I'm in the doghouse...

Spike_UK

Spike_UK

Spike_UK

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Joined
18 Oct 2002
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Hemel
It's the weekend and as usual, I'm in the dog house.
This time how-ever I think it might be quite a bit more serious than usual.

The last two months I have been buying small toys for myself to perk me up. In total (including today's purchase of a NEC TFT) I've spent £1000 in the last two months.....behind my other halves back.

We are currently living at my mothers place saving for a mortgage and have almost got enough for a deposit. However, after my rant last night and the discovery of my spending, that deposit has been split in two equal halfs and my other half hasn't spoken to me. It's almost as if I've cheated on them or something!

I know I've been bad....but it's only MONEY, not worth this kind of argument surely??

I can't see anyway to make ammends. We both have fairly high income jobs. I get 23k a year and my other half earns 31k, so money really shouldn't be an issue. We live at my mother's for next to nowt and only have to worry about food and travel costs. We've been here for 2 years, cleared all our debts and saved almost 6k. Surely a little bit of pampering can't hurt?

I'm now sitting here while they are in work wondering what is going to happen next. Are they on the verge of walking out? If so how do I feel? Are they over reacting or do I not see the bigger picture?

I can't enjoy my nice new TFT now :(
 
daveyj27 said:
The money isn't the point mate, it's the deception that has your partner riled up.
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Yeah your right.....I only went behind their back as there is no way I could have bought these things with their permission. I don't like having to ask to spend my own money. I don't mind passing it by them, but having to ask permission feels wrong. We've been together 3 years and this is something that has bugged me from day one, but I ignored it, until now.
 
I went out and brought a £6000 Suzuki GSXR600 motorbike behind my ex's back, did that cause some arguments. Infact up untill the day she left me 1yr ago she never let me forget about it.

It's not the money as you say, its the deception. Learnt my lesson well.

But..

Now im single again ive still got the GSXR to play with :)
 
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Spike_UK said:
I've spent £1000 in the last two months.....behind my other halves back.
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How would you feel if your partner did this on something that would be little to no value to you?
 
You keep referring to your other half as 'they' or 'their', what's up with that?
 
Is this the same partner that you posted about a little while ago saying they were a little too controlling ?

Like others have said it's probably the " going behind the back " that's done it instead of the actual money

I understand what you are saying about the asking for permission but it's something that really needs to be sorted out before it rears it's ugly head again
 
My wife and I are saving for a mortgage, but we each have an allowance from the pot each month that we can spend on whatever we like.

A grand though is a fair amount to spend when you are saving for a mortgage.
 
Spike_UK said:
Yeah your right.....I only went behind their back as there is no way I could have bought these things with their permission. I don't like having to ask to spend my own money. I don't mind passing it by them, but having to ask permission feels wrong. We've been together 3 years and this is something that has bugged me from day one, but I ignored it, until now.
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My opinion, albeit unasked for and for what it's worth, ..... get this issue sorted out now. Don't wait until you're married with a family, because it's the sort of thing that, quite seriously, has the potential to destroy relationships and wreck marriages.

See, you're right to say you don't have to ask permission to spend your own money, but she's right that if you have a tacit agreement to save for a mortgage, you didn't ought to be breaking that surreptiously. daveyj27 is, in my view, dead right. It won't be the spending that really annoyed her (though it probably did) .... it's the deception. She could well be wondering .... "if he's deceiving me about that, what else is he up too? After all, the mortgage is all about pur future together, about getting a home, bit instead he's buying toys. Is he really committed to me, or is this a subtle message?"

Spike_UK said:
I know I've been bad....but it's only MONEY, not worth this kind of argument surely??
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You may see it that way, but I bet she doesn't. And that's why this could be really serious. I'd say that at the least, you've sown the seeds of doubt in her mind. At worst ..... :(

Spike, obviously what I'm saying has to be in the context of not knowing thefirst thing about you or your lady, so it's very generalised. But I'd say you need to examine your own motivation and committment. Are you ready for the step of mortgage, and setting up a nest? If not, don't do it. Wait until you either are sure, or have decided against.

But either way, I'd say you have some serious apologising and crawling to do, because the subtext of what you did is far more serious than "just money", and it's likely this is how your other half sees it .... as a betrayal. Do you want to keep her? Because if you do, some attitude adjustment is needed. As I say, I don't know you, so this is rather generalised, but I'd say you're risking losing her over this. Maybe not right now, but unless you address the core issues, this could fester for months. I think you need to decide what you want - a home with your lady, or the freedom of a bachelor life. If you want the former, for pities sake at least TELL her you're going to do this type of thing .... and whatever you don't, don't even so much as raise an eyebrow, let alone an objection, if she decides to spend a stupid sum on shoes, clothes or perfume. If you do, you're dead meat, mate. :D


All comments made strictly IMHO, of course, and with the usual caveats and exemption clauses.
 
Spike_UK said:
The last two months I have been buying small toys for myself to perk me up. In total (including today's purchase of a NEC TFT) I've spent £1000 in the last two months.....behind my other halves back.
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I did the exact same thing as you and I am trying hard to recover the trust that has been broken between me and my wife. It is going to take quite a lot of time and effort.

Whilst our household income is not as high as yours it isn't a small amount and so buying the odd gadget, computer etc shouldn't be a problem.

However, we have household repairs and upgrades and so instead of spending money on them I spent money on crappy gadgets. I then one day acidentaly left my credit card statement lying around.

Boy I was in trouble. I felt like **** becuase I had lied to the one woman who means more to me than anything else in the world.

So I gave her my credit cards and for the next x number of months all my free cash is going to paying off the debt and putting some aside for the house upgrades.

But breaking her trust was very, very wrong and I feel it will take a hell of a long time to bring it back to the level it was.

I feel for your pain! :(

Oh, and the stupid reason I purchased the gadgets was I was getting frustrated with the amount we need to spend on the house. If I had talked to the wife then I bet she would have said: "Treat yourself this month then, and we can go back to saving afterwards" but I am stupid and didn't bloody speak to here and now I am in the doghouse!
 
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Spike_UK said:
Think about it a little....why would I be hiding my partners sex on a forum full of blokes?
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Can we clarify that your partner is a man.
For no other reason than odviously both sexes react differently to acts of deception.
 
malc30 said:
Can we clarify that your partner is a man.
For no other reason than odviously both sexes react differently to acts of deception.
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If so, then amend the gender references in my post accordingly, and yeah, reactions may be a bit different. But the principle (and risks) remain (IMHO) exactly the same.
 
malc30 said:
Can we clarify that your partner is a man.
For no other reason than odviously both sexes react differently to acts of deception.
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Not true. Some women react to spending on gadgets and computer stuff like guys. Some guys react like women would do.

And why should we care if he is a she or she a he? :p
 
Old Wino said:
You will continue to resent her, she will have no respect for you (prolly doesn't now anyway TBH). She'll get her house, drop a couple of kids then she'll retire and expect you to earn 50k a year to maintain the standard of living she's used to, not possible so hello divorce, you loose house but still have to pay mortgage and you will be forever poor and she will work on the kids to turn them against you
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Bitter, aren't we?! :p
 
Old Wino said:
Snip
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You're probably the most pessimistic person I've seen on here.

Just because you've had bad experiences, doesn't mean to say he will too.
 
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