the car loan will be paid off in 2026 but some of the other loans are ending mid 2023. And yes, if you think this is frustrating, it sure is, but she is like this. She will sit on the fence for years when faced with a decision that she doesn't want to make.
 
Meddling-Monk said:
Unfortunately, this appears to be one of those instances where the personality of the person (the sister) is also quite strong willed ....
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Absolutely right about that. And I sense at the moment that she is content knowing that the problem are these loans. Once she gives up looking for a solution, moving heaven and earth will not change her mind.
My guess is that once these loans start to be paid off, he will just get more. There is no reason for him to stop because she refuses to act.
 
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