I really feel dead guys

pyro

pyro

pyro

Soldato
Joined
23 Nov 2002
Posts
16,167
I need to get this out of chest, I have no idea what to do. I met this girl, about two years ago, I liked her and she liked me, damn she's the only girl I ever loved. Now we are over, she's on placement and a year later, when she returns, I won't be around. We broke up on May, after me being an idiot, she just got bored of me. Not that I blame her, it's just that, like everyone I have my ups and downs, but when I am up I am as high as a 12yr old on meth. Of course, when I am down I am just pathetic. I stay home all day long doing nothing, I can't even be bothered to go to the kitchen to eat, I starve all day because I don't want to move one floor down to make food. And of course she couldn't take that for a long time, after 6 months or so the whole thing just got so messed up.

And now I don't know what to do, I have no real interest in university any more, I'd like to join the army, but unfortunately I can only do national service in Greece, I can't go overseas and see some action. I would really like to though, because I have no reason to live any more. Even when I am having fun with my friends, hanging around watching movies, clubbing, whatever, I still keep on thinking of an easy way to kill myself. And it's because I don't have a real reason to live. I want to do many things, I want to help people, I want people to remember me as the guy who helped us by doing such and such.

But I can't because I don't have the power or the money or the inteligence to do so. And when I met her, and loved her, that didn't matter, because she was my world, I could marry her and have kids at age of 21, because she really does complete me. All the other girls I'v been with...it just makes me sick even thinking of other girls.

I went to the counseling in my uni, the prescribed me with SSRIs...which hasn't had an effect yet. I can see how much I am chaning though, in work and around uni everyone is asking me why I look mad, why I am not smiling and I am not happy like usually. I used to be great fun, I was the guy who was jumping around and getting his mates to do stuff, but now all I do is fill my head with chemicals because I can't find any pleasure or happiness in anything else.

This is all crap for most of you guys reading it, but I think through the four years I'v been on ocuk I made some friends, had good laughs at meets, I like it here. But I don't know how long I will be here either. I really, so want to die, it's incredible.

Ahhhhh the pills got me talking. It's not bad is it?
 
Hi Pyro I doubt this thread will be about long due to the mods.

But I will try and reply when the thread is about.

Everything is not lost mate. I have felt that way may times and have tried to take my own life more times than I care to remember. You know that as you introduced me to psyke.

I have always had issues with girls and I have issues with rejection and getting my heart broken. I cant help that it is just the way I am.

I have been fighting this for years and I am only starting to get a grip on my illness and control it. Meds havent worked for me and I have tried most of them so I am left to fight it without help.

But I can say this now and I couldnt have said this last year. You can get through this. I know it is an uphill strugle and you feel like you will never get better but you will.It just takes time.

Give the meds time. They take time and then if they dont seem to be working after a good while go back and try a different time. Spend time with your mates and dont give up you will get through this.

Gareth
 
Time is a great heeler, so hang in there. However much it may not seem like it now, there are better times ahead, trust me.

Try and keep yourself occupied. Rely on your friends and hobbies to distract you from the bad stuff. Just hang in there and keep telling yourself that it will be that bit easier tomorrow.
 
Cheer up pyro, I know exactly how you feel.

Now i am better again and my life is back to how it should be due to getting a girlfriend that just makes me feel really loved and i love her.
The weird thing is though, I still have the feeling of Joining the army, Not because i have no reason to live but because i think it would be a good job for me.
Is there any reason you cant join the UK army? :confused:

Just stay alive and keep looking around, Dont dwell about this girl you lost, I know how it feels. It is just a whole lot simpler to block her and all the feelings you have for her out. Find a girl and get to know her really well, Then you might find your self loving her :)

Just remember, We are all still here for you :D

Good luck :)
 
I'm sorry you feel so down. I've been in a similar place to you, and although it sounds like bullcrap, it really does get better. You just have to give yourself time to heal and don't expect any miracles. It's tough, but it does get easier.

Look after yourself and please don't do anything silly - we'd miss you ;)

*hugs*
 
life is always worth living. i've had my moments when i've been really down due to family tragedies etc and it all came at once. I'm still here though, and i'm starting to get my life on track again. Your mates will always be there to help you out, mine certainly kept me going.

good luck. :)
 
Pyro

Seriously mate life is not all that bad, in fact, life is great...So far it hasnt been kind to you for one reason or another but with a little desire from you, you will get out of this rut. Ive seen many mates and some family members hit rock bottom, myself included, and its not nice but as for you not having the intelligence to change your situation.. well i doubt that. Your intelligent enough to have composed a post on here expressing your feelings and your switched on enough to realise that you cannot get any lower.

Only way is up from here, you are in control and only you can decide where you want life to take you. You've obviously got a lot of friends on here through meets etc so don't give up yet.

Keep in touch mate and seriously get some grub and some rest... you can do whatever you want to do.
 
I was showing all the signs that you describe about 6 months ago even down to wanting to help people. I was thinking of quitting my job and was looking at doing charity work, I guess I was looking for purpose and meaning as I had begun to wonder what the point of my life was. Just looking after me seemed pointless.

At the time this was happening I was just getting my own place which is fantastic, my relationship was going great with my girlfriend and from the outside it looked like I had so much more than most people. On the inside it was a different story.

I didn't understand what was wrong with me for ages but I now I believe it was all down to the fear of my girlfriend leaving me. In a year I went from being single and living with my parents to being in the best relationship of my life and having my own house. It was overwhelming and the fear of it all ending was killing me. I had got myself in a state where I thought If she leaves me I'll have nothing, she completes me and all the rest of it.

You seriously have to read this book:
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Before you write it off as some self help mumbo jumbo, I urge you to read it. It's helped me more than anything, there is a whole section on relationships and it describes exactly what you are feeling at the moment and how to deal with it. I found myself reading and thinking "my god, thats me" chapter after chapter. I've never connected with a book so closely.

I really hope this helps.
 
At the risk of this turning into a medical thread, I suggest you visit your GP as it looks like you're suffering from depression. The symptoms you're describing sound very similar to my gf who has had a couple of bouts of depression over the years.
Your GP will be able to help you break out of this cycle.

Good luck.
 
No it's not religious, I would say there are spiritual aspects but in no way associated with religion.

If it had been I wouldn't have read it.

1. You are not your thoughts. You are the awareness behind the thoughts. Thoughts are often negative and painful, yearning for or fearing something in the future, complaining about something in the present or fearing a matter from the past. However, the thoughts are not you; they are a construct of the ego. Awareness of your thoughts without being caught up in them is the first step to freedom.

2. Only the present moment exists. That is where life is (indeed it is the only place life can truly be found). Becoming aware of the 'now' has the added benefit that it will draw your attention away from your (negative) thoughts. Use mindfulness techniques to fully appreciate your surroundings and everything you are experiencing. Look and listen intently. Give full attention to the smallest details.

3. Accept the present moment. It is resistance to the present moment that creates most of the difficulties in your life. However, acceptance does not mean that you cannot take action to rectify the situation you are in. What is important is to drop resistance so that you let the moment be, and that any action arises from deeper awareness rather than from resistance. The vast majority of pain in a person's life comes from resistance to what is.

4. Observe The Painbody. Years of conditioned thought patterns, individually and collectively, have resulted in habitual emotional reactions with an apparent personality of their own. During 'painbody attacks' we become completely identified with this 'pain identity' and respond from its agenda - which is to create more pain for ourselves and others. Observing the painbody is awareness itself arising - as it allows humans to separate from this unconscious identification with pain.
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read a few of these type of threads before and there always seems to be a girl involved somewhere, i think if you re-read your story you'd realise some of the answers yourself, you say you feel complete with this girl yet somewhere else you say you still had your ups and downs, so this girl did'nt cure anny bad feelings you had and nor will any girl, a lot of people go through this kind of thing growing up.

what you need to do is actively seek things that make you happy not wait for things to come and help you, youre giving yourself to much time to think about negatives by sitting and dwelling, theres loads to do in this world and nothing feels better than helping others, look for local clubs or voluntary work, do some sport or join a gym, anything that gives you a feeling of self improvement just dont sit and think to long.

1 day you'll look back on this and laugh to yourself and you'll probably reply to a thread just like this and say things can and do get better.
 
Whilst I was reading this, I had a deja vu of a time when I had every symptom you speak of, it was like I had wrote this & then when I read this part, the penny dropped.

pyro said:
I can see how much I am chaning though, in work and around uni everyone is asking me why I look mad, why I am not smiling and I am not happy like usually. I used to be great fun, I was the guy who was jumping around and getting his mates to do stuff, but now all I do is fill my head with chemicals because I can't find any pleasure or happiness in anything else.
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If you didn't have something 'extra' last weekend then you really are in trouble & need to see a professional(not uni counsel).

If on the other hand you did have something at the weekend, then you know why you are suffering at the moment & you need to address this, sort out that vicious cycle & you WILL be able to move on.
 
pyro said:
I still keep on thinking of an easy way to kill myself. And it's because I don't have a real reason to live.
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The easy way to kill yourself is to choose to, it is all in the choice. If you find this hard then I'd say you don't want to kill yourself.

I went to the counseling in my uni, the prescribed me with SSRIs...which hasn't had an effect yet. I can see how much I am chaning though, in work and around uni everyone is asking me why I look mad, why I am not smiling and I am not happy like usually. I used to be great fun, I was the guy who was jumping around and getting his mates to do stuff, but now all I do is fill my head with chemicals because I can't find any pleasure or happiness in anything else.
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SSRIs are weird, but we cant go too in depth into that. They are not instant happy-pills, and often their effect can be understated.
For some they help, for some they do not. There are also other varieities available, you may wish to discuss other SSRIs with your GP or doctor.

This is all crap for most of you guys reading it, but I think through the four years I'v been on ocuk I made some friends, had good laughs at meets, I like it here. But I don't know how long I will be here either. I really, so want to die, it's incredible.

Ahhhhh the pills got me talking. It's not bad is it?
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Your problem is the obsession with the girl and what she represents. I am increasingly beginning to wonder whether this is a problem with humankind itself because I am currently in the grip of something similar.

The way I see it, is that we have an in-built mechanism to care for a significant other. The problem with that is that it can also lead to us doting and squeezing ourselves dry over the wrong person.

Quite simply, you need more. You need to see the bigger picture in order to get over this.
You need to get other aspects of your life moving, concentrate on them and everything else will fit into place...
 
pyro said:
but now all I do is fill my head with chemicals because I can't find any pleasure or happiness in anything else.
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I could be wrong but if I read into that correctly your first step is to stop that. At the risk of sounding preachy if you really want to feel like your old self it is the first step you need to take, trust me on this.
Don't expect to wake up feeling on top of the world after just a day, take a good look at yourself and decide on a few things that you can change for the better, do them one at a time and take small steps, each day you will start feeling better about yourself until the day comes when you wonder what was ever wrong. Suicide is never the way out. Although you don't think it now, you will one day meet someone else who will make you happy again in the way that you were before, you don't want to miss out on that do you?

I won't tell you to cheer up, it isn't ever quite that simple but I hope you do what's right and feel better soon :)
 
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